I've had a really rough few weeks. I had a relapse into anorexia which lasted almost a month (not a lot I know) but I ended up losing 3kg roughly which I was happy about. But then someone made me have something chocolaty and now its started the b/p cycle again. I sound such a horrible person because both illnesses are horrific, but I wish I was suffering with anorexic tendencies rather than bulimic tendencies.
My dad was very poorly and got badly burnt on his face from the bonfire - this didn't help my fear of fire and I was a complete wreck. Luckily he's on the mend and feeling much much better, which is brilliant coz idk what i'd do without my dad.
I've been missing fucking dickhead again like a lot. It frustrates me that I miss him when he was a complete tool, im still welling things over in my head whether to try stay in contact with him or just forever leave him out of my life. My family despise him and tbh I don't blame them, they're the ones that had to pick up the pieces when I fell apart so many times because of him.
I just really want to be able to curl up in a ball with a quilt and a hot chocolate/cup of tea and just let the feelings suffocate me and consume me, its a horrible feeling but it also makes me feel safe aswell, but if I ever do this my mum and I end up in a big argument. She doesn't really realize how hard it is to actually face each day, the anxiety of meeting/seeing other people, the paranoia, actually having to face food and trying to convince yourself to not purge/binge, to have to actually deal with things is really hard sometimes.
On a brighter note, I have a new job which i'm really enjoying! All the people I work with are lovely and there are some good looking lads who work there aswell which is nice for the eyes ;) On a serious note I do really enjoy it because everyone is older than me and I get along with people who are older much better.
To sum up, i'm still stuck with ED tendencies but trying to lose weight, my dad was really poorly but is so much better now, i'm a dickhead who cares too much about others, I need to feel safe again, I have a new job which I so far really enjoy and i'm still fat and ugly.
Have a good weekend xxx
