I'm currently all over the place - i'm happy and sad and confused and angry and stressed and okay all at the same time, i don't understand this at all!
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
No comments:
Post a Comment