What it feels like to have bulimia/bulimic tendencies.

I have come so far yet not far at all in recovery.
I started off anorexic (restrictive type), and then developed into anorexia (binge purge sub-type) and now then i became bulimic.

My official diagnosis is anorexia with binge purge tendencies, but i have done plenty of research and i know that my thoughts and behaviours are bulimic.

When i was in my very dark dark place when i developed anorexia binge purge sub-type/bulimia, i cannot fathom how exhausting it was! Every waking moment i was thinking about food, what food to eat next, where could i buy it from, how much would it cost, where could i hide it in the house so that my mum didn't find it, which shop did i last go to (because i didn't want to buy all binge food from one shop as i didn't want them to think "what a fat cow!"or to figure out what was happening). My whole world revolved around food, it still does. Every thought that i thought about would link back to food. "What time is it? Only 20 minutes until i can go to the shop and buy binge food","I should go walk the dogs, that way i can buy binge food on my walk with the dogs and can hide the wrappers on the walk". Even my dreams revolved around food. You do not understand how frustrating and draining it is to not be able to concentrate on anything but FOOD, I felt very self evolved, i couldn't really be there for my friends and family because my mind was far too consumed/preoccupied with bulimia. It's a miracle how i managed to get GCSE's and pass my BSL level 1,2,3. I became very deceitful, sneaky, sly, would lie constantly to try and cover my tracks. I was not me, i was my eating disorder but that had the physical appearance of 'Hayley'.

I don't know if this is what addiction feels like, but i feel like i was and still am addicted to food. Whether that was, what food can i get down me that is quick as possible to eat and is easy to hide and dispose of, or it was.. how can i get rid of the food i have just eaten, where can i go to buy more food, i hope they don't make me eat that, how many calories was in that etc. My life was utterly a consumption of food. I went from one extreme to the other... wanting to restrict, wanting to binge. My eating disorder was very irrational; if i had a meal that made me full, it would trigger off a binge as i felt guilty for feeling full. If i was starving hungry, i felt proud and accomplished as it meant i finally had some willpower. It's very hard to describe what it feels like to have these disorders. The best way i can describe it is that its like a demon has possessed my body, and its sole purpose is to make me eat until my insides explode, in the shortest amount of time possible... then to get rid of it all and repeat. When i'm binging, it is not Hayley that is in control, it is my eating disorder. I've had binges that have lasted for several months.

I have only gotten out of the binge purge cycle about 3/4 times in the past 4 years. When i am out of the binge purge cycle, i tend to return to my restrictive behaviours. I look healthy, i try to act like i don't have an eating disorder.I pretend to be 'normal', and i will force myself to eat in front of people. However I am far from normal. Every piece of food i eat, i have to have the battle of whether or not to purge it. My main motivation of not purging is that i don't want to waste my mums money, and i don't want to disappoint her. I do not care about all the problems that purging will be doing to my insides, i don't like being a burden. I want to make everyone happy... that's always been one of my problems. So for example, i try not to purge food that others have bought for me, but if it is my own money i would purge it all without a spec of guilt on my conscience. I know that i am a 'healthy weight', to me i feel obese. The numbers on the scale upset me, the BMI i am upsets me. I have no self esteem. I am very good at pretending that i'm something that i'm not. When i'm suicidal, i bet you wouldn't be able to tell as ill still smile and laugh and joke. Eating disorders are not taken note of until they manifest into a noticeable physical state. Hence why no one believes that i am poorly.

I am trying to piece my life back together, i force myself to do normal things... go drinking, have takeaways, go for meals out. All of those things provoke my anxiety. I'm not sure if i ever will be fully recovered from my eating disorder behaviours. My medication helps me, it makes my suicidal thoughts lessen and i can kind of 'brush off' the negative thoughts so that they don't show on my face that i'm struggling. Every so often they will get too much and i will crumble. I require a lot of reassurance and lots of cuddles. I'm a very complex individual who will drive you absolutely up the wall.

I have to try and remind myself that i am not my eating disorders, i have eating disorders but i am me... i am Hayley. I'm trying to make it so that Hayley is in control and not my eating disorders. I am like a mosaic, i am shattered but i'm trying to make beauty in all those shattered pieces, every now and again i shatter even more... its an endless cycle that i'm learning to accept. Even if i don't find the beauty in the pieces of me, i know deep down that someone else appreciates me, i just have to remind myself of that sometimes.

Crazy

This is one of the first times in my life that i am reaching out for help.

I know i'm bad again (my depression, not really my eating disorder). I haven't had these "semi-suicidal" thoughts - yeah that's what i call them for some reason- in a long time.
I'll expand on what i mean by "semi-suicidal" thoughts...
-I do not want to be alive - at all!
-I wish that i was dead
-I have thoughts such as "what if i just stepped out into a busy street, then it would be all over with","what if i bought 100 pills and swallowed them all", "what if i just sped up really quick and then crashed into a wall".
I'm not necessarily saying i'm going to kill myself, because i'm not going to. I'm just looking for an escape out of my head, and just having these thoughts is like a back up of well that i could put an end to it all.

I am so grateful for my friends and family, my friends put up with me sobbing on them for what seemed like an eternity, my family have been really supportive as they can tell that i'm really down again. They're the only reason why i am sticking around right now. Despite my love for them, it doesn't make me feel less like i want to die, i still do want to die, but my love for them is what is stopping me acting upon these feelings.

After a long discussion with my auntie (who has mental health issues and is also a mental health nurse), she has convinced me to go speak to my GP and express how i feel. Since august 2014 i have had no support... no therapy, no medication reviews, no just general meetings with any specialist apart from my GP (who i only saw once). I've basically been battling it out on my own. I don't know what to expect from my GP appointment, i don't really know what to say to him, apart from "please help me i don't know what to do". I'm scared if i tell him about my "semi-suicidal" thoughts that he will refer me straight away for therapy again or send me away. I doubt they would send me inpatient but it is still a worry in my mind. I don't want my meds upping but tbh i think that is my only option right now, either that or to go onto new meds or stronger meds, I don't want councilling, i really dont. I don't know what i want i just don't know how to function at the moment.

I've been let down so many times, people have proven to me why i can't trust people and its shit. It makes me doubt making new relationships with people and makes me not want to talk to anyone about all my problems. Yes i have people that i trust, but only with certain things, i do not trust anyone 100%... not even my own mother. That sounds horrible but how can i trust someone 100% when i can't even trust myself fully.

I want my old body back. I want to be ideally 10kg lighter again, i want to have a thigh gap, i want small arms, no chubby cheeks, a flat tummy, be able to see my ribs and hip bones and collar bones. I know its a horrible thing to wish for but i do want that again. It kills me being this heavy, but i know it'd kill my family seeing me relapse into anorexia again. My bulimia is too strong at the moment for that to happen, i'm constantly just eating something and then purging, eating then purging. Its not necessarily a binge, it may just be like i eat 3 biscuits then purge, eat a yoghurt then purge etc. But it makes me feel out of control and like i can't stop eating. I'm tempted to join a gym and my mum said she'd be okay with that, but i think that would result in me relapsing into anorexia again.

Life is so complicated at the moment and i don't know what to do.

Life is shit

Im in a pit of depression again.
I'm fat, i've gained all the weight i lost again. I seem to constantly eat, and its not good food i'm eating, its complete shit that i'm eating. I feel out of control in my food sense, and my whole life.

I'm pretty certain i'm doing shit in college, i just don't have the motivation to start doing my work so i leave it last minute and then panic. I'm doing shit at signing, i just have lost my skill and i'm panicking that i'm losing my ability to sign and that i'm going to waste all this money because i'm going to fail my level 6 course. I'm a dissapointment to every one and i'm going to let everyone down.

My mind is a total fucking dark place to be. Being ignored for 2 weeks without any reasoning, just randomly stopped talking to me has totally fucked with my head. Have i done anything wrong? Have you lost interest? Why are you not speaking with me? Are you seeing someone else? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. I hate being ignored, my brain cannot function with it. Being ignored makes you realize how much a person means to you. I hope to god he has a legitimate reason for why he's ignoring me because i cannot think of anything going wrong the last time i saw him.

I hate myself, i don't want to leave my bedroom, i just want to lay in the darkness and let it smother me. I hate going to college, i don't want to go out with my friends even though i love them to pieces, i just really hate facing the rest of the world. I have to put a brave face on for everyone else so that i seem happy. Yes i do laugh and smile sometimes but inside i feel like utter shit. I need the biggest hug going but i need to be left COMPLETELY alone.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Help.