I've had a really rough few weeks. I had a relapse into anorexia which lasted almost a month (not a lot I know) but I ended up losing 3kg roughly which I was happy about. But then someone made me have something chocolaty and now its started the b/p cycle again. I sound such a horrible person because both illnesses are horrific, but I wish I was suffering with anorexic tendencies rather than bulimic tendencies.
My dad was very poorly and got badly burnt on his face from the bonfire - this didn't help my fear of fire and I was a complete wreck. Luckily he's on the mend and feeling much much better, which is brilliant coz idk what i'd do without my dad.
I've been missing fucking dickhead again like a lot. It frustrates me that I miss him when he was a complete tool, im still welling things over in my head whether to try stay in contact with him or just forever leave him out of my life. My family despise him and tbh I don't blame them, they're the ones that had to pick up the pieces when I fell apart so many times because of him.
I just really want to be able to curl up in a ball with a quilt and a hot chocolate/cup of tea and just let the feelings suffocate me and consume me, its a horrible feeling but it also makes me feel safe aswell, but if I ever do this my mum and I end up in a big argument. She doesn't really realize how hard it is to actually face each day, the anxiety of meeting/seeing other people, the paranoia, actually having to face food and trying to convince yourself to not purge/binge, to have to actually deal with things is really hard sometimes.
On a brighter note, I have a new job which i'm really enjoying! All the people I work with are lovely and there are some good looking lads who work there aswell which is nice for the eyes ;) On a serious note I do really enjoy it because everyone is older than me and I get along with people who are older much better.
To sum up, i'm still stuck with ED tendencies but trying to lose weight, my dad was really poorly but is so much better now, i'm a dickhead who cares too much about others, I need to feel safe again, I have a new job which I so far really enjoy and i'm still fat and ugly.
Have a good weekend xxx
Friday 21 November 2014
Thursday 23 October 2014
Fat
Please don't tell me I'm not fat because I am. I'm the heightest weight I've EVER been, I'm nearly in the fucking overweight BMI. I'm not curvy and I don't have a nice figure... I'm FAT... F A T. My legs are huge and my bum is saggy, my tummy sticks out so much it looks like I'm newly pregnant, my arms just wobble all the time and I have about 10 chins. Please don't try reassure me that I'm not fat because even if In your eyes I'm not fat, in my eyes I am and I can only see myself through my eyes so yes I Am fat.
I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.
The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.
EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.
I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.
The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.
EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.
Wednesday 8 October 2014
Lonely
I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Even if it's just a quick "hello how was your day?" And that's that. It's just nice to have someone actually want to speak to you and them texting you just proves that. I don't even necessarily mean having someone to speak to everyday in a romantic way (although that would be nice haha), but even just having a friend who you regularly chat to.
I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.
Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know? It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.
So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂
I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.
Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know? It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.
So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂
Tuesday 30 September 2014
Life
I don't really remember the last time i posted on here so im back!
Life's very confusing. I was for weeks in a bad BAD spell of bulimia but i think im getting out of that cycle slowly, i mean i havent purged a lot these past few days which is really good- but i weighed myself and i wanted to cry. I'm so afraid of asking for help because i know they'd laugh at me and be like you're too fat to have an eating disorder. I dont know if i want help or not, i just want to be skinny again.
I found out from my mum that i was nearly put back into inpatient unit 4 times after i was discharged from the priory.. WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING GO BACK IN AND GET THIS SHIT SORTED! If i could turn back time then i would of gone back inpatient because it might of sorted me out and not left me in limbo land like i am now. *sigh*
this literally describes how i am feeling.
In other news, the person who caused a lot of upset in my life came back in contact with me and apologized. I think his apologies were actually sincere but i didn't accept him back into my life because i always end up so upset when things didn't work out between us and i cant put myself through it again. Plus he did get like 3 chances from me and fucked them all up and i can't keep offering him chances. It just sucks because i wish things had never gone wrong the first time. I still really care about him but i have to move on with my own life.
I just never have any luck with boys hahahaha. Ill just be forever forcing my dogs to cuddle me because i get no one else to cuddle. I wish i did have someone because it'd be nice to just know you have someone there who cares about you and likes you and wants to be a part of your life for the good and bad! But i don't expect that to happen to me any time soon.
I'm just going to go to sleep as i normally do because that's the only solution to my problems!
Life's very confusing. I was for weeks in a bad BAD spell of bulimia but i think im getting out of that cycle slowly, i mean i havent purged a lot these past few days which is really good- but i weighed myself and i wanted to cry. I'm so afraid of asking for help because i know they'd laugh at me and be like you're too fat to have an eating disorder. I dont know if i want help or not, i just want to be skinny again.
I found out from my mum that i was nearly put back into inpatient unit 4 times after i was discharged from the priory.. WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING GO BACK IN AND GET THIS SHIT SORTED! If i could turn back time then i would of gone back inpatient because it might of sorted me out and not left me in limbo land like i am now. *sigh*
this literally describes how i am feeling.In other news, the person who caused a lot of upset in my life came back in contact with me and apologized. I think his apologies were actually sincere but i didn't accept him back into my life because i always end up so upset when things didn't work out between us and i cant put myself through it again. Plus he did get like 3 chances from me and fucked them all up and i can't keep offering him chances. It just sucks because i wish things had never gone wrong the first time. I still really care about him but i have to move on with my own life.
I just never have any luck with boys hahahaha. Ill just be forever forcing my dogs to cuddle me because i get no one else to cuddle. I wish i did have someone because it'd be nice to just know you have someone there who cares about you and likes you and wants to be a part of your life for the good and bad! But i don't expect that to happen to me any time soon.
I'm just going to go to sleep as i normally do because that's the only solution to my problems!
Thursday 11 September 2014
Rant
I've been stuck in this cycle for 3 and a half years now. I have times where i think im getting better but then i have a massive relapse.
I haven't been diagnosed, but i have all of the symptoms of a bulimic and i am 99.9% certain that i am bulimic. I go through phases of binge and purge and sometimes its ridiculously bad, and other times it isnt that bad. I'm truly ashamed of my illness... i hide any evidence that im stuck in this horrible cycle and yet i have been caught out several times.
Its embarrassing to think of how much i eat in a binge... how fast i eat it, what it actually is that im eating. I'm aware that i'm bingeing but i just zone out. Its like a possessed person who has been starved for weeks enters my body and rushed to grab ANYTHING to eat that's in sight. And then i realise how bad I've got and i run to the bathroom and puke it up. I've never used laxatives, its always just been purging.
Its so bad that i actually self taught myself how to purge without any help - and by help i mean i don't have to shove fingers/toothbrush down my throat or drink salty water or whatever. I'm so used to being sick now that it doesn't even feel horrible to me anymore. I now enjoy being sick because its like a relief once its out of my system. I know being sick doesn't work though because in the past three years I've gained over 30lbs, and its truly such a horrible feeling and sight.
I'm more ashamed of the fact that in a binge i eat so much.. rather than the fact that im sick. Im ashamed that i've probably wasted hundreds of pounds on binge food/my familys food by just eating it in a big binge and not enjoying it and then purging it.
I do sometimes cut back and start the restricting cycle again, and i think that if i did live on my own i would just restrict binge purge restrict binge purge restrict binge purge. But restricting at home is basically impossible seen as though my family force me to eat 3 meals a day and supervise me for them.
I am very open about my eating disorder to people, well about my anorexia.. but i'm so ashamed of admitting my bulimia. It's sick that i'd rather have anorexia than bulimia when really i should wish to not have either because they are both horrible illnesses.
I know that i'm poorly with bulimia and im stuck... im so so so stuck and i dont know how to stop it and i know that if i cant get help from it that it will kill me later on in life. But actually going and asking for help and admitting to a professional how severe it gets, its ridiculously hard for me to do and im so scared of getting turned down because i don't 'look ill' because im fat.
I so desperately want to have a normal life and i'm scared that if i ask for help and admit how severe i get, that if i did end up in inpatient that it would fuck my whole life up.
Theres never a right time to go into hospital, but right now is really not the right time and i dont want to go back, i want to beat this on my own but its so damn hard you dont understand.
No one knows the extent of my illness because i keep 90% of it a secret, i would keep it all a secret but i get caught 10% of the time.
Eating disorders are not glamorous.. and i wish that i could go back to when i was 12 and stop myself from going down this path. I'm going to be stuck with this for life and its really really hard to fight it.
I haven't been diagnosed, but i have all of the symptoms of a bulimic and i am 99.9% certain that i am bulimic. I go through phases of binge and purge and sometimes its ridiculously bad, and other times it isnt that bad. I'm truly ashamed of my illness... i hide any evidence that im stuck in this horrible cycle and yet i have been caught out several times.
Its embarrassing to think of how much i eat in a binge... how fast i eat it, what it actually is that im eating. I'm aware that i'm bingeing but i just zone out. Its like a possessed person who has been starved for weeks enters my body and rushed to grab ANYTHING to eat that's in sight. And then i realise how bad I've got and i run to the bathroom and puke it up. I've never used laxatives, its always just been purging.
Its so bad that i actually self taught myself how to purge without any help - and by help i mean i don't have to shove fingers/toothbrush down my throat or drink salty water or whatever. I'm so used to being sick now that it doesn't even feel horrible to me anymore. I now enjoy being sick because its like a relief once its out of my system. I know being sick doesn't work though because in the past three years I've gained over 30lbs, and its truly such a horrible feeling and sight.
I'm more ashamed of the fact that in a binge i eat so much.. rather than the fact that im sick. Im ashamed that i've probably wasted hundreds of pounds on binge food/my familys food by just eating it in a big binge and not enjoying it and then purging it.
I do sometimes cut back and start the restricting cycle again, and i think that if i did live on my own i would just restrict binge purge restrict binge purge restrict binge purge. But restricting at home is basically impossible seen as though my family force me to eat 3 meals a day and supervise me for them.
I am very open about my eating disorder to people, well about my anorexia.. but i'm so ashamed of admitting my bulimia. It's sick that i'd rather have anorexia than bulimia when really i should wish to not have either because they are both horrible illnesses.
I know that i'm poorly with bulimia and im stuck... im so so so stuck and i dont know how to stop it and i know that if i cant get help from it that it will kill me later on in life. But actually going and asking for help and admitting to a professional how severe it gets, its ridiculously hard for me to do and im so scared of getting turned down because i don't 'look ill' because im fat.
I so desperately want to have a normal life and i'm scared that if i ask for help and admit how severe i get, that if i did end up in inpatient that it would fuck my whole life up.
Theres never a right time to go into hospital, but right now is really not the right time and i dont want to go back, i want to beat this on my own but its so damn hard you dont understand.
No one knows the extent of my illness because i keep 90% of it a secret, i would keep it all a secret but i get caught 10% of the time.
Eating disorders are not glamorous.. and i wish that i could go back to when i was 12 and stop myself from going down this path. I'm going to be stuck with this for life and its really really hard to fight it.
Sunday 31 August 2014
pros and cons
PROS-
*The guy who has caused me so much grief and upset i think is finally out of my life! ive just realised that even though i dont think im worth much, that i know that i deserve better than that and tbh even when i was hooking up with him or speaking to him.. i wasnt happy and i didnt trust him so what was the point of even staying in contact. I mean i still care for him and wish him happiness,i just dont want him in my life anymore.
*I've made a new friend who is lovely jubbly and thats very exciting and new to me!
*Im starting a new college and a new job which hopefully is a better choice than staying at gh because i hated it there.
CONS-
*Im fucking huge.. i mean huge, i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i just want to be back to like 10kg less than i am now, i would look so much better and feel so much better but im too fucking lazy and greedy to actually lose the weight.
*I'm stuck in quite bad binge purge cycles at the moment which is embaressing for me to admit to anyone but yeah i feel quite stuck
*I dont like my part time job i have atm anymore, ive been there 2 and a half years and im just fed up of the shitty customers and to be honest i dont fit in with any of the members of staff there.. the only way to describe it is like they're all the 'popular cool kids' who are all up to date and know eachother and go out all the time etc, then theres me the 'lame dorky fat weirdo' who doesnt have a lot of friends, knows no one and doesnt really have a social life.
So im pretty stuck between all these sorts of feelings- as per usual haha.
*The guy who has caused me so much grief and upset i think is finally out of my life! ive just realised that even though i dont think im worth much, that i know that i deserve better than that and tbh even when i was hooking up with him or speaking to him.. i wasnt happy and i didnt trust him so what was the point of even staying in contact. I mean i still care for him and wish him happiness,i just dont want him in my life anymore.
*I've made a new friend who is lovely jubbly and thats very exciting and new to me!
*Im starting a new college and a new job which hopefully is a better choice than staying at gh because i hated it there.
CONS-
*Im fucking huge.. i mean huge, i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i just want to be back to like 10kg less than i am now, i would look so much better and feel so much better but im too fucking lazy and greedy to actually lose the weight.
*I'm stuck in quite bad binge purge cycles at the moment which is embaressing for me to admit to anyone but yeah i feel quite stuck
*I dont like my part time job i have atm anymore, ive been there 2 and a half years and im just fed up of the shitty customers and to be honest i dont fit in with any of the members of staff there.. the only way to describe it is like they're all the 'popular cool kids' who are all up to date and know eachother and go out all the time etc, then theres me the 'lame dorky fat weirdo' who doesnt have a lot of friends, knows no one and doesnt really have a social life.
So im pretty stuck between all these sorts of feelings- as per usual haha.
Saturday 9 August 2014
Sigh
Yet again i don't have a fucking clue about my life.
I am not consistent at all! My mood literally changes drastically in 1 second.. I don't know if that's because of my medicines or not as I've missed my medicines. I think I'm slowly accepting that I need medicine to survive.
Looking back on my ed, I've come so far yet not far at all... I'll explain. I don't restrict anymore and I don't always count calories (which is a big achievement as I couldn't survive without counting every single calorie) I can eat out in public more (even though I still have high anxiety and mainly end up purging what I've had). However it is basically not much better as I hate my body and want to lose weight desperately, I binge and purge so often and I purge still even when I haven't binged. People do not think Ill because I'm a healthy weight. I also have anxiety which is not very nice and still have depression.
I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone forever or that I'm just going to be treat pooey like I always have been by boys. I get far too attached to them which isn't good because I end up still caring for them and running back to them when I really shouldn't. I'm trying to just remember I have really good friends ATM and I shouldn't be focusing on not having someone. It would just be nice to have someone who likes me for me even though I don't like myself at all and someone who would treat me nicely and care for me. Sigh. If I stop looking maybe I'll find someone? If not I'll just cuddle my doggies because I know they love me .
Bla bla bla this post is pointless and repetitive as all my posts at but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell this stuff so I just vent on here and feel slightly relieved to get it off of my chest.
Hope you're having a lovely summer xxxxx
I am not consistent at all! My mood literally changes drastically in 1 second.. I don't know if that's because of my medicines or not as I've missed my medicines. I think I'm slowly accepting that I need medicine to survive.
Looking back on my ed, I've come so far yet not far at all... I'll explain. I don't restrict anymore and I don't always count calories (which is a big achievement as I couldn't survive without counting every single calorie) I can eat out in public more (even though I still have high anxiety and mainly end up purging what I've had). However it is basically not much better as I hate my body and want to lose weight desperately, I binge and purge so often and I purge still even when I haven't binged. People do not think Ill because I'm a healthy weight. I also have anxiety which is not very nice and still have depression.
I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone forever or that I'm just going to be treat pooey like I always have been by boys. I get far too attached to them which isn't good because I end up still caring for them and running back to them when I really shouldn't. I'm trying to just remember I have really good friends ATM and I shouldn't be focusing on not having someone. It would just be nice to have someone who likes me for me even though I don't like myself at all and someone who would treat me nicely and care for me. Sigh. If I stop looking maybe I'll find someone? If not I'll just cuddle my doggies because I know they love me .
Bla bla bla this post is pointless and repetitive as all my posts at but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell this stuff so I just vent on here and feel slightly relieved to get it off of my chest.
Hope you're having a lovely summer xxxxx
Friday 25 July 2014
Catchup
So this week has ended up being a good week!!!
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.
Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.
Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.
So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.
Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.
Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.
So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx
Thursday 17 July 2014
.
My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.
I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!
My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week, just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.
Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.
I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!
My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week, just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.
Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!
Friday 4 July 2014
Best of me- a day to remember
This is my song to you - it makes me sad but it perfectly describes everything ATM....
What'd you expect from me?
It's not my fault you'll never be happy.
Just cause you're right doesn't mean I'm wrong,
Our days were numbered and we knew it all along.
Can't you let things be?
Now all that's left is misunderstandings.
Spent my nights wishing I was gone.
My dad was right, we will never get along.
So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.
This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
Can't you act your age?
Is it that hard to say what you're thinking?
Lately my life's moving way too fast
You'd drag me down if I'd let you hold me back.
What a mess you've made,
And you hide from it at the bars you frequent.
Blamed myself avoiding time this cost,
But looking back you only learn from what you lost.
So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.
This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I will never be the one you want, no I will never be the one you want. (Oh-oh oh-oh)
Finally come to terms that I can't stop, no not this time. (Ye-yeah)
[x2]
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
Stretched myself out way too far,
Now I can see you for who you are.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe I trusted every word you said.
It's all finally making sense,
You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,
I can't believe you got the best of me.
I can't believe you got the best of me.
Sunday 29 June 2014
Love
Love isn't just in a romantic sense... Yes it is a huge part of what 'love' is associated with and yes it is a big part of what it is, I'm just saying that people fixate on he romantic sense of love rather than the other versions of it. There's the love of a mother and their child, the love of a programme, the love of an idol, the love of the family, the love of a friend.
The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.
He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.
Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.
I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.
So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx
The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.
He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.
Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.
I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.
So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx
Sunday 22 June 2014
I'm sorry
I feel so bad and I know I shouldn't but I do.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.
I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.
I'm so sorry, please stay strong.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.
I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.
I'm so sorry, please stay strong.
Monday 16 June 2014
Alone
I have always felt alone, even since being a little girl.
-At primary school i always used to watch my 'friends' play and just watch and guard all their coats whilst they had fun because i was too self conscious to join in with them.
-I had a really difficult time at high school and got bullied.
-At primary school i always used to watch my 'friends' play and just watch and guard all their coats whilst they had fun because i was too self conscious to join in with them.
-I had a really difficult time at high school and got bullied.
-I have never really had many friends, and theres only been one friend who has lasted for 5 years - the rest have not lasted that long and are history pretty much.
-I've never really had anyone to talk to everyday, no one really seems to 'get me'.. even though i try to make attempts to talk to people, it just doesnt really work so i get fed up and give up.
-I've only had 1 boyfriend and tbh it was hardly a relationship, we had nothing in common and i wasnt happy. So now i'm just scared of being forever alone
-I've only had 1 boyfriend and tbh it was hardly a relationship, we had nothing in common and i wasnt happy. So now i'm just scared of being forever alone
Yes i have my family and others that i do talk to, but no one really seems to understand fully what i'm feeling, i have people who feel and think very similar things to me, but i just dont know. I am in a room full of people and i just am trapped inside this body that i hate with thoughts that i cant control which hate me.
Yet another rambling that is very repetitive and boring... oh life.
Thursday 5 June 2014
*big sigh*
So an overview of my ed history.
At the age of 12 started restricting and overexercising
At the age of 13 was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa ( i hate that word its like venom in my mouth)
At the age of 13 i was put inpatient for my eating disorder
At the age of 13 was put on anti depressants
At the age of 14 was discharged from inpatient
At the age of 14 started binging and purging severely
At the age of 14 started self harming
At the age of 14 gained 10 kg
At the age of 14 was put on anti-psychotics
At the age of 15 lost 7 kg
At the age of 16 gained 13 kg
At the age of 17 lost 3 kg
At the age of 17 gained a further 5 kg.
Since the age of 14 i have been stuck in a binge purge cycle or a restricting cycle. At the moment im stuck in the binge purge cycle again but yet again am at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT! Literally i'm so so huge and it is really disgusting. I don't even know if i want to get better, i just want to stop this binging and purging because it only makes me gain weight and feel shitty.
I've never since the age of 12 been able to 'eat healthily' without restricting or binging and purging. I don't know if there is an end to this cycle which is flipping scary!
I'm fed up of being stuck, I've tried so many things to try eat 'normally' but i just cant seem to.
My plan is to stop b/p and to stop purging full stop. I don't know if that's realistic or not but i know i need to stop. I cannot deal with more weight gain and bloated-ness and spending all my money, all the embarrassment and sneaking around. I want to be in control of food, not continue with food being in control of me. I've said this so many times and im hoping one day i can stick to this.
I don't know what my plan is to do but i know something needs to change. Being stuck with disordered thoughts and food habits for 6 years isn't very nice at all.
At the age of 12 started restricting and overexercising
At the age of 13 was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa ( i hate that word its like venom in my mouth)
At the age of 13 i was put inpatient for my eating disorder
At the age of 13 was put on anti depressants
At the age of 14 was discharged from inpatient
At the age of 14 started binging and purging severely
At the age of 14 started self harming
At the age of 14 gained 10 kg
At the age of 14 was put on anti-psychotics
At the age of 15 lost 7 kg
At the age of 16 gained 13 kg
At the age of 17 lost 3 kg
At the age of 17 gained a further 5 kg.
Since the age of 14 i have been stuck in a binge purge cycle or a restricting cycle. At the moment im stuck in the binge purge cycle again but yet again am at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT! Literally i'm so so huge and it is really disgusting. I don't even know if i want to get better, i just want to stop this binging and purging because it only makes me gain weight and feel shitty.
I've never since the age of 12 been able to 'eat healthily' without restricting or binging and purging. I don't know if there is an end to this cycle which is flipping scary!
I'm fed up of being stuck, I've tried so many things to try eat 'normally' but i just cant seem to.
My plan is to stop b/p and to stop purging full stop. I don't know if that's realistic or not but i know i need to stop. I cannot deal with more weight gain and bloated-ness and spending all my money, all the embarrassment and sneaking around. I want to be in control of food, not continue with food being in control of me. I've said this so many times and im hoping one day i can stick to this.
I don't know what my plan is to do but i know something needs to change. Being stuck with disordered thoughts and food habits for 6 years isn't very nice at all.
Monday 19 May 2014
Confused is an understatement
Well exam season has well and truly begun! My anxieties arent no where near as high as i expected them to be!! But tbh i think i've given up the hope of even achieving good grades this year. I know i'm stupid and i didnt put as much effort as i should of done because im lazy, so im the one going to pay the price :l
I have a backup plan, if my grades are incredibly shocking this year, i shall drop out of greenhead college, go get a job signing and then start an access course so i can still go to uni to do my mental health nursing degree!! But obviously i'm hoping for good enough grades so i can continue at college where all of my friends are.
Time for my mood now... its kind of stuck in unknown land. I'm not happy, i'm not depressed, i'm kind of nothing. Its weird explaining it, i went from being quite depressed to this nothingness again. I just dont really care about anything that much anymore. I do care obviously, but the only conclusion i can come to is that i've given up trying.
I have a backup plan, if my grades are incredibly shocking this year, i shall drop out of greenhead college, go get a job signing and then start an access course so i can still go to uni to do my mental health nursing degree!! But obviously i'm hoping for good enough grades so i can continue at college where all of my friends are.
Time for my mood now... its kind of stuck in unknown land. I'm not happy, i'm not depressed, i'm kind of nothing. Its weird explaining it, i went from being quite depressed to this nothingness again. I just dont really care about anything that much anymore. I do care obviously, but the only conclusion i can come to is that i've given up trying.
ED wise. People tell me i'm poorly, but i don't see it! I still eat, but every time i have ate in these past few weeks, its made me feel physically sick! I eat in front of my friends - still have high anxiety and paranoia and i tend to purge it but i still eat in front of them. And i eat loads of junk food. I'm still purging but i dont think thats really a problem because i dont do it religiously after every time i eat?! I still have shitty self esteem and bad body image but tbh i think that's always going to be the case.
I've been told by my step dad " you care about others too much and ALWAYS put others before yourself, you need to have a 'fuck you' attitude and start putting yourself first sometimes. People use you for your kindness, you need to start to be a little bit selfish and deal with your own mess first before helping others out with their mess". I didnt know how to respond to that at all. I mean i agree with it but then i disagree with it also. I know i never put myself first.. but i dont think i deserve to be put first, plus no one else has ever put me first.. i've always been 2nd best. Yes i do jump to help other people, but thats just because i know what it feels like to feel alone and i dont want ANYONE to feel that way! But i dont think i have a mess to sort out, i know i have these issues but im managing in the real world so i dont feel its important?!
Golly gosh all of these confusions! Does life get less confusing? I hope so
Tuesday 6 May 2014
Tired
I can still laugh and smile but i just feel shit.
I'm tired of all of this shit, im tired of being me. I wish i could be someone else because i just seem to be stuck in my ways.
I cant even express my feelings anymore, i just know that i arent happy at all and havent been for so so so long.
My family are saying i'm poorly again but i dont see it?! I'm just this fat lump who eats far too much i'm definitely not poorly.
I really wish right now i could either fast forward my life to when i have a partner and kids, or that my life would of never even begun.
I'm tired of all of this shit, im tired of being me. I wish i could be someone else because i just seem to be stuck in my ways.
I cant even express my feelings anymore, i just know that i arent happy at all and havent been for so so so long.
My family are saying i'm poorly again but i dont see it?! I'm just this fat lump who eats far too much i'm definitely not poorly.
I really wish right now i could either fast forward my life to when i have a partner and kids, or that my life would of never even begun.
Thursday 1 May 2014
fed up and hold no hope
I'm fed up of college - the constant thoughts and worries about how im failing, how i'm stupid, how everyone laughs at me, how i'm the ugliest girl there and they all judge me, how if i fuck this year up then its going to hold back my future, how i'm letting my teachers down because i'm going to get shit grades.
I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.
I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.
I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.
I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.
I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.
I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.
I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.
I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.
I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.
I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.
Monday 21 April 2014
I don't even know
My sister is back home and it's killing me because I'm not able to be sick anymore coz she's ALWAYS FUCKING BY THE BATHROOM! I know it should be a good thing but that's my only control, I have no control of my food intake because I'm greedy and fat and don't say no, so my only way of making sure I didn't gain weight was by being sick.
I'm not proud of it, I wish more than anything I could eat little In moderation and not have to make myself sick but I'm not that strong ATM to be battling against my thoughts. I'm not struggling, I'm just fed up and scared .. So so scared of gaining more weight.
My focus ATM should be on revising, but I can't focus on it because all my thoughts are about food. I hate that the past 6 years my life has revolved around my food, my weight, how I look.
No I'm not struggling, I'm just fat and greedy and ugly and disgusting and I'm not doing anything about it to change.
I'm meant to be going on holiday with my friend and I need to lose weight in order to feel ok going on that holiday. Oh lord please can someone make my world not revolve around fucking food anymore.
Fed up, fat greedy and ugly... Oh please someone fix me.
I'm not proud of it, I wish more than anything I could eat little In moderation and not have to make myself sick but I'm not that strong ATM to be battling against my thoughts. I'm not struggling, I'm just fed up and scared .. So so scared of gaining more weight.
My focus ATM should be on revising, but I can't focus on it because all my thoughts are about food. I hate that the past 6 years my life has revolved around my food, my weight, how I look.
No I'm not struggling, I'm just fat and greedy and ugly and disgusting and I'm not doing anything about it to change.
I'm meant to be going on holiday with my friend and I need to lose weight in order to feel ok going on that holiday. Oh lord please can someone make my world not revolve around fucking food anymore.
Fed up, fat greedy and ugly... Oh please someone fix me.
Monday 14 April 2014
Control...
Yet another attempt at trying to relinquish control over my life.
-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.
I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.
So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).
I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.
This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?
P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.
Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.
All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!
Wish me luck.
-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.
I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.
So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).
I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.
This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?
P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.
Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.
All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!
Wish me luck.
Saturday 12 April 2014
Worries
i have so many worries and thoughts and im kind of just stuck not knowing how to feel or react. the worries are...
-im going to consistently gain weight and become obese
-im never going to have control over life
-im always going to be let down
-im going to fail all my exams
-im never going to get a boyfriend
-im never going to get a family
-if i do have children, will i pass on my 'illnesses'?
-am i even ill?
-have i ever been ill?
-am i a phony?
iukgt7yutj;opiolkhuikgtitg;
Tuesday 25 March 2014
Lacking everything
I've spent from september until february working my arse off trying to improve my grades, just so i can pass this year - all my motivation has little flown away. At the flipping time i need motivation the most, its just gone!! Typical.
I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.
My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.
Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.
That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*
I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.
My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.
Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.
That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Update
I'm currently all over the place - i'm happy and sad and confused and angry and stressed and okay all at the same time, i don't understand this at all!
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
Monday 24 February 2014
Ive felt shit for a long time now.
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.
The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.
My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.
Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.
I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.
Life is hard, is it even worth it?
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.
The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.
My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.
Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.
I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.
Life is hard, is it even worth it?
Monday 10 February 2014
Feel like giving up
I'm stuck back in the binge purge cycle again
My grades are barely improving
My mood is all over the place
Is this really worth it all?
Should I just give up?
Thursday 30 January 2014
Monday 27 January 2014
"I'm fine"
*note, just because she is laughing and smiling doesn't mean she isn't struggling in her head or wanting to scream out for help*
Sunday 5 January 2014
Ironic
I am constantly feeling alone, even when I'm surrounded by millions of people.
I am so so scared of being alone in the future.
I hate feeling alone and sometimes the feeling is just there in the background like an annoying buzz, then sometimes it's so consuming and fills my head like a fog horn, everything and anything that I think of just reminds me of how alone I am (supports the fog horn theory).
Sometimes my solution is to distract myself in either my college work, or speaking to my family/friends, or watching a film/reading a book. All of those things seem like logical solutions, yet I rarely use them.
My other solution which I normally resort to, is wanting to be left completely alone, withdraw myself from everyone and everything where possible, and just relive all of the horrible thoughts screaming at me in my head whilst lying in the dark (if I'm not busy at college/work), or try to avoid conversation and eye contact (if I'm busy at college or work or I'm with friends).
Right now I'm laid down in bed, in th dark just wanting/waiting for my thoughts to suffocate me until I fall asleep.
Saturday 4 January 2014
😑
I don't understand I don't understand I DONT UNDERSTAND.
Oh life, you mystical creature, you always leave me hanging with "what ifs" and "whys" which actually drive me insane.
What if I fail my as levels and they kick me out of college
What if I fail my level 3 BSL and if cannot work with the deaf
What if I fail my driving test
What if I'm never going to make new friends
What if I lose my current friends
What if I never get a boyfriend
Why does everyone eventually leave me or break their promises to me
Why do I have no control over my food
Why can't I change my boring personality
Why am I so unattractive
Why am I so selfish
Why am I so dumb
Why am I so fat (well I know that answer - it's because I'm too greedy and too lazy)
Why do I exist
Does my life even have meaning?
All of these thoughts haunt my head everyday and literally drive me mad. Do you reckon I can get rid of or find the answers to these questions this year? I hope so!!!
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