Nothing

I've learnt that my paranoia is always correct. I meant nothing to him, never have meant anything, never will. I was just a girl who got her hopes up and they have come crashing down (like always). It sucks knowing that I'm worthless and mean nothing to anyone. I'm going to have to learn to not trust people anymore because my hopes always come crashing down. Fuck!

Merry Christmas

Hope you all had a fabulous Christmas! Mine was okay, got fantastic presents which made my day.. Even did good with food until my grandad said a comment about me eating quickly which made me feel guilty and put me in a shit mood. But o well :/ my heart goes out to everyone who has a mental illness and is struggling with today, and all those In hospital who aren't enjoying Christmas at home or with family. Stay strong beautifuls, I love you all xxxxxxxxxx

blargh

i cannot tell if i'm feeling better, or if im distracting myself.
Im scared my emotions and thoughts will all come rushing back once i actually have a crack in my schedule. I do feel worthless, useless, fat, ugly, disgusting, not good enough, waste of space ect ect.. but i arent acting upon them, like im wanting to cut and be sick ect ect but im just stopping myself which is really weird. I try and trigger myself because i want to be skinny, but im just like so greedy and like cannot be arsed counting calories, exercising more, being sick, all the hurt it would bring my family kind of stops me ( or maybe im just and never was ill enough ). I dont want to be fat forever, i actually want to achieve being skinny, even if that means going back into hospital in my adult life.
bleaurghhhhhhhhhhh i wish i was ill i wish i was ill i wish i was ill - yes i know this is a horrible thing to wish for but it was my comfort blanket being ill and its hard without it.

idk

I just dont know anything anymore. Dont know whether im happy or sad, where I stand with people, whether to trust them or not, whether to give up trying .. I just do not know!

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..

I want to cut I want to cut I want to cut I want to cut but I fucking can't! :'(
Im not good enough, fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly worthless worthless worthless worthless useless useless

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bleaurgh

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I just want to help fix you and make you happy, like you make me feel happier.

alone

I am alone with my thoughts. I am alone as I dont know who to trust and have no friends, I will always be alone.. Forever.
Alone isnt a nice feeling :(

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cut cut cut

I want to cut but I can't... Fuck

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eurgh

Talk to me, talk to me, I want to help you but I dont want to repel you which I think I already have. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Sorry im not good enough.

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paranoia

I can't fucking cope with this. My mind just won't rest up. I just imagine you describing your love for her as if I dont exist. That im nothing, nobody, im worthless. And I think you dont give a shit about me :/ I hope it's paranoia, she doesn't fucking help me though. My head is just fucked. Im sorry...
I arent good enough.

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let me go, set me straight, set me free!

I cannot deal with the unknown, its just fucking with my brains. Set me straight, set me free ffs, I need to know the truth.
Its so hard to not cut, I really just want to carve worthless into my leg but my mum will kill me :'( I am so worthless, I deserve to die .. The only thing stopping me is that I dont want to die a fat failure .
I can't stop tormenting myself until you just tell me out straight.
Set Me free ... Please :(

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:(

Thanks a lot for potentially fucking ruining things for me! You had to go fucking blab your mouth , when even you know its private stuff! Now everyone probably hates me even though I've done nothing wrong?! I just feel so insecure and fucking fed up of messing up things. Im sorry, sorry for trusting anyone because these days you can't trust no one!
I hope he speaks to me and I haven't fucked things up too much,  but then again you probably didn't care about me anyway :'(
Fuck fuck fuck

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im fine

Im fine im fine im fine im fine im fine. . . Oh wait, im tricking myself again, I AINT FUCKING FINE.

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fuck

I hate you bulimia, you're probably going to make me lose my job, you have made me fat, you have made me miserable. Im constantly paranoid about everything. I cannot help others now which means I'll be shit at my job when im older. I feel so worthless, no I AM worthless. I deserve to be locked away from society because im so much of a fucking horrible person the world doesn't need me. I think about cutting every day but I pussy out. Oh and I broke down at work yesterday,
First time I've cried properly in a year :'(

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worrying

I just want to fix you and make you all better but I dont seem to help you at all. ive become attached already to you and im going to get hurt because im not the one you want, you're still in love with her, im just not even second best. I just feel not good enough for anyone (especially not myself) oh and I am so fat compared to you :-(

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fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. That's my only feeling right now.

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im not her

I dont want to be a rebound girl. You're still hung up over her, I won't be able to replace her.

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eurgh

I thought I was fucking desperate but fucking hell, you just go for anyone who gives you attention. You really piss me off sometimes , sorry not sorry

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plan

6 small meals a day
No more binging
Only eat food I bring to work
Try stay on top of homework
Exercise to keep fit ( try get a set routine)
Dont count calories but be aware of them
Read more
WHICH SHOULD EQUAL HAPPINESS!

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:-(

"stop eating!"
Those are the words that have made me realise how much bulimia has taken over, its not just me that thinks I eat too much, even my mum thinks so. No wonder im so fat. I just wish I could restrict and lose so im not fat and greedy any more. Fuck you bulimia, I hate you :(

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fuck

Im fucking a kilo gram heavier :'( im meant to be losing weight not gaining it :'( I just feel like Such a fat ugly greedy cunt and I have to pretend to be happy when I want to cut so badly.

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alone

I've pushed everyone and everything away
I pushed you away and now you hate me
I pushed my best friends away and they now have the friendships I used to have with them, with each other
I pushed my anorexia away and now im trying to grab it back I just can't
I pushed my self control away and replaced it with greed
I am truely alone, and I fake a happy face and even convince myself im fine,but underneath the bullshit im actually just not ok, im not ok, im not ok at all.

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So fucking lonely

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:(

I feel so alone, like my best friends are leaving me, my other best friend who understands my problems hates me, and the one person who makes Me feel better I can't be with.
Also I feel like im in my own bubble of illness, im not Ill but im not cured, lost between two states, just floating by life unhappy, not utterly depressed but far from happy.
Please let me get fully depressed because that's when I have my illness back, which is the one thing that keeps me sane...

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pathetic

Im so pathetic, im constantly fighting with myself - whether to eat or not, whether to be sick, whether to cut, whether to binge, whether to exercise. Its fucking horrible, especially as I dont look/aren't ill, it makes me feel like a phoney! And then im moaning about my life when I know people far worse off than me, and those people would kill to have it as easy as me!
And im getting upset because the one person who makes me feel a worth while person I can't be with.
Life SUCKS! :-(

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:(

Loosing everyone :'(
Fuck sake why do I upset everyone.
Im so fucking selfish I dont deserve anything I have. Eurgh

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:/

I resorted to this last night :-(

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fuck

Im a fucking whale, am ugly and boring, and I always get in bad situations. I just wish id met you first, and that's really selfish that I've got attached when you attached to him first. I can't fucking believe how stupid I am. But it still doesn't stop me wanting what should of happened.
Fuck me this is cryptic. Lhfsuccsubnowsgiblbgoidvvvshhisdhh FUCK LIFE

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:(

Im going to be a shit host for this party. Everyone's going to be bored and it'll be awkward :'( fuck.

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fuck

Why did I do that, ruining everything ergh.

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fuck

Everyone is relapsing and im just here fat and gaining weight :'( I just feel so fucking disgusting and gross, I need to trigger myself into losing all this weight ive gained. I just can't deal with this, I SHOULD be falling back down instead im just getting bigger and bigger.

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i don't know whether its because its suicide awareness day, or because ive watched demi lovato's stay strong documentry, but i'd thought id send you all a message...
recovery is hard, it is ongoing, it is strenuous but you have to keep going. like demi lovato said, recovery doesnt take a break... and i dont think it ever will, sadly they're will ALWAYS be a little demon in your head trying to take over your soul again, but i can promise you that the little demons voice/ affect on you shall lesson more and more the further along in recovery you go.
yes its a struggle, yes its hard, yes some days it seems like the easy option is to give up. and probably some of those days you will make a few mistakes, but each mistake is something to learn from and it will make you even stronger.

please please please STAY STRONG, and if you ever need anyone, please dont hesitate to ring/text/inbox/speak to me or anyone, just don't try and keep things bottled up because a problem shared is a problem halfed ( as our dearest natalie from the priory once told me ;) )

love you all so much, keep fighting because there is a whole world out there waiting for you, you can do this!!!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

today

Utterly shit. Flashback of my past and it felt horrible ( being called emo and that I slit my wrists and wrap chain around my neck). Then eating at school where I dont live up to the expectations of an anorexic because im FAT, especially recently after gaining all this weight. Eating sweets and purging, wasting my mum's money. Wanting to self harm and actually cry which I haven't done since November. Having the pressure of succeeding in my gcse s , which I doubt I will reach my expectations because im fucking lazy and thick. Oh and not even receiving a fucking apology which I fucking well deserve.
Might go and make my mood worse by embarrassing myself and admitting to my mum that im not such an innocent girl.

Fuck fuck fuck.
Let me crawl into this disease and feel secure again, make me feel numb.

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I just want to be ill again. In control of what I eat ( well dont eat ) instead if what I eat controlling me. I want to actually be skinny, so skinny that people darent touch me. So my bones protrude and slice my skin. So people are worried about me and believe im poorly, so I actually believe im poorly. Please just let myself sink further into myself.

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shit

I've lost both of my friends because of a fucking stupid joke :( I can't believe I was such an idiot. I just want to reverse back a week ago ! Fuck fuck fuck.

I can't even describe how nervous I am for school because I hate it and the only good things about it hate me.

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results

Fairly pleased with my results. 2x a, 3x b 2x c :)

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fucking orgasmic

He is so beautiful and gorgeous and hot and handsome and perfect and sexy and fit and crow and peng.
Yes im even resorting to complimenting him in every language (English and chav) because he is just that fucking fuckable.
if only he was mine... Sigh.
        a Girl can always dream :)

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motherhood

I am actually in love with Lucy, she's my baby and is making me so happy, I feel like her mother. I Can't wait to actually be a mum, if it feels like this then it's worth it!

Can't wait for Aaron to meet her :D

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chilling

Chilling in the sun with my two babies...

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Lucy

Omg I have the most beautiful puppy in the world, she's called Lucy and I love her to pieces! She's only ten weeks old and is SO CUTE !!!!! I miss her like crazy and we haven't been apart for even eighteen hours. I can't wait for Aaron to see her. It'll be a lovely surprise hehe. Here's a picture...

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Fuck

Fuck you facebook for showing that the person your speaking to has seen your message but is ignoring you, therefore making you feel instantly like shit :(

Stupid

I'M a fucking stupid stupid STUPID cunt! I need to stop embarrassing myself :'(

:(

Why do I fucking eat so much?! :( I'm a FAT PIG.

.

Id die if certain people saw my blogger account, I only trust like 2 people to read it.

..

I'm such a stupid annoying disgusting pathetic greedy selfish fat ugly cunt! I want to cut so badly

Last chance

Last chance, last time I'm putting myself in that position, otherwise I'm going to delete you from my life because I just get to upset. How hard this is going to be :( idek why I get so attatched. Tomorrow is going to be shit, I hope I don't comfort eat :/
Fuck my life.

Fat fucking bitch

I eat so much and am greedy! I infuriate myself so much. No wonder everyone hates me, I'm fat and consumed by food :(  I hate myself

Fat

I eat so much and I'm so fat :( so much for healthy august, I've just eaten shit.

:(

I wish you would make your mind up because I can't handle these mixed signals. Maybe they're only mixed signals in my head.

Fkf

Already fucked up my fresh start this month :(
Going to try extra hard to be healthier!

:@

Your pissing me off, why are you supposedly so sad when you've never even had real shit happen to you. I'm sorry but its annoying me how you don't even tell me whats wrong so I can't help you if anything shit HAS happened.

snake bites

i got my snakebites done :D
even though most people will hate them, idec they can get fucked its my body and seen as though i already hate myself more than you could hate me, then i suppose your opinion is rather invalid.

honestly

honestly i feel so fucking fat and it makes me want to cry
honestly i cannot cry for some abnormal reason and that in itself fucking infuriates me
honestly i eat so fucking much shit that it makes me feel so guilty
honestly i can never stop thinking about what im going to eat next because im greedy
honestly i look in the mirror and all i see are inperfections
honestly i believe i'm ugly
honestly i'm ashamed to be in public because of how vile i am
honestly i feel like i dont even deserve anything i get
honestly i feel like a phoney when it comes to my eating disorder
honestly i am repulsed by my current weight
honestly i feel i've never been skinny
honestly i hate how out of control i am
honestly i think you hate me because of how fat and ugly i look
honestly it infuriates me how obsessive i am
honestly i am not okay, i put on a pretty good mask that i convince myself i'm ok 
honestly i just wish that you could accept all my faults and get to know me because i feel like i need you in my life to help me get past these
honestly i feel so so alone right now and it fucking sucks. 

Was it...

Sympathy, guilt, pity?
Because it can't of been true genuine feelings, it obviously wasn't honest feelings like it was for me.

.

Im going to be fucking miserable this summer, the only person I want to confide in about this doesnt want fuck all to do with me.

Ffs

Hayley just stop right now, your a fucking twat, no one wants to be your friend so stop trying to be sociable because no one wants anything to do with you!

Burden

Hayley you're a fucking burden to everyone, it's be better off if you crawled into a cave and just died, NO ONE would miss you.

:/

A cuddle and a kiss wouldn't go a miss. Feel and look so fat and ugly. I need some control over my food intake again. I'm out of control :( and you don't even care about me, I just can tell.

:(

Feel like such a loner. Had no texts and I have no friends here. Oh and ive been eating shit and I'm fat and have gained weight! And I'm burnt and look ugly. I'm worrying about things at home and just feel proper vile! Bleurgh :l

:(

Going to ends up gaining loads of weight on holiday because im a fat cunt and that will make you turn away from me even more!

Confused

Got weighed today and wasn't as heavy as I thought I would be! But I feel fat still. My brain is just like mush. BUT Ive finished school for 7 weeks ana I'm going on holiday in 2 days... Woooop!

lonely lonely lonely.

i hate feeling this lonely :'( i feel like i'm going to be forever alone.
i just want to feel loved and to have some male company who will make me happy and accept me for who i am...
i know what a   l o n g s h o t   that is for me!!
i mean i'm beyond ugly, fat, boring, pathetic, clingy, selfish, fucked up, jealous!
they're like the WORST quality's to have as a girlfriend so no wonder you don't like me.

do you ever just feel like you miss human contact ? i certainly do like always.
it must just be bliss to have someone to snuggle in bed next to every night, to have someones hand to hold, to have someone to kiss you and tickle/stroke/massage you.

eurgh my mind is just getting way ahead of itself, i mean i'm almost 16 so why do i feel so lonely all the time. i think its just because i have like 0 FRIENDS!
 merh i'm going to go snuggle in bed and feel sorry for myself, na night peepz xoxoxoxoxooxox

Damn you mind

Not being able to get something out of your mind, and its starting to turn into paranoia and jealousy and worry... ffs :(

Jealousy and over thinking things... Not a good combo

I hate myself for constantly being paranoid/worrying/being jealous/lying ect. What a horrible person I am.

All time low

Can't believe I just lied to you! Now your going to be disappointed in me for 2 things :/

Paranoia paranoia paranoia

Its fucking with my brain! Leave me alone :( I hope its not right and my brain is tricking me.

:D

Happy happy happy!

Fuck life

Feeling so shit but darent tell anyone but then feeling like no body cares. I hate myself :( please just hug me and make me feel better... Ok I shoulda known you wouldn't want to :/

:'(

:'( I'm fat and ugly and going to be forever alone

Gduxfhhvgggh

I'm a Fat ugly vile greedy disgusting horrible hypocritical desperate piggy boring piece of shit!

Ffs

:'( hopefully speaking to georgia will make me feel better

:/

Jealousy sucks.

Bored

I'm honestly so bored right now, I just can't be arsed doing anything because it bores me and its too early to go to sleep! Argh what to do. Oh yeah and I have a cold and cannot really breathe through my nose, marvellous marvellous marvellous. I'm going to probably just lay in bed doing buggar all until I fall asleep.  night io xoxoxo

Grr

Hate it when people copy me! Grr.on plus side paul doesn't hate me and I haven't binged!

Acceptance

I'm just having to accept that I'm ugly and fat and lazy, boring, annoying, vile, awkward, obsessive, forever alone.
Marvellous feeling, not!

Lonely

I'm mr lonely, I have nobody, I'm all on my own , owwwwwwn! My feelings/thoughts recently :(

:/

I'm going to get obsessed again. Oh and I'm jealous... Yay. Oh plus paul hares me AND I binged and purged yesterday. Fuck my life!

Need to be healthier

Update

So I failed last night and ate too much then I had to purge. But, today I've re joined recovery record and I'm going to start a fresh healthy life style ( seen as though I can't restrict/loose weight :( ) wish me luck, I'll need it!

Big step

Going to make a big step tonight...

Oops

I'm becoming a bit obsessed with justin bieber :( oh well he's hot and id love to be serenaded by him

Im officially the fattest girl going

I HATE YOU

BULIMIA YOU EVIL FUCKER. I HATE YOU!
YOU MAKE ME A VILE PERSON, YOU MAKE ME LIE, YOU STEAL MY MONEY AND BASICALLY FLUSH IT DOWN THE FUCKING TOILET.
YOU MAKE ME SO EMBARESSED AND WORSE OF ALL YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FAT.
THE FUCKING WORST THING IS THAT YOU DONT LET GO AT ALL, YOU'RE SO ADDICTIVE AND I HATE YOU. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE MY LIFE, BRING ME ANA  BACK OR EVEN BETTER NO ED WHATSOEVER.

your making me fat again, i cant deal with gaining all this weight AGAIN. last year is just repeating itself and i cant seem to stop it :'(

Merh

I'm fed up of everyone knowing my business :( its just holding me back

Tomorrow

Finished all my exams tomorrow afternoon! I should be revising for it but I'm going to sleep I'm excited about tomorrow though... I can start exercising more :D

Selfish

I'm so selfish I just think about myself and no-one else. Things I need to change.

Js jhfggg

I'm such an ugly vile disgusting fat thick dumb desperate cunt!

Not binged but not restricted, I feel kinda annoyed but kinda happy. I'm going to sleep and see hoe I feel then. Night xo

Feeling happy :)

Swam for 30 minutes :) hopefully il continue to exercise and eat healthily

New plan

Going back to priory method and having 5 little meals a day and a small piece of chocolate, plus in my supervision it'll make me revise and exercise more :p hopefully this will cure binges! Fingers crossed peeps! Xo

oh on a plus point...

i cant be arsed with lads any more, ive just accepted the fact that im going to be forever alone...
OH WELL, i can just focus on being healthier and hopefully happier when im a lighter better me!
lalalalallalalalla

Yesterday and today

Yesterday was good! i went to work and hardly ate a thing which is such a shock and im so proud of myself. Maybe im learning how to gain control at work because after this weekend ive realised how much ive let myself go and how much i need to loose at least half a stone just to look better!
But today i had to go and FUCK IT UP by fucking BINGING on chocolate and a packet of crisps and chocolate spread! merhieurhsjfd.
I cannot wait for my exams to be over and done with so i can start exercising more and focus on loosing some weight and looking nicer, also im trying to actually make an effort and look better for everyone else because im just a fat ugly mess and who on earth deserves to see such a disgrace like me! i am also doing this for myself so that i feel better.

Going to try and cut down on food, and swap shitty food for healthy food! yayayay - any tips are HIGHLY WELCOME!

Flash back

Just smelt what it smelt like in the priory and I feel like shit now

Fucking ed

.I wish that my ed didnt make me feel so guilty when I've eaten and doesn't let me know that my portions are too big at the time. I feel so fat and cant wait to join gym and loose some weight

:(

Just had a creamy cooler from costa and feel so fat and need to purge but I can't because I'm stuck on the coach :'(

Yay!

I hardly ate anything today at work! Eeeeep.

:/

Ffs your replacing me and moving onto a better life :( why can't I not be worth a piece of shit for once in my life?

:)

So far I'm smiley because I've been healthy today, had a lovely day with georgia and going to not eat loads at work

Tomorrow

Ill meet georgia, be in a happy mood, go to work without eating shit, and ill exercise/revise In an amongst. Positive thinking!

Nervous

Having a meal with kennedy today, I'm scared because I've never eaten in front of her and she'll think I'm a fat bitch :/ but hopefully we'll have a good catch up

:(

I'm going to get sacked

Ksicfu

I am so fat! :( just eaten loads today

Oh no...

Its starting again, I'm getting more and more conscious of my fat and its horrible. I wish I could cry my pathetic heart out. Hopefully ill start restricting again and loose weight.

Past

I wish I would stop living in the past, it keeps biting me on the arse because the reality that people change and move on upsets me deeply. I have to learn to look for the future... Maybe then ill fully recover and be happy and maybe even meet someone ( most likely not meeting someone as I'm an ugly munter :'( )

I'm wishing you'll ring me. Desperately!

:(

He looks so hot and its upsetting because he hates me

Start again... AGAIN

Im forcing myself to eat less and exercise more! I can't keep gaining weight I just cant :'(

Fucking stupid bitch.

I'm starting a new life starting tomorrow. I'm not going to binge. Im going to focus on exercise, not cutting, work, and exams and hopefully should be happier.

Shaking...

New start

I'm In need of a fresh start. My head is currently fucked and I just need clarity in my life.

Food

Binge binge fucking binge its all I do :( I hate myself why do my binges have to be so fucking big no wonder im fat :(

Stupid bitch

Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch Stupid bitch. Have you gathered that I am a Stupid bitch yet?

Merh

I'm happy your happy but I'm extremelly jealous of your attention your getting from the boy you like. Makes me feel even uglier and fatter and more inadequate.

..

I need to STOP eating so much shit

Idek

I dont even know why I get my hopes up anymore

Feelings

Embarrassed, silly, vulnerable, disheartened, disappointed, idiot, ugly, fat... All of those feelings from one thing!

Wowza

So that was an interesting convo, left me confused though...

:l

I fucking knew this would happen.

I need to fucking purge :(

In the past 2 days I've eaten a tub of ben and jerries :( I'm so fat

Canny sleep

...

Reading previous blogs I sound really desperate, I'm not, I just want to feel loved for once.

Lonely

I'm lonely and I'm fed up of it. I just want to be loved. To have a boy to love and be able to have sex with and kiss and tell my every thought. I'm fed up of feeling ugly and unloved.

Summer

I want a summer romance with a boy.
Who am I kidding I'm an ugly boring fat munter

I need to loose weight! I'm so fat! :(

U P D A T E

so thats is... my exams are all OVER AND DONE WITH! :D
well, for this week anyway.
i have totally failed all of my exams, im just utterly shit :'( waaah
SO IVE COME TO A DECISION;
i'm going to start revising more, eating less and exercising more which will result in loosing weight AND better grades... ye-uh!

EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS

ERUGUROSIAHJKNGFREOUINMKJGV.
exams are doing my fucking nut in!i apsolutely cannot wait for the end of june to come so i dont have exams for a few months!
ive done 2 so far out of 8.
got a mock english exam tommorow but i honestly just dont give two about that, so im going to just relax at home ( even though i should be exercising because im a fatso!).

Thin

I want to be thin, I want to be perfect, I want to be dainty, I want to be skinny, I want you to be worried about me, I want to self control back, I want to loose weight. I want to be ILL!

:@

Bitch please you dont know the meaning of depressed

Feeling huge beyond belief.

I'm so fat I need to loose weight but I can't stop eating