My mum then showed me where my card from my ex therapist lorna was (she gave me the card when she left work) and there was such a lovely quote "i will always remember you with fondness". That quote really really did touch me, lorna knew never to compliment me because i just simply cannot accept them and would think she was lying, but this was such a lovely way of showing to me that i impacted her life in a good way, and that i actually meant something to her, this really was such a lovely way of her saying goodbye. Lorna just knew me inside out after i had seen her for 2/3 years. She could tell when i was struggling, knew what would make me angry, knew what would trigger me (e.g. saying "you look really really healthy") and just generally was empathetic to what i was going through. I doubt ill ever have that sort of relationship with a therapist again. She did save my life, even though i didnt appreciate it at the time, and still dont sometimes now, but its true, if it wasnt for her i would be dead right now. Sometimes i question whether that is a good thing or not in my moments of weakness, but i know deep down that it was a blessing.
I have only had a similar relationship with another well, not a therapist but someone who looked after me whilst i was in hospital was Chris. I yet again saw a birthday card that he chose for my 14th birthday and what he got the majority of staff and patients to sign. He also knew me pretty well. We was so similar, we had similar taste in music, he knew when there was something not right with me, and encouraged me to get better without actually bullshitting me like the rest of the staff did. He probably saved me from myself, i still remember things he said to me which have impacted my life. Little snippets of memories, the way he understood that i was feeling shit and didnt make a big deal about leaving a few crumbs. I miss him just like i miss lorna.
Looking back on my past makes me very upset and confused. It feels like it was all a dream, that i never actually did all of those things i used to do - even though im fully aware it was all real. I just cannot imagine how i did it, how i starved myself, how i lied constantly, how i constantly counted calories, how i managed to over exercise without my family finding out, all those stupid pro ana tips i'd do. And now im just a girl at a healthy weight, who apparently eats healthily but i think over eats excessively, who doesnt have control over food anymore because she regularly binges and purges. But also who doesnt dare to cut because she doesnt want to dissapoint others. It feels like im normal and that honestly scares the shit out of me. I know i'm not ill anymore, but i would give anything to go back and actually be properly ill again, actually BE SKINNY and not eat, over exercise, have scars on my arms to prove that my head is still struggling and that i have struggled, because i feel like a fake/phoney.
Its very confusing this 'stage' im at now. I cant imagine myself restricting again, but i cant imagine not binging and purging anymore. I'm not ill in the sense that im anorexic, and im not ill in the sense that im full blown bulimic, and i dont think im ednos because i dont restrict and binge and purge, i just am lost, and i cant predict which direction im going to go in because im so scared of recovery, yet theres something in me that cant seem to hold back onto the eating disorder. Maybe this is a vital stage in recovery? Who knows. I just hope it doesn't last long, because i cant seem to find myself at all. I dont really have an identity anymore
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