Frustration.
This is a natural part of my every day life. My life is a whirlwind of contradictions and anxieties, often leading to pent up anger and heartbreaking frustration. Let me explain...
I am insecure, i am so insecure that it affects every single aspect of my life.. literally every aspect. From the moment my eyes open in the morning, until the moment they finally close when i go to sleep (even when i dream), i am insecure.
My thought processes on a daily basis:
-My hair looks slightly greasy today, everyone is going to think that i'm disgusting and want to avoid me.
-I'm really hungry today but i'm scared of what everyone will think when i'm eating so much, so ill try eat in secret to prevent being judged, but then that means that i must be fat because i'm eating so much i have to hide it.
-Why do i feel so hungry today? That must mean that i'm slowly eating more and more, i'm going to gain even more weight and become even uglier and lose control over everything.
-I don't feel comfortable in any clothes that i wear, everyone will be laughing about how hideous i look, my bulging fat, how my bum jiggles when i walk.
-I feel exhausted today, i bet everyone is staring at me thinking how lazy i am and looking at my ugly bags.
-When i'm yawning everyone can see my 10 double chins, try yawn and cover it.
-Its been two hours and i still haven't gotten a reply, i've done something to upset them, they hate me *thinks about every possible reason why someone may hate me and what i've done wrong*, i'm annoying and they're probably fed up of me. Everyone gets bored of me, there's something about me that drives people away. I need to change but i don't know where to even begin. *heart pounds out of chest when any notification comes in as i'm expecting a long message of why i'm not good enough*
I am aware that this is not rational thinking, and the majority of the time what i'm worried about is not what is actually happening. That makes things even more difficult, i know that i'm most likely being irrational but i cannot deny that those anxieties that come into my head have power over everything i do/think/feel. I constantly need reassurance that my anxieties are irrational, and most likely not true as that seems to be the only thing that quietens them down (albeit, then i sometimes think "they're just saying these things to appease me, when they actually hate me and think that i do look hideous and am a lazy waste of space".
I'm not easy to deal with, i struggle to deal with myself.. nevermind others dealing with me. I'm sorry for people that are a part of my life, i truly am.
Sunday, 12 November 2017
Monday, 4 May 2015
What it feels like to have bulimia/bulimic tendencies.
I have come so far yet not far at all in recovery.
I started off anorexic (restrictive type), and then developed into anorexia (binge purge sub-type) and now then i became bulimic.
My official diagnosis is anorexia with binge purge tendencies, but i have done plenty of research and i know that my thoughts and behaviours are bulimic.
When i was in my very dark dark place when i developed anorexia binge purge sub-type/bulimia, i cannot fathom how exhausting it was! Every waking moment i was thinking about food, what food to eat next, where could i buy it from, how much would it cost, where could i hide it in the house so that my mum didn't find it, which shop did i last go to (because i didn't want to buy all binge food from one shop as i didn't want them to think "what a fat cow!"or to figure out what was happening). My whole world revolved around food, it still does. Every thought that i thought about would link back to food. "What time is it? Only 20 minutes until i can go to the shop and buy binge food","I should go walk the dogs, that way i can buy binge food on my walk with the dogs and can hide the wrappers on the walk". Even my dreams revolved around food. You do not understand how frustrating and draining it is to not be able to concentrate on anything but FOOD, I felt very self evolved, i couldn't really be there for my friends and family because my mind was far too consumed/preoccupied with bulimia. It's a miracle how i managed to get GCSE's and pass my BSL level 1,2,3. I became very deceitful, sneaky, sly, would lie constantly to try and cover my tracks. I was not me, i was my eating disorder but that had the physical appearance of 'Hayley'.
I don't know if this is what addiction feels like, but i feel like i was and still am addicted to food. Whether that was, what food can i get down me that is quick as possible to eat and is easy to hide and dispose of, or it was.. how can i get rid of the food i have just eaten, where can i go to buy more food, i hope they don't make me eat that, how many calories was in that etc. My life was utterly a consumption of food. I went from one extreme to the other... wanting to restrict, wanting to binge. My eating disorder was very irrational; if i had a meal that made me full, it would trigger off a binge as i felt guilty for feeling full. If i was starving hungry, i felt proud and accomplished as it meant i finally had some willpower. It's very hard to describe what it feels like to have these disorders. The best way i can describe it is that its like a demon has possessed my body, and its sole purpose is to make me eat until my insides explode, in the shortest amount of time possible... then to get rid of it all and repeat. When i'm binging, it is not Hayley that is in control, it is my eating disorder. I've had binges that have lasted for several months.
I have only gotten out of the binge purge cycle about 3/4 times in the past 4 years. When i am out of the binge purge cycle, i tend to return to my restrictive behaviours. I look healthy, i try to act like i don't have an eating disorder.I pretend to be 'normal', and i will force myself to eat in front of people. However I am far from normal. Every piece of food i eat, i have to have the battle of whether or not to purge it. My main motivation of not purging is that i don't want to waste my mums money, and i don't want to disappoint her. I do not care about all the problems that purging will be doing to my insides, i don't like being a burden. I want to make everyone happy... that's always been one of my problems. So for example, i try not to purge food that others have bought for me, but if it is my own money i would purge it all without a spec of guilt on my conscience. I know that i am a 'healthy weight', to me i feel obese. The numbers on the scale upset me, the BMI i am upsets me. I have no self esteem. I am very good at pretending that i'm something that i'm not. When i'm suicidal, i bet you wouldn't be able to tell as ill still smile and laugh and joke. Eating disorders are not taken note of until they manifest into a noticeable physical state. Hence why no one believes that i am poorly.
I am trying to piece my life back together, i force myself to do normal things... go drinking, have takeaways, go for meals out. All of those things provoke my anxiety. I'm not sure if i ever will be fully recovered from my eating disorder behaviours. My medication helps me, it makes my suicidal thoughts lessen and i can kind of 'brush off' the negative thoughts so that they don't show on my face that i'm struggling. Every so often they will get too much and i will crumble. I require a lot of reassurance and lots of cuddles. I'm a very complex individual who will drive you absolutely up the wall.
I have to try and remind myself that i am not my eating disorders, i have eating disorders but i am me... i am Hayley. I'm trying to make it so that Hayley is in control and not my eating disorders. I am like a mosaic, i am shattered but i'm trying to make beauty in all those shattered pieces, every now and again i shatter even more... its an endless cycle that i'm learning to accept. Even if i don't find the beauty in the pieces of me, i know deep down that someone else appreciates me, i just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I started off anorexic (restrictive type), and then developed into anorexia (binge purge sub-type) and now then i became bulimic.
My official diagnosis is anorexia with binge purge tendencies, but i have done plenty of research and i know that my thoughts and behaviours are bulimic.
When i was in my very dark dark place when i developed anorexia binge purge sub-type/bulimia, i cannot fathom how exhausting it was! Every waking moment i was thinking about food, what food to eat next, where could i buy it from, how much would it cost, where could i hide it in the house so that my mum didn't find it, which shop did i last go to (because i didn't want to buy all binge food from one shop as i didn't want them to think "what a fat cow!"or to figure out what was happening). My whole world revolved around food, it still does. Every thought that i thought about would link back to food. "What time is it? Only 20 minutes until i can go to the shop and buy binge food","I should go walk the dogs, that way i can buy binge food on my walk with the dogs and can hide the wrappers on the walk". Even my dreams revolved around food. You do not understand how frustrating and draining it is to not be able to concentrate on anything but FOOD, I felt very self evolved, i couldn't really be there for my friends and family because my mind was far too consumed/preoccupied with bulimia. It's a miracle how i managed to get GCSE's and pass my BSL level 1,2,3. I became very deceitful, sneaky, sly, would lie constantly to try and cover my tracks. I was not me, i was my eating disorder but that had the physical appearance of 'Hayley'.
I don't know if this is what addiction feels like, but i feel like i was and still am addicted to food. Whether that was, what food can i get down me that is quick as possible to eat and is easy to hide and dispose of, or it was.. how can i get rid of the food i have just eaten, where can i go to buy more food, i hope they don't make me eat that, how many calories was in that etc. My life was utterly a consumption of food. I went from one extreme to the other... wanting to restrict, wanting to binge. My eating disorder was very irrational; if i had a meal that made me full, it would trigger off a binge as i felt guilty for feeling full. If i was starving hungry, i felt proud and accomplished as it meant i finally had some willpower. It's very hard to describe what it feels like to have these disorders. The best way i can describe it is that its like a demon has possessed my body, and its sole purpose is to make me eat until my insides explode, in the shortest amount of time possible... then to get rid of it all and repeat. When i'm binging, it is not Hayley that is in control, it is my eating disorder. I've had binges that have lasted for several months.
I have only gotten out of the binge purge cycle about 3/4 times in the past 4 years. When i am out of the binge purge cycle, i tend to return to my restrictive behaviours. I look healthy, i try to act like i don't have an eating disorder.I pretend to be 'normal', and i will force myself to eat in front of people. However I am far from normal. Every piece of food i eat, i have to have the battle of whether or not to purge it. My main motivation of not purging is that i don't want to waste my mums money, and i don't want to disappoint her. I do not care about all the problems that purging will be doing to my insides, i don't like being a burden. I want to make everyone happy... that's always been one of my problems. So for example, i try not to purge food that others have bought for me, but if it is my own money i would purge it all without a spec of guilt on my conscience. I know that i am a 'healthy weight', to me i feel obese. The numbers on the scale upset me, the BMI i am upsets me. I have no self esteem. I am very good at pretending that i'm something that i'm not. When i'm suicidal, i bet you wouldn't be able to tell as ill still smile and laugh and joke. Eating disorders are not taken note of until they manifest into a noticeable physical state. Hence why no one believes that i am poorly.
I am trying to piece my life back together, i force myself to do normal things... go drinking, have takeaways, go for meals out. All of those things provoke my anxiety. I'm not sure if i ever will be fully recovered from my eating disorder behaviours. My medication helps me, it makes my suicidal thoughts lessen and i can kind of 'brush off' the negative thoughts so that they don't show on my face that i'm struggling. Every so often they will get too much and i will crumble. I require a lot of reassurance and lots of cuddles. I'm a very complex individual who will drive you absolutely up the wall.
I have to try and remind myself that i am not my eating disorders, i have eating disorders but i am me... i am Hayley. I'm trying to make it so that Hayley is in control and not my eating disorders. I am like a mosaic, i am shattered but i'm trying to make beauty in all those shattered pieces, every now and again i shatter even more... its an endless cycle that i'm learning to accept. Even if i don't find the beauty in the pieces of me, i know deep down that someone else appreciates me, i just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
Wednesday, 18 February 2015
Crazy
This is one of the first times in my life that i am reaching out for help.
I know i'm bad again (my depression, not really my eating disorder). I haven't had these "semi-suicidal" thoughts - yeah that's what i call them for some reason- in a long time.
I'll expand on what i mean by "semi-suicidal" thoughts...
-I do not want to be alive - at all!
-I wish that i was dead
-I have thoughts such as "what if i just stepped out into a busy street, then it would be all over with","what if i bought 100 pills and swallowed them all", "what if i just sped up really quick and then crashed into a wall".
I'm not necessarily saying i'm going to kill myself, because i'm not going to. I'm just looking for an escape out of my head, and just having these thoughts is like a back up of well that i could put an end to it all.
I am so grateful for my friends and family, my friends put up with me sobbing on them for what seemed like an eternity, my family have been really supportive as they can tell that i'm really down again. They're the only reason why i am sticking around right now. Despite my love for them, it doesn't make me feel less like i want to die, i still do want to die, but my love for them is what is stopping me acting upon these feelings.
After a long discussion with my auntie (who has mental health issues and is also a mental health nurse), she has convinced me to go speak to my GP and express how i feel. Since august 2014 i have had no support... no therapy, no medication reviews, no just general meetings with any specialist apart from my GP (who i only saw once). I've basically been battling it out on my own. I don't know what to expect from my GP appointment, i don't really know what to say to him, apart from "please help me i don't know what to do". I'm scared if i tell him about my "semi-suicidal" thoughts that he will refer me straight away for therapy again or send me away. I doubt they would send me inpatient but it is still a worry in my mind. I don't want my meds upping but tbh i think that is my only option right now, either that or to go onto new meds or stronger meds, I don't want councilling, i really dont. I don't know what i want i just don't know how to function at the moment.
I've been let down so many times, people have proven to me why i can't trust people and its shit. It makes me doubt making new relationships with people and makes me not want to talk to anyone about all my problems. Yes i have people that i trust, but only with certain things, i do not trust anyone 100%... not even my own mother. That sounds horrible but how can i trust someone 100% when i can't even trust myself fully.
I want my old body back. I want to be ideally 10kg lighter again, i want to have a thigh gap, i want small arms, no chubby cheeks, a flat tummy, be able to see my ribs and hip bones and collar bones. I know its a horrible thing to wish for but i do want that again. It kills me being this heavy, but i know it'd kill my family seeing me relapse into anorexia again. My bulimia is too strong at the moment for that to happen, i'm constantly just eating something and then purging, eating then purging. Its not necessarily a binge, it may just be like i eat 3 biscuits then purge, eat a yoghurt then purge etc. But it makes me feel out of control and like i can't stop eating. I'm tempted to join a gym and my mum said she'd be okay with that, but i think that would result in me relapsing into anorexia again.
Life is so complicated at the moment and i don't know what to do.
I know i'm bad again (my depression, not really my eating disorder). I haven't had these "semi-suicidal" thoughts - yeah that's what i call them for some reason- in a long time.
I'll expand on what i mean by "semi-suicidal" thoughts...
-I do not want to be alive - at all!
-I wish that i was dead
-I have thoughts such as "what if i just stepped out into a busy street, then it would be all over with","what if i bought 100 pills and swallowed them all", "what if i just sped up really quick and then crashed into a wall".
I'm not necessarily saying i'm going to kill myself, because i'm not going to. I'm just looking for an escape out of my head, and just having these thoughts is like a back up of well that i could put an end to it all.
I am so grateful for my friends and family, my friends put up with me sobbing on them for what seemed like an eternity, my family have been really supportive as they can tell that i'm really down again. They're the only reason why i am sticking around right now. Despite my love for them, it doesn't make me feel less like i want to die, i still do want to die, but my love for them is what is stopping me acting upon these feelings.
After a long discussion with my auntie (who has mental health issues and is also a mental health nurse), she has convinced me to go speak to my GP and express how i feel. Since august 2014 i have had no support... no therapy, no medication reviews, no just general meetings with any specialist apart from my GP (who i only saw once). I've basically been battling it out on my own. I don't know what to expect from my GP appointment, i don't really know what to say to him, apart from "please help me i don't know what to do". I'm scared if i tell him about my "semi-suicidal" thoughts that he will refer me straight away for therapy again or send me away. I doubt they would send me inpatient but it is still a worry in my mind. I don't want my meds upping but tbh i think that is my only option right now, either that or to go onto new meds or stronger meds, I don't want councilling, i really dont. I don't know what i want i just don't know how to function at the moment.
I've been let down so many times, people have proven to me why i can't trust people and its shit. It makes me doubt making new relationships with people and makes me not want to talk to anyone about all my problems. Yes i have people that i trust, but only with certain things, i do not trust anyone 100%... not even my own mother. That sounds horrible but how can i trust someone 100% when i can't even trust myself fully.
I want my old body back. I want to be ideally 10kg lighter again, i want to have a thigh gap, i want small arms, no chubby cheeks, a flat tummy, be able to see my ribs and hip bones and collar bones. I know its a horrible thing to wish for but i do want that again. It kills me being this heavy, but i know it'd kill my family seeing me relapse into anorexia again. My bulimia is too strong at the moment for that to happen, i'm constantly just eating something and then purging, eating then purging. Its not necessarily a binge, it may just be like i eat 3 biscuits then purge, eat a yoghurt then purge etc. But it makes me feel out of control and like i can't stop eating. I'm tempted to join a gym and my mum said she'd be okay with that, but i think that would result in me relapsing into anorexia again.
Life is so complicated at the moment and i don't know what to do.
Monday, 9 February 2015
Life is shit
Im in a pit of depression again.
I'm fat, i've gained all the weight i lost again. I seem to constantly eat, and its not good food i'm eating, its complete shit that i'm eating. I feel out of control in my food sense, and my whole life.
I'm fat, i've gained all the weight i lost again. I seem to constantly eat, and its not good food i'm eating, its complete shit that i'm eating. I feel out of control in my food sense, and my whole life.
I'm pretty certain i'm doing shit in college, i just don't have the motivation to start doing my work so i leave it last minute and then panic. I'm doing shit at signing, i just have lost my skill and i'm panicking that i'm losing my ability to sign and that i'm going to waste all this money because i'm going to fail my level 6 course. I'm a dissapointment to every one and i'm going to let everyone down.
My mind is a total fucking dark place to be. Being ignored for 2 weeks without any reasoning, just randomly stopped talking to me has totally fucked with my head. Have i done anything wrong? Have you lost interest? Why are you not speaking with me? Are you seeing someone else? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. I hate being ignored, my brain cannot function with it. Being ignored makes you realize how much a person means to you. I hope to god he has a legitimate reason for why he's ignoring me because i cannot think of anything going wrong the last time i saw him.
My mind is a total fucking dark place to be. Being ignored for 2 weeks without any reasoning, just randomly stopped talking to me has totally fucked with my head. Have i done anything wrong? Have you lost interest? Why are you not speaking with me? Are you seeing someone else? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. I hate being ignored, my brain cannot function with it. Being ignored makes you realize how much a person means to you. I hope to god he has a legitimate reason for why he's ignoring me because i cannot think of anything going wrong the last time i saw him.
I hate myself, i don't want to leave my bedroom, i just want to lay in the darkness and let it smother me. I hate going to college, i don't want to go out with my friends even though i love them to pieces, i just really hate facing the rest of the world. I have to put a brave face on for everyone else so that i seem happy. Yes i do laugh and smile sometimes but inside i feel like utter shit. I need the biggest hug going but i need to be left COMPLETELY alone.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Help.
Friday, 21 November 2014
IDK
I've had a really rough few weeks. I had a relapse into anorexia which lasted almost a month (not a lot I know) but I ended up losing 3kg roughly which I was happy about. But then someone made me have something chocolaty and now its started the b/p cycle again. I sound such a horrible person because both illnesses are horrific, but I wish I was suffering with anorexic tendencies rather than bulimic tendencies.
My dad was very poorly and got badly burnt on his face from the bonfire - this didn't help my fear of fire and I was a complete wreck. Luckily he's on the mend and feeling much much better, which is brilliant coz idk what i'd do without my dad.
I've been missing fucking dickhead again like a lot. It frustrates me that I miss him when he was a complete tool, im still welling things over in my head whether to try stay in contact with him or just forever leave him out of my life. My family despise him and tbh I don't blame them, they're the ones that had to pick up the pieces when I fell apart so many times because of him.
I just really want to be able to curl up in a ball with a quilt and a hot chocolate/cup of tea and just let the feelings suffocate me and consume me, its a horrible feeling but it also makes me feel safe aswell, but if I ever do this my mum and I end up in a big argument. She doesn't really realize how hard it is to actually face each day, the anxiety of meeting/seeing other people, the paranoia, actually having to face food and trying to convince yourself to not purge/binge, to have to actually deal with things is really hard sometimes.
On a brighter note, I have a new job which i'm really enjoying! All the people I work with are lovely and there are some good looking lads who work there aswell which is nice for the eyes ;) On a serious note I do really enjoy it because everyone is older than me and I get along with people who are older much better.
To sum up, i'm still stuck with ED tendencies but trying to lose weight, my dad was really poorly but is so much better now, i'm a dickhead who cares too much about others, I need to feel safe again, I have a new job which I so far really enjoy and i'm still fat and ugly.
Have a good weekend xxx
My dad was very poorly and got badly burnt on his face from the bonfire - this didn't help my fear of fire and I was a complete wreck. Luckily he's on the mend and feeling much much better, which is brilliant coz idk what i'd do without my dad.
I've been missing fucking dickhead again like a lot. It frustrates me that I miss him when he was a complete tool, im still welling things over in my head whether to try stay in contact with him or just forever leave him out of my life. My family despise him and tbh I don't blame them, they're the ones that had to pick up the pieces when I fell apart so many times because of him.
I just really want to be able to curl up in a ball with a quilt and a hot chocolate/cup of tea and just let the feelings suffocate me and consume me, its a horrible feeling but it also makes me feel safe aswell, but if I ever do this my mum and I end up in a big argument. She doesn't really realize how hard it is to actually face each day, the anxiety of meeting/seeing other people, the paranoia, actually having to face food and trying to convince yourself to not purge/binge, to have to actually deal with things is really hard sometimes.
On a brighter note, I have a new job which i'm really enjoying! All the people I work with are lovely and there are some good looking lads who work there aswell which is nice for the eyes ;) On a serious note I do really enjoy it because everyone is older than me and I get along with people who are older much better.
To sum up, i'm still stuck with ED tendencies but trying to lose weight, my dad was really poorly but is so much better now, i'm a dickhead who cares too much about others, I need to feel safe again, I have a new job which I so far really enjoy and i'm still fat and ugly.
Have a good weekend xxx
Thursday, 23 October 2014
Fat
Please don't tell me I'm not fat because I am. I'm the heightest weight I've EVER been, I'm nearly in the fucking overweight BMI. I'm not curvy and I don't have a nice figure... I'm FAT... F A T. My legs are huge and my bum is saggy, my tummy sticks out so much it looks like I'm newly pregnant, my arms just wobble all the time and I have about 10 chins. Please don't try reassure me that I'm not fat because even if In your eyes I'm not fat, in my eyes I am and I can only see myself through my eyes so yes I Am fat.
I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.
The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.
EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.
I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.
The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.
EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Lonely
I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Even if it's just a quick "hello how was your day?" And that's that. It's just nice to have someone actually want to speak to you and them texting you just proves that. I don't even necessarily mean having someone to speak to everyday in a romantic way (although that would be nice haha), but even just having a friend who you regularly chat to.
I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.
Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know? It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.
So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂
I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.
Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know? It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.
So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂
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