I don't even know

My sister is back home and it's killing me because I'm not able to be sick anymore coz she's ALWAYS FUCKING BY THE BATHROOM! I know it should be a good thing but that's my only control, I have no control of my food intake because I'm greedy and fat and don't say no, so my only way of making sure I didn't gain weight was by being sick.

I'm not proud of it, I wish more than anything I could eat little In moderation and not have to make myself sick but I'm not that strong ATM to be battling against my thoughts. I'm not struggling, I'm just fed up and scared .. So so scared of gaining more weight.

My focus ATM should be on revising, but I can't focus on it because all my thoughts are about food. I hate that the past 6 years my life has revolved around my food, my weight, how I look.

No I'm not struggling, I'm just fat and greedy and ugly and disgusting and I'm not doing anything about it to change.

I'm meant to be going on holiday with my friend and I need to lose weight in order to feel ok going on that holiday. Oh lord please can someone make my world not revolve around fucking food anymore.

Fed up, fat greedy and ugly... Oh please someone fix me.

Control...

Yet another attempt at trying to relinquish control over my life.

-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.

I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.

So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).

I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.

This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?

P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.

Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.

All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!

Wish me luck.

Worries

i have so many worries and thoughts and im kind of just stuck not knowing how to feel or react. the worries are...

-im going to consistently gain weight and become obese

-im never going to have control over life

-im always going to be let down

-im going to fail all my exams

-im never going to get a boyfriend

-im never going to get a family

-if i do have children, will i pass on my 'illnesses'?

-am i even ill?

-have i ever been ill?

-am i a phony?

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