blargh

i cannot tell if i'm feeling better, or if im distracting myself.
Im scared my emotions and thoughts will all come rushing back once i actually have a crack in my schedule. I do feel worthless, useless, fat, ugly, disgusting, not good enough, waste of space ect ect.. but i arent acting upon them, like im wanting to cut and be sick ect ect but im just stopping myself which is really weird. I try and trigger myself because i want to be skinny, but im just like so greedy and like cannot be arsed counting calories, exercising more, being sick, all the hurt it would bring my family kind of stops me ( or maybe im just and never was ill enough ). I dont want to be fat forever, i actually want to achieve being skinny, even if that means going back into hospital in my adult life.
bleaurghhhhhhhhhhh i wish i was ill i wish i was ill i wish i was ill - yes i know this is a horrible thing to wish for but it was my comfort blanket being ill and its hard without it.