For me, my eating disorder started by feeling out of control in everything In my life, so I decided to control my food intake. I got very good at not eating and losing weight, it was my comfort blanket, my safety net. I couldn't control the situations outside myself but I could control my diet and weight and that somehow made me feel better.
Since then I am so afraid of losing control, when I went into hospital I couldn't control my food intake so therefore I started exercising to keep in control of my weight, and when that wasn't enough I started purging, I was so rigid with my control, I wouldn't let anything go.
When I got discharged at first I still had control over my weight, and I suppose over my food (as I wouldn't eat anything extra off of my meal plan), then one day I gave up the control, and it turned into a binge, so then to try relinquish my control I started purging more often as the binging episodes became often. Ever since I lost my control that one day (the first day I binged), I haven't seemed to ever get it back, that was 3 years ago and now I'm 15kg heavier.
Everything I feared when I would lose control has happened, all I want is my control back but it's like I used to be in control of food, and now food is in control of me and I don't know how to get it back.
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