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My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.

I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!

My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week,  just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.

Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!