fed up and hold no hope

I'm fed up of college - the constant thoughts and worries about how im failing, how i'm stupid, how everyone laughs at me, how i'm the ugliest girl there and they all judge me, how if i fuck this year up then its going to hold back my future, how i'm letting my teachers down because i'm going to get shit grades.

I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.

I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.

I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.

I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.

I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.