Confused is an understatement

Well exam season has well and truly begun! My anxieties arent no where near as high as i expected them to be!! But tbh i think i've given up the hope of even achieving good grades this year. I know i'm stupid and i didnt put as much effort as i should of done because im lazy, so im the one going to pay the price :l

I have a backup plan, if my grades are incredibly shocking this year, i shall drop out of greenhead college, go get a job signing and then start an access course so i can still go to uni to do my mental health nursing degree!! But obviously i'm hoping for good enough grades so i can continue at college where all of my friends are.

Time for my mood now... its kind of stuck in unknown land. I'm not happy, i'm not depressed, i'm kind of nothing. Its weird explaining it, i went from being quite depressed to this nothingness again. I just dont really care about anything that much anymore. I do care obviously, but the only conclusion i can come to is that i've given up trying.

ED wise. People tell me i'm poorly, but i don't see it! I still eat, but every time i have ate in these past few weeks, its made me feel physically sick! I eat in front of my friends - still have high anxiety and paranoia and i tend to purge it but i still eat in front of them. And i eat loads of junk food. I'm still purging but i dont think thats really a problem because i dont do it religiously after every time i eat?! I still have shitty self esteem and bad body image but tbh i think that's always going to be the case.

I've been told by my step dad " you care about others too much and ALWAYS put others before yourself, you need to have a 'fuck you' attitude and start putting yourself first sometimes. People use you for your kindness, you need to start to be a little bit selfish and deal with your own mess first before helping others out with their mess". I didnt know how to respond to that at all. I mean i agree with it but then i disagree with it also. I know i never put myself first.. but i dont think i deserve to be put first, plus no one else has ever put me first.. i've always been 2nd best. Yes i do jump to help other people, but thats just because i know what it feels like to feel alone and i dont want ANYONE to feel that way! But i dont think i have a mess to sort out, i know i have these issues but im managing in the real world so i dont feel its important?!

Golly gosh all of these confusions! Does life get less confusing? I hope so

Tired

I can still laugh and smile but i just feel shit.
I'm tired of all of this shit, im tired of being me. I wish i could be someone else because i just seem to be stuck in my ways.
I cant even express my feelings anymore, i just know that i arent happy at all and havent been for so so so long.
My family are saying i'm poorly again but i dont see it?! I'm just this fat lump who eats far too much i'm definitely not poorly.

I really wish right now i could either fast forward my life to when i have a partner and kids, or that my life would of never even begun.

fed up and hold no hope

I'm fed up of college - the constant thoughts and worries about how im failing, how i'm stupid, how everyone laughs at me, how i'm the ugliest girl there and they all judge me, how if i fuck this year up then its going to hold back my future, how i'm letting my teachers down because i'm going to get shit grades.

I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.

I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.

I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.

I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.

I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.