Ive felt shit for a long time now.
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.

The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.

My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.

Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.

I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.

Life is hard, is it even worth it?

Feel like giving up

I'm stuck back in the binge purge cycle again

My grades are barely improving

My mood is all over the place

Is this really worth it all? 

Should I just give up?