Well well well, basically i'm a lying little bitch.
I've lied to everyone about my binging and purging to everyone apart from my ed friends - i lied to my therapist, my family, i didn't admit it to my friends but i shouldn't really because wtf could they do to stop me.
Then i got caught out, i was very mixed with emotions.
In some way i was glad i have been caught out, because now the kitchen door shall be locked and hopefully i shall stop binging and purging as much which should STOP THE FUCKING WEIGHT GAIN!
But then i also felt humiliated and embarrassed because i thought i could be strong enough to cope by myself, but thinking back i didnt at all, when all the control was given to me i ran straight back to bulimia, but hid it so well from even myself. It made me feel like a failure that i ran back to bulimia, im meant to be anorexic not bulimic, so the fact that i started to eat more and then be sick rather than restrict actually disgusts me and makes me upset.
NOW i have to admit to my therapist that i was lying to her, because otherwise my mum will tell her, i feel bad that i've abused her trust with me but honestly i wanted to cope with this on my own. Maybe i'm not strong enough to cope with this on my own, or maybe i'm too greedy now? Both i think are very possible, and depending on my mood depends on which i think is the right answer.
I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BADLY! I've gotten into my head my ideal weight to loose by summer - 10kg/22lbs/1 stone 8 lbs. I doubt that will happen though, so im trying to be more realistic and try to lose 3/4kg by summer, can i do it? i hope so, but sincerely doubt it as i'm a fatso greedy lump of utter pure lard.
I'm just sorry that im wishing to be ill, yet i know others who are dying to recover, i'm sorry im such a hypocrite and so ungrateful.
Saturday 30 March 2013
Thursday 28 March 2013
You
You seem to have slowly taken everything away from me...
-the person I fancied for years
-my best friend
-my opportunity to have a bit of happiness in my life
You just don't realise how angry I am with you, you just seemed to ruin my life. Because of you, my bulimia has been triggered off. Because of you I now hate school 10x more than I already did. Because of you, you have made me trust less people in the world. Because of you, you have made me feel lonely whilst in yours and his presence. I thought you was my best friend and maybe I've interpreted these things wrong, maybe I have no reason to be mad at you but I am and I don't think I can forgive you.
I just managed to get out of the ed cycle and now I've slipped ten feet under which I'm starting to realise started when you started betraying me. Thanks a lot, my life is fucking great because of you.
-the person I fancied for years
-my best friend
-my opportunity to have a bit of happiness in my life
You just don't realise how angry I am with you, you just seemed to ruin my life. Because of you, my bulimia has been triggered off. Because of you I now hate school 10x more than I already did. Because of you, you have made me trust less people in the world. Because of you, you have made me feel lonely whilst in yours and his presence. I thought you was my best friend and maybe I've interpreted these things wrong, maybe I have no reason to be mad at you but I am and I don't think I can forgive you.
I just managed to get out of the ed cycle and now I've slipped ten feet under which I'm starting to realise started when you started betraying me. Thanks a lot, my life is fucking great because of you.
Thursday 21 March 2013
Slipping
I'm slipping back to bulimia. I do not want to continue gaining stupid amounts of weight, I want to lose every last bit of weight I have gained! Please give me strength to stop this binging purging business and let me go back to calorie control and losing weight
Tuesday 12 March 2013
"I always feel like somebody's watching me"
I really don't know if I'm paranoid or not. I genuinely feel like everyone is judging me and watching/analysing every move I make. This is the third time in 3 weeks that I'm properly convinced people were taking photos of me to mock me and have something to laugh about with their friends.
No one realises how much this upsets me, why do others target and judge others for being different, an individual. Why can't we accept people's differences and embrace them, not mock them and make them feel bad for being themselves. Everyone complains society sucks, but hardly anyone in society are making important changes. Quite frankly it's sickening!
I'm so fed up now of being watched over and judged, I cant deal with it because it sends my mind into overdrive and quite often back to me wanting to self destruct again.
No one realises how much this upsets me, why do others target and judge others for being different, an individual. Why can't we accept people's differences and embrace them, not mock them and make them feel bad for being themselves. Everyone complains society sucks, but hardly anyone in society are making important changes. Quite frankly it's sickening!
I'm so fed up now of being watched over and judged, I cant deal with it because it sends my mind into overdrive and quite often back to me wanting to self destruct again.
Sunday 10 March 2013
"i will always remember you with fondness"
I decided today that while i have no exams to study for, that i would update my scrap book.
My mum then showed me where my card from my ex therapist lorna was (she gave me the card when she left work) and there was such a lovely quote "i will always remember you with fondness". That quote really really did touch me, lorna knew never to compliment me because i just simply cannot accept them and would think she was lying, but this was such a lovely way of showing to me that i impacted her life in a good way, and that i actually meant something to her, this really was such a lovely way of her saying goodbye. Lorna just knew me inside out after i had seen her for 2/3 years. She could tell when i was struggling, knew what would make me angry, knew what would trigger me (e.g. saying "you look really really healthy") and just generally was empathetic to what i was going through. I doubt ill ever have that sort of relationship with a therapist again. She did save my life, even though i didnt appreciate it at the time, and still dont sometimes now, but its true, if it wasnt for her i would be dead right now. Sometimes i question whether that is a good thing or not in my moments of weakness, but i know deep down that it was a blessing.
I have only had a similar relationship with another well, not a therapist but someone who looked after me whilst i was in hospital was Chris. I yet again saw a birthday card that he chose for my 14th birthday and what he got the majority of staff and patients to sign. He also knew me pretty well. We was so similar, we had similar taste in music, he knew when there was something not right with me, and encouraged me to get better without actually bullshitting me like the rest of the staff did. He probably saved me from myself, i still remember things he said to me which have impacted my life. Little snippets of memories, the way he understood that i was feeling shit and didnt make a big deal about leaving a few crumbs. I miss him just like i miss lorna.
Looking back on my past makes me very upset and confused. It feels like it was all a dream, that i never actually did all of those things i used to do - even though im fully aware it was all real. I just cannot imagine how i did it, how i starved myself, how i lied constantly, how i constantly counted calories, how i managed to over exercise without my family finding out, all those stupid pro ana tips i'd do. And now im just a girl at a healthy weight, who apparently eats healthily but i think over eats excessively, who doesnt have control over food anymore because she regularly binges and purges. But also who doesnt dare to cut because she doesnt want to dissapoint others. It feels like im normal and that honestly scares the shit out of me. I know i'm not ill anymore, but i would give anything to go back and actually be properly ill again, actually BE SKINNY and not eat, over exercise, have scars on my arms to prove that my head is still struggling and that i have struggled, because i feel like a fake/phoney.
Its very confusing this 'stage' im at now. I cant imagine myself restricting again, but i cant imagine not binging and purging anymore. I'm not ill in the sense that im anorexic, and im not ill in the sense that im full blown bulimic, and i dont think im ednos because i dont restrict and binge and purge, i just am lost, and i cant predict which direction im going to go in because im so scared of recovery, yet theres something in me that cant seem to hold back onto the eating disorder. Maybe this is a vital stage in recovery? Who knows. I just hope it doesn't last long, because i cant seem to find myself at all. I dont really have an identity anymore
My mum then showed me where my card from my ex therapist lorna was (she gave me the card when she left work) and there was such a lovely quote "i will always remember you with fondness". That quote really really did touch me, lorna knew never to compliment me because i just simply cannot accept them and would think she was lying, but this was such a lovely way of showing to me that i impacted her life in a good way, and that i actually meant something to her, this really was such a lovely way of her saying goodbye. Lorna just knew me inside out after i had seen her for 2/3 years. She could tell when i was struggling, knew what would make me angry, knew what would trigger me (e.g. saying "you look really really healthy") and just generally was empathetic to what i was going through. I doubt ill ever have that sort of relationship with a therapist again. She did save my life, even though i didnt appreciate it at the time, and still dont sometimes now, but its true, if it wasnt for her i would be dead right now. Sometimes i question whether that is a good thing or not in my moments of weakness, but i know deep down that it was a blessing.
I have only had a similar relationship with another well, not a therapist but someone who looked after me whilst i was in hospital was Chris. I yet again saw a birthday card that he chose for my 14th birthday and what he got the majority of staff and patients to sign. He also knew me pretty well. We was so similar, we had similar taste in music, he knew when there was something not right with me, and encouraged me to get better without actually bullshitting me like the rest of the staff did. He probably saved me from myself, i still remember things he said to me which have impacted my life. Little snippets of memories, the way he understood that i was feeling shit and didnt make a big deal about leaving a few crumbs. I miss him just like i miss lorna.
Looking back on my past makes me very upset and confused. It feels like it was all a dream, that i never actually did all of those things i used to do - even though im fully aware it was all real. I just cannot imagine how i did it, how i starved myself, how i lied constantly, how i constantly counted calories, how i managed to over exercise without my family finding out, all those stupid pro ana tips i'd do. And now im just a girl at a healthy weight, who apparently eats healthily but i think over eats excessively, who doesnt have control over food anymore because she regularly binges and purges. But also who doesnt dare to cut because she doesnt want to dissapoint others. It feels like im normal and that honestly scares the shit out of me. I know i'm not ill anymore, but i would give anything to go back and actually be properly ill again, actually BE SKINNY and not eat, over exercise, have scars on my arms to prove that my head is still struggling and that i have struggled, because i feel like a fake/phoney.
Its very confusing this 'stage' im at now. I cant imagine myself restricting again, but i cant imagine not binging and purging anymore. I'm not ill in the sense that im anorexic, and im not ill in the sense that im full blown bulimic, and i dont think im ednos because i dont restrict and binge and purge, i just am lost, and i cant predict which direction im going to go in because im so scared of recovery, yet theres something in me that cant seem to hold back onto the eating disorder. Maybe this is a vital stage in recovery? Who knows. I just hope it doesn't last long, because i cant seem to find myself at all. I dont really have an identity anymore
Monday 4 March 2013
Scared
Just had a breakdown (well an hour solid of crying and worrying)
I've realised most people in my life who I've trusted have betrayed me or abandoned me, which made me realise you can hardly fucking trust anyone, your all on your own and realising that for me was shit scary.
Also, I'm lost as a person, idk who "Hayley Mellor" is anymore, I don't think I've ever actually known. I used to be Hayley the anorexic but I still don't even think i was ever that. Now I'm Hayley the recovering anorexic.. Most people think I'm cured which most days i do also, but deep down I know I'm not, I still am obsessed with food and my appearance and am still desiring to be emaciated. So I'm not ill and I'm not recovered - I'm somewhere in between- this frightens me deeply because for the last 4 years all I've ever aspired for is to be the illest and I'm certainly most not that and if I couldn't be the illest then I wanted to be free of horrible thoughts and I certainly aren't free of them.
Basically I'm a girl called Hayley Mellor, I don't know who the girl is yet but I know she's lost, deeply confused, feels alone and is actually secretly very scared. And how can anyone accept me if I don't even know who I am ?
I've realised most people in my life who I've trusted have betrayed me or abandoned me, which made me realise you can hardly fucking trust anyone, your all on your own and realising that for me was shit scary.
Also, I'm lost as a person, idk who "Hayley Mellor" is anymore, I don't think I've ever actually known. I used to be Hayley the anorexic but I still don't even think i was ever that. Now I'm Hayley the recovering anorexic.. Most people think I'm cured which most days i do also, but deep down I know I'm not, I still am obsessed with food and my appearance and am still desiring to be emaciated. So I'm not ill and I'm not recovered - I'm somewhere in between- this frightens me deeply because for the last 4 years all I've ever aspired for is to be the illest and I'm certainly most not that and if I couldn't be the illest then I wanted to be free of horrible thoughts and I certainly aren't free of them.
Basically I'm a girl called Hayley Mellor, I don't know who the girl is yet but I know she's lost, deeply confused, feels alone and is actually secretly very scared. And how can anyone accept me if I don't even know who I am ?
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