Rant

I've been stuck in this cycle for 3 and a half years now. I have times where i think im getting better but then i have a massive relapse.

I haven't been diagnosed, but i have all of the symptoms of a bulimic and i am 99.9% certain that i am bulimic. I go through phases of binge and purge and sometimes its ridiculously bad, and other times it isnt that bad. I'm truly ashamed of my illness... i hide any evidence that im stuck in this horrible cycle and yet i have been caught out several times.

Its embarrassing to think of how much i eat in a binge... how fast i eat it, what it actually is that im eating. I'm aware that i'm bingeing but i just zone out. Its like a possessed person who has been starved for weeks enters my body and rushed to grab ANYTHING to eat that's in sight. And then i realise how bad I've got and i run to the bathroom and puke it up. I've never used laxatives, its always just been purging.

Its so bad that i actually self taught myself how to purge without any help - and by help i mean i don't have to shove fingers/toothbrush down my throat or drink salty water or whatever. I'm so used to being sick now that it doesn't even feel horrible to me anymore. I now enjoy being sick because its like a relief once its out of my system. I know being sick doesn't work though because in the past three years I've gained over 30lbs, and its truly such a horrible feeling and sight.

I'm more ashamed of the fact that in a binge i eat so much.. rather than the fact that im sick. Im ashamed that i've probably wasted hundreds of pounds on binge food/my familys food by just eating it in a big binge and not enjoying it and then purging it.

I do sometimes cut back and start the restricting cycle again, and i think that if i did live on my own i would just restrict binge purge restrict binge purge restrict binge purge. But restricting at home is basically impossible seen as though my family force me to eat 3 meals a day and supervise me for them.

I am very open about my eating disorder to people, well about my anorexia.. but i'm so ashamed of admitting my bulimia. It's sick that i'd rather have anorexia than bulimia when really i should wish to not have either because they are both horrible illnesses.

I know that i'm poorly with bulimia and im stuck... im so so so stuck and i dont know how to stop it and i know that if i cant get help from it that it will kill me later on in life. But actually going and asking for help and admitting to a professional how severe it gets, its ridiculously hard for me to do and im so scared of getting turned down because i don't 'look ill' because im fat.

I so desperately want to have a normal life and i'm scared that if i ask for help and admit how severe i get, that if i did end up in inpatient that it would fuck my whole life up.

Theres never a right time to go into hospital, but right now is really not the right time and i dont want to go back, i want to beat this on my own but its so damn hard you dont understand.

No one knows the extent of my illness because i keep 90% of it a secret, i would keep it all a secret but i get caught 10% of the time.

Eating disorders are not glamorous.. and i wish that i could go back to when i was 12 and stop myself from going down this path. I'm going to be stuck with this for life and its really really hard to fight it.