teenage crushes!

why would i even consider a guy like him would even in the slightest have any interest towards me as i do him!
i mean.. i'm fat, have an awful personality, very very ugly, very bitchy, have lots of bagage, have lots of 'beef' between me and his cousin.

and he's gotten a bubbly personality, isn't at all ugly, can be so so loving, is a great friend, and doesn't have ANY baggage whatsoever! i bet he literally has girls crawling after him!

i think i should just totally give up, i've already made a tit of myself enough...

the biggest binge i've ever had... what a fucking failure i am.

i literally dispise myself at the moment, even more so then i normally do...
i'm already eating far far far far far too much food at the moment [ i'm only doing so so that i am able to go on my skiing trip on january 21st 2011 - four hours a day of skiing and my own control of food.. i'm BOUND to loose weight! ]

yesterday i had the biggest binge that i have ever possibly had in my whole entire life. 
i feel so fucking awful it's unbelieveable.. i almost OD'd or self harmed last night but then i thought i want to go skiing and plus i want to achieve something before i do die [ preferablly achieving thinness! =D ]

so basically.. each day i have to eat...
Breakfast: 22g cereal,3 mini scotch pancakes,200ml orange juice ,285 ml milk! :'(( about 500kcals !
Morning snack: melon or a piece of fruit  can vary between like 10 kcals to 55kcals.
Dinner: A sandwich and yoghurt with 200ml of orange juice about 425 kcals
Afternoon snack: Packet of crisps :'(((  85 kcals - 90 kcals
Tea: A Tea with a pudding of some sort [ KILL ME NOW!] about 450-500kcals
Supper: 285mls milk + 2 malted milk biscuits 250 kcals.
IN TOTAL I HAVE ABOUT 1735 kcals PER FUCKING DAY!

and last night i had extra... lots of sweets, half a box of thorntons moments chocolates
2 strawbery angel cakes bars, a brownie bar, chocolate spread AND lemon curd!

 Which would of added like 2000-3000 kcals ONTOP of what i normally have.
i am a stupid fucking fat worthless ugly obese greedy lazy sloth of a cunt. and i deserve to die!