PROS-
*The guy who has caused me so much grief and upset i think is finally out of my life! ive just realised that even though i dont think im worth much, that i know that i deserve better than that and tbh even when i was hooking up with him or speaking to him.. i wasnt happy and i didnt trust him so what was the point of even staying in contact. I mean i still care for him and wish him happiness,i just dont want him in my life anymore.
*I've made a new friend who is lovely jubbly and thats very exciting and new to me!
*Im starting a new college and a new job which hopefully is a better choice than staying at gh because i hated it there.
CONS-
*Im fucking huge.. i mean huge, i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i just want to be back to like 10kg less than i am now, i would look so much better and feel so much better but im too fucking lazy and greedy to actually lose the weight.
*I'm stuck in quite bad binge purge cycles at the moment which is embaressing for me to admit to anyone but yeah i feel quite stuck
*I dont like my part time job i have atm anymore, ive been there 2 and a half years and im just fed up of the shitty customers and to be honest i dont fit in with any of the members of staff there.. the only way to describe it is like they're all the 'popular cool kids' who are all up to date and know eachother and go out all the time etc, then theres me the 'lame dorky fat weirdo' who doesnt have a lot of friends, knows no one and doesnt really have a social life.
So im pretty stuck between all these sorts of feelings- as per usual haha.
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Saturday, 9 August 2014
Sigh
Yet again i don't have a fucking clue about my life.
I am not consistent at all! My mood literally changes drastically in 1 second.. I don't know if that's because of my medicines or not as I've missed my medicines. I think I'm slowly accepting that I need medicine to survive.
Looking back on my ed, I've come so far yet not far at all... I'll explain. I don't restrict anymore and I don't always count calories (which is a big achievement as I couldn't survive without counting every single calorie) I can eat out in public more (even though I still have high anxiety and mainly end up purging what I've had). However it is basically not much better as I hate my body and want to lose weight desperately, I binge and purge so often and I purge still even when I haven't binged. People do not think Ill because I'm a healthy weight. I also have anxiety which is not very nice and still have depression.
I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone forever or that I'm just going to be treat pooey like I always have been by boys. I get far too attached to them which isn't good because I end up still caring for them and running back to them when I really shouldn't. I'm trying to just remember I have really good friends ATM and I shouldn't be focusing on not having someone. It would just be nice to have someone who likes me for me even though I don't like myself at all and someone who would treat me nicely and care for me. Sigh. If I stop looking maybe I'll find someone? If not I'll just cuddle my doggies because I know they love me .
Bla bla bla this post is pointless and repetitive as all my posts at but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell this stuff so I just vent on here and feel slightly relieved to get it off of my chest.
Hope you're having a lovely summer xxxxx
I am not consistent at all! My mood literally changes drastically in 1 second.. I don't know if that's because of my medicines or not as I've missed my medicines. I think I'm slowly accepting that I need medicine to survive.
Looking back on my ed, I've come so far yet not far at all... I'll explain. I don't restrict anymore and I don't always count calories (which is a big achievement as I couldn't survive without counting every single calorie) I can eat out in public more (even though I still have high anxiety and mainly end up purging what I've had). However it is basically not much better as I hate my body and want to lose weight desperately, I binge and purge so often and I purge still even when I haven't binged. People do not think Ill because I'm a healthy weight. I also have anxiety which is not very nice and still have depression.
I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone forever or that I'm just going to be treat pooey like I always have been by boys. I get far too attached to them which isn't good because I end up still caring for them and running back to them when I really shouldn't. I'm trying to just remember I have really good friends ATM and I shouldn't be focusing on not having someone. It would just be nice to have someone who likes me for me even though I don't like myself at all and someone who would treat me nicely and care for me. Sigh. If I stop looking maybe I'll find someone? If not I'll just cuddle my doggies because I know they love me .
Bla bla bla this post is pointless and repetitive as all my posts at but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell this stuff so I just vent on here and feel slightly relieved to get it off of my chest.
Hope you're having a lovely summer xxxxx
Friday, 25 July 2014
Catchup
So this week has ended up being a good week!!!
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.
Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.
Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.
So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.
Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.
Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.
So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx
Thursday, 17 July 2014
.
My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.
I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!
My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week, just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.
Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.
I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!
My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week, just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.
Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!
Friday, 4 July 2014
Best of me- a day to remember
This is my song to you - it makes me sad but it perfectly describes everything ATM....
What'd you expect from me?
It's not my fault you'll never be happy.
Just cause you're right doesn't mean I'm wrong,
Our days were numbered and we knew it all along.
Can't you let things be?
Now all that's left is misunderstandings.
Spent my nights wishing I was gone.
My dad was right, we will never get along.
So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.
This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
Can't you act your age?
Is it that hard to say what you're thinking?
Lately my life's moving way too fast
You'd drag me down if I'd let you hold me back.
What a mess you've made,
And you hide from it at the bars you frequent.
Blamed myself avoiding time this cost,
But looking back you only learn from what you lost.
So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.
This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I will never be the one you want, no I will never be the one you want. (Oh-oh oh-oh)
Finally come to terms that I can't stop, no not this time. (Ye-yeah)
[x2]
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
Sunday, 29 June 2014
Love
Love isn't just in a romantic sense... Yes it is a huge part of what 'love' is associated with and yes it is a big part of what it is, I'm just saying that people fixate on he romantic sense of love rather than the other versions of it. There's the love of a mother and their child, the love of a programme, the love of an idol, the love of the family, the love of a friend.
The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.
He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.
Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.
I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.
So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx
The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.
He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.
Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.
I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.
So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx
Sunday, 22 June 2014
I'm sorry
I feel so bad and I know I shouldn't but I do.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.
I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.
I'm so sorry, please stay strong.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.
I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.
I'm so sorry, please stay strong.
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