I thought things were meant to get easier and come clearer as you get older... I guess not 😢

"I'm fine"

*note, just because she is laughing and smiling doesn't mean she isn't struggling in her head or wanting to scream out for help*

Ironic

I am constantly feeling alone, even when I'm surrounded by millions of people. 

I am so so scared of being alone in the future.

I hate feeling alone and sometimes the feeling is just there in the background like an annoying buzz, then sometimes it's so consuming and fills my head like a fog horn, everything and anything that I think of just reminds me of how alone I am (supports the fog horn theory).

Sometimes my solution is to distract myself in either my college work, or speaking to my family/friends, or watching a film/reading a book. All of those things seem like logical solutions, yet I rarely use them.

My other solution which I normally resort to, is wanting to be left completely alone, withdraw myself from everyone and everything where possible, and just relive all of the horrible thoughts screaming at me in my head whilst lying in the dark (if I'm not busy at college/work), or try to avoid conversation and eye contact (if I'm busy at college or work or I'm with friends).

Right now I'm laid down in bed, in th dark just wanting/waiting for my thoughts to suffocate me until I fall asleep.

😑

 I don't understand I don't understand  I DONT UNDERSTAND.

Oh life, you mystical creature, you always leave me hanging with "what ifs" and "whys" which actually drive me insane.

What if I fail my as levels and they kick me out of college

What if I fail my level 3 BSL and if cannot work with the deaf

What if I fail my driving test 

What if I'm never going to make new friends 

What if I lose my current friends

What if I never get a boyfriend

Why does everyone eventually leave me or break their promises to me

Why do I have no control over my food 

Why can't I change my boring personality

Why am I so unattractive 

Why am I so selfish

Why am I so dumb

Why am I so fat (well I know that answer - it's because I'm too greedy and too lazy)

Why do I exist

Does my life even have meaning?

All of these thoughts haunt my head everyday and literally drive me mad. Do you reckon I can get rid of or find the answers to these questions this year? I hope so!!!