Catchup

So this week has ended up being a good week!!!
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.

Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.

Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.

So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx

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My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.

I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!

My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week,  just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.

Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!

Best of me- a day to remember

This is my song to you - it makes me sad but it perfectly describes everything ATM....

What'd you expect from me?

It's not my fault you'll never be happy.

Just cause you're right doesn't mean I'm wrong,

Our days were numbered and we knew it all along.

Can't you let things be?

Now all that's left is misunderstandings.

Spent my nights wishing I was gone.

My dad was right, we will never get along.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

Can't you act your age?

Is it that hard to say what you're thinking?

Lately my life's moving way too fast

You'd drag me down if I'd let you hold me back.

What a mess you've made,

And you hide from it at the bars you frequent.

Blamed myself avoiding time this cost,

But looking back you only learn from what you lost.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I will never be the one you want, no I will never be the one you want. (Oh-oh oh-oh)

Finally come to terms that I can't stop, no not this time. (Ye-yeah)

[x2]

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.