Catchup

So this week has ended up being a good week!!!
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.

Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.

Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.

So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx

.

My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.

I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!

My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week,  just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.

Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!

Best of me- a day to remember

This is my song to you - it makes me sad but it perfectly describes everything ATM....

What'd you expect from me?

It's not my fault you'll never be happy.

Just cause you're right doesn't mean I'm wrong,

Our days were numbered and we knew it all along.

Can't you let things be?

Now all that's left is misunderstandings.

Spent my nights wishing I was gone.

My dad was right, we will never get along.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

Can't you act your age?

Is it that hard to say what you're thinking?

Lately my life's moving way too fast

You'd drag me down if I'd let you hold me back.

What a mess you've made,

And you hide from it at the bars you frequent.

Blamed myself avoiding time this cost,

But looking back you only learn from what you lost.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I will never be the one you want, no I will never be the one you want. (Oh-oh oh-oh)

Finally come to terms that I can't stop, no not this time. (Ye-yeah)

[x2]

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

Love

Love isn't just in a romantic sense... Yes it is a huge part of what 'love' is associated with and yes it is a big part of what it is, I'm just saying that people fixate on he romantic sense of love rather than the other versions of it. There's the love of a mother and their child, the love of a programme, the love of an idol, the love of the family, the love of a friend.

The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.

He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.

Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.

I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.

So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx

I'm sorry

I feel so bad and I know I shouldn't but I do.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.

I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.

I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.

I'm so sorry, please stay strong.

Alone

I have always felt alone, even since being a little girl.
-At primary school i always used to watch my 'friends' play and just watch and guard all their coats whilst they had fun because i was too self conscious to join in with them.
-I had a really difficult time at high school and got bullied.

-I have never really had many friends, and theres only been one friend who has lasted for 5 years - the rest have not lasted that long and are history pretty much.

-I've never really had anyone to talk to everyday, no one really seems to 'get me'.. even though i try to make attempts to talk to people, it just doesnt really work so i get fed up and give up.
-I've only had 1 boyfriend and tbh it was hardly a relationship, we had nothing in common and i wasnt happy. So now i'm just scared of being forever alone

Yes i have my family and others that i do talk to, but no one really seems to understand fully what i'm feeling, i have people who feel and think very similar things to me, but i just dont know. I am in a room full of people and i just am trapped inside this body that i hate with thoughts that i cant control which hate me.

Yet another rambling that is very repetitive and boring... oh life.

*big sigh*

So an overview of my ed history.
At the age of 12 started restricting and overexercising
At the age of 13 was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa ( i hate that word its like venom in my mouth)
At the age of 13 i was put inpatient for my eating disorder
At the age of 13 was put on anti depressants
At the age of 14 was discharged from inpatient
At the age of 14 started binging and purging severely
At the age of 14 started self harming
At the age of 14 gained 10 kg
At the age of 14 was put on anti-psychotics
At the age of 15 lost 7 kg
At the age of 16 gained 13 kg
At the age of 17 lost 3 kg
At the age of 17 gained a further 5 kg.

Since the age of 14 i have been stuck in a binge purge cycle or a restricting cycle. At the moment im stuck in the binge purge cycle again but yet again am at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT! Literally i'm so so huge and it is really disgusting. I don't even know if i want to get better, i just want to stop this binging and purging because it only makes me gain weight and feel shitty.
 I've never since the age of 12 been able to 'eat healthily' without restricting or binging and purging. I don't know if there is an end to this cycle which is flipping scary!
I'm fed up of being stuck, I've tried so many things to try eat 'normally' but i just cant seem to.

My plan is to stop b/p and to stop purging full stop. I don't know if that's realistic or not but i know i need to stop. I cannot deal with more weight gain and bloated-ness and spending all my money, all the embarrassment and sneaking around. I want to be in control of food, not continue with food being in control of me. I've said this so many times and im hoping one day i can stick to this.

I don't know what my plan is to do but i know something needs to change. Being stuck with disordered thoughts and food habits for 6 years isn't very nice at all.