*big sigh*

So an overview of my ed history.
At the age of 12 started restricting and overexercising
At the age of 13 was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa ( i hate that word its like venom in my mouth)
At the age of 13 i was put inpatient for my eating disorder
At the age of 13 was put on anti depressants
At the age of 14 was discharged from inpatient
At the age of 14 started binging and purging severely
At the age of 14 started self harming
At the age of 14 gained 10 kg
At the age of 14 was put on anti-psychotics
At the age of 15 lost 7 kg
At the age of 16 gained 13 kg
At the age of 17 lost 3 kg
At the age of 17 gained a further 5 kg.

Since the age of 14 i have been stuck in a binge purge cycle or a restricting cycle. At the moment im stuck in the binge purge cycle again but yet again am at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT! Literally i'm so so huge and it is really disgusting. I don't even know if i want to get better, i just want to stop this binging and purging because it only makes me gain weight and feel shitty.
 I've never since the age of 12 been able to 'eat healthily' without restricting or binging and purging. I don't know if there is an end to this cycle which is flipping scary!
I'm fed up of being stuck, I've tried so many things to try eat 'normally' but i just cant seem to.

My plan is to stop b/p and to stop purging full stop. I don't know if that's realistic or not but i know i need to stop. I cannot deal with more weight gain and bloated-ness and spending all my money, all the embarrassment and sneaking around. I want to be in control of food, not continue with food being in control of me. I've said this so many times and im hoping one day i can stick to this.

I don't know what my plan is to do but i know something needs to change. Being stuck with disordered thoughts and food habits for 6 years isn't very nice at all.