Setback?

Well well well, basically i'm a lying little bitch.
I've lied to everyone about my binging and purging to everyone apart from my ed friends - i lied to my therapist, my family, i didn't admit it to my friends but i shouldn't really because wtf could they do to stop me.

Then i got caught out, i was very mixed with emotions.
In some way i was glad i have been caught out, because now the kitchen door shall be locked and hopefully i shall stop binging and purging as much which should STOP THE FUCKING WEIGHT GAIN!
 But then i also felt humiliated and embarrassed because i thought i could be strong enough to cope by myself, but thinking back i didnt at all, when all the control was given to me i ran straight back to bulimia, but hid it so well from even myself. It made me feel like a failure that i ran back to bulimia, im meant to be anorexic not bulimic, so the fact that i started to eat more and then be sick rather than restrict actually disgusts me and makes me upset.
NOW i have to admit to my therapist that i was lying to her, because otherwise my mum will tell her, i feel bad that i've abused her trust with me but honestly i wanted to cope with this on my own. Maybe i'm not strong enough to cope with this on my own, or maybe i'm too greedy now? Both i think are very possible, and depending on my mood depends on which i think is the right answer.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BADLY! I've gotten into my head my ideal weight to loose by summer - 10kg/22lbs/1 stone 8 lbs. I doubt that will happen though, so im trying to be more realistic and try to lose 3/4kg by summer, can i do it? i hope so, but sincerely doubt it as i'm a fatso greedy lump of utter pure lard.

I'm just sorry that im wishing to be ill, yet i know others who are dying to recover, i'm sorry im such a hypocrite and so ungrateful.