Fat

Please don't tell me I'm not fat because I am. I'm the heightest weight I've EVER been, I'm nearly in the fucking overweight BMI. I'm not curvy and I don't have a nice figure... I'm FAT... F A T. My legs are huge and my bum is saggy, my tummy sticks out so much it looks like I'm newly pregnant, my arms just wobble all the time and I have about 10 chins. Please don't try reassure me that I'm not fat because even if In your eyes I'm not fat, in my eyes I am and I can only see myself through my eyes so yes I Am fat.

I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.

The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.

EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.

Lonely

I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Even if it's just a quick "hello how was your day?" And that's that. It's just nice to have someone actually want to speak to you and them texting you just proves that. I don't even necessarily mean having someone to speak to everyday in a romantic way (although that would be nice haha), but even just having a friend who you regularly chat to.

I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.

Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know?  It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.

So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂