Review

So 2013 was the year of...
-losing my virginity
-finishing high school (what a hellish time high school was)
-winning prom queen and king with my best friend aaron
-starting greenhead college
-starting driving lessons
-passing my BSL level 2 and starting my BSL level 3
-starting over with a new therapist

it doesn't feel like much has happened but overall, all of the above things have changed my life forever. Yes i've had heartbreak, yes ive had dark days, yes ive struggled... but i've survived and for that i should be thankful. i know that ive made plenty of mistakes, but i will learn and grow from them into hopefully becoming a better person. i'm not falling for the bullshit of 'fresh new start' just because its a new year, but i can say that 2014 will have a whole different load of memories and mistakes that i will get upset by, scream cry and hurt myself by, but i will learn from them and come back stronger.

my mental health issues will always still be there in the back of my mind, for as long as i am still breathing, my aim is to just recognize my issues when they arise and to try and challenge them and push those horrible thoughts into the back of my mind. its not going to be easy, but im sure as hell it will be worth it!

i just want to say i love all of my family and friends and i know that i feel alone in my head, but i know deep down in my heart i am not alone, and im blessed to have the support of you all.

happy new year, i wish happiness and health with you all xoxoxo

Please spare me all the bullshit such as..

You're pretty

You're gorgeous

You have a good figure

Because we all know that you're just complimenting me so that you don't feel mean as you know the reality is that i have a horrible figure and I'm just pure ugly (with and without makeup). So please don't lie to me or sugar coat the truth (e.g you're healthy - which basically means I'm fat) because its just making me feel worse.

Yeah shit day.

Life

So these past few months i have been tossing it off with no school (WAHOO). I havent really met any of my goals that i set myself to do this summer.
I told myself i was going to...
-Work extra hours (i did that)
-Read at least 5 books (i did not do that)
-Recover from bulimia (i did not do that)
-Go to the gym every day from monday-friday (i did not do that)
-Lose weight, healthily - but tbh i didnt care i just wanted the weight off of me (i did not do that)
-Learn my driving theory so i could take my test in september (i half did that)
-Go shopping to get a new college wardrobe (i did that)
-Save up to £2000 so that i can afford driving lessons (i did that)

so out of 8 goals, i only succeded with 3.5/8 of them... PREEEEEEEEDY SHIT.

I got my GCSE Results, they're.. okay i guess. Tbh i was expecting the results i got but deep down i really hoped i had got better.
I wanted to get...
-English A/A*
-English Lit A
-Maths A
-Biology A
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e A
-Media Distinction*
-Sport Distinction
-ICT Distinction

But i only got......
-English B
-English Lit B
-Maths B ( ONLY 1 MARK OFF OF AN A... SO ANNOYING EURGH!)
-Biology- A (Yay!)
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e B
-Media Distinction * (Yay!)
-Sport Merit
-ICT Pass

ANYWAY, i dont know why i'm complaining because i still got enough to get into Greenhead, yes thats right, GREENHEAD!! More like greenhell haha. I like it there like i think they have lots of things in place to support you which is fabulous, i know where all my lessons are etc but im just really extremely nervous and anxious all of the time. I am so scared that i am going to fail all of my courses and if i do that then my career is down the drain. Also i am scared i am not going to make any friends, i simply CANNOT start conversation - its too scary - but if someone else starts a conversation with me im fine, weird i know. I dont want people to think i'm rude because im not starting conversation when i really dont mean to be its just because i have no confidence to start a conversation. EURGH. Also, i was kinda secretely hoping i'd meet a boy and end up with either a good friendship or a relationship but now all i think about is how fat i look and how repulsed people are by me, and how ugly i look and how my hair is horrible, i have an ugly face, i wear horrible clothes, my name is ugly, im boring etc etc.
GOD DAMMIT MIND GIVE ME A REST! haha.
plus im so scared about eating in front of these new people. i mean i can eat in front of my friends from my high school but i just really dont want to eat in front of new people because theyll think im greedy etc. but then i dont want to eat at all in college but my high school friends will question why and tell my mum. i want to lose weight but i have to quit the gym because i have so much going on and like no time to go to the gym, so that makes me feel like a failure and i dont want to put any more weight on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok rant over. to sum up, i havent done fuck all all summer, i now have shit loads to do and its making me anxious. also i cannot make friends and i will be the loner of green head.
goodbye.

I don't even know

I'm not even sure of my emotions anymore, there is so much going on in my head and its like a battle of voices (except the voices all sound like mine)..
-"You're so lucky to have the support of your family", "You're all alone"
-"Your weight doesn't define you, you're healthy", "You are fat, you need to lose 2 stone at least"
-"You're happy now", "I feel like crawling in a hole and never returning"
-"You're recovering And this is what you're going to do to become fully recovered", "You are fat, you was never ill, you need to become ill and become skinny for once"
-"You got a good grade on that test and didn't really work hard, you're quite clever", "you aren't as good as your sister, you're lazy and will fail in life"
-"You are worthy of happiness", "You deserve nothing and shouldn't exist"
-"You will find love one day", "No one will ever want you, you're just a disgusting fat whale who has the personality of a potato, and you are ugly inside and out"
Need I go on...

Reminder

I was just walking my dogs and it had been raining outside, the smell of the rain mixed with the leaves and mud just took me back to when I was in the priory - the smell smelt EXACTLY the same as when I used to go for my morning walks by myself around altrincham.
That smell took me back and instantly made me feel alone again, just like I felt when I used to go for my morning walks whilst In the priory. It's weird how a smell can just take you straight back to a memory In your past.
I haven't thought properly or missed the priory in about 6 weeks. The only thing that I've thought about remotely to do with there is whenever I listen to my favourite band (the used) it makes me think of Chris as he liked them too.

I wish I could go back to three years ago from now...

SMOOTHIES

I decided yesterday that I needed to get a blender so I can make more milk shakes/smoothies and use up my milk and orange juice I have to have AND get more fruit into my diet.
So far it's been a smart move, I haven't wanted to binge because its filled me up.

It's a healthy snack and is very tasty!

This is my smoothie today - frozen berries, low fat natural yoghurt and milk.

Control

For me, my eating disorder started by feeling out of control in everything In my life, so I decided to control my food intake. I got very good at not eating and losing weight, it was my comfort blanket, my safety net. I couldn't control the situations outside myself but I could control my diet and weight and that somehow made me feel better.
Since then I am so afraid of losing control, when I went into hospital I couldn't control my food intake so therefore I started exercising to keep in control of my weight, and when that wasn't enough I started purging, I was so rigid with my control, I wouldn't let anything go.
When I got discharged at first I still had control over my weight, and I suppose over my food (as I wouldn't eat anything extra off of my meal plan), then one day I gave up the control, and it turned into a binge, so then to try relinquish my control I started purging more often as the binging episodes became often. Ever since I lost my control that one day (the first day I binged), I haven't seemed to ever get it back, that was 3 years ago and now I'm 15kg heavier.
Everything I feared when I would lose control has happened, all I want is my control back but it's like I used to be in control of food, and now food is in control of me and I don't know how to get it back.

Setback?

Well well well, basically i'm a lying little bitch.
I've lied to everyone about my binging and purging to everyone apart from my ed friends - i lied to my therapist, my family, i didn't admit it to my friends but i shouldn't really because wtf could they do to stop me.

Then i got caught out, i was very mixed with emotions.
In some way i was glad i have been caught out, because now the kitchen door shall be locked and hopefully i shall stop binging and purging as much which should STOP THE FUCKING WEIGHT GAIN!
 But then i also felt humiliated and embarrassed because i thought i could be strong enough to cope by myself, but thinking back i didnt at all, when all the control was given to me i ran straight back to bulimia, but hid it so well from even myself. It made me feel like a failure that i ran back to bulimia, im meant to be anorexic not bulimic, so the fact that i started to eat more and then be sick rather than restrict actually disgusts me and makes me upset.
NOW i have to admit to my therapist that i was lying to her, because otherwise my mum will tell her, i feel bad that i've abused her trust with me but honestly i wanted to cope with this on my own. Maybe i'm not strong enough to cope with this on my own, or maybe i'm too greedy now? Both i think are very possible, and depending on my mood depends on which i think is the right answer.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BADLY! I've gotten into my head my ideal weight to loose by summer - 10kg/22lbs/1 stone 8 lbs. I doubt that will happen though, so im trying to be more realistic and try to lose 3/4kg by summer, can i do it? i hope so, but sincerely doubt it as i'm a fatso greedy lump of utter pure lard.

I'm just sorry that im wishing to be ill, yet i know others who are dying to recover, i'm sorry im such a hypocrite and so ungrateful.

You

You seem to have slowly taken everything away from me...
-the person I fancied for years
-my best friend
-my opportunity to have a bit of happiness in my life

You just don't realise how angry I am with you, you just seemed to ruin my life. Because of you, my bulimia has been triggered off. Because of you I now hate school 10x more than I already did. Because of you, you have made me trust less people in the world. Because of you, you have made me feel lonely whilst in yours and his presence. I thought you was my best friend and maybe I've interpreted these things wrong, maybe I have no reason to be mad at you but I am and I don't think I can forgive you.

I just managed to get out of the ed cycle and now I've slipped ten feet under which I'm starting to realise started when you started betraying me. Thanks a lot, my life is fucking great because of you.

Slipping

I'm slipping back to bulimia. I do not want to continue gaining stupid amounts of weight, I want to lose every last bit of weight I have gained! Please give me strength to stop this binging purging business and let me go back to calorie control and losing weight

"I always feel like somebody's watching me"

I really don't know if I'm paranoid or not. I genuinely feel like everyone is judging me and watching/analysing every move I make. This is the third time in 3 weeks that I'm properly convinced people were taking photos of me to mock me and have something to laugh about with their friends.
No one realises how much this upsets me, why do others target and judge others for being different, an individual. Why can't we accept people's differences and embrace them, not mock them and make them feel bad for being themselves. Everyone complains society sucks, but hardly anyone in society are making important changes. Quite frankly it's sickening!

I'm so fed up now of being watched over and judged, I cant deal with it because it sends my mind into overdrive and quite often back to me wanting to self destruct again.

"i will always remember you with fondness"

I decided today that while i have no exams to study for, that i would update my scrap book.

 My mum then showed me where my card from my ex therapist lorna was (she gave me the card when she left work) and there was such a lovely quote "i will always remember you with fondness". That quote really really did touch me, lorna knew never to compliment me because i just simply cannot accept them and would think she was lying, but this was such a lovely way of showing to me that i impacted her life in a good way, and that i actually meant something to her, this really was such a lovely way of her saying goodbye. Lorna just knew me inside out after i had seen her for 2/3 years. She could tell when i was struggling, knew what would make me angry, knew what would trigger me (e.g. saying "you look really really healthy") and just generally was empathetic to what i was going through. I doubt ill ever have that sort of relationship with a therapist again. She did save my life, even though i didnt appreciate it at the time, and still dont sometimes now, but its true, if it wasnt for her i would be dead right now. Sometimes i question whether that is a good thing or not in my moments of weakness, but i know deep down that it was a blessing.

I have only had a similar relationship with another well, not a therapist but someone who looked after me whilst i was in hospital was Chris. I yet again saw a birthday card that he chose for my 14th birthday and what he got the majority of staff and patients to sign. He also knew me pretty well. We was so similar, we had similar taste in music, he knew when there was something not right with me, and encouraged me to get better without actually bullshitting me like the rest of the staff did. He probably saved me from myself, i still remember things he said to me which have impacted my life. Little snippets of memories, the way he understood that i was feeling shit and didnt make a big deal about leaving a few crumbs. I miss him just like i miss lorna.

Looking back on my past makes me very upset and confused. It feels like it was all a dream, that i never actually did all of those things i used to do - even though im fully aware it was all real. I just cannot imagine how i did it, how i starved myself, how i lied constantly, how i constantly counted calories, how i managed to over exercise without my family finding out, all those stupid pro ana tips i'd do. And now im just a girl at a healthy weight, who apparently eats healthily but i think over eats excessively, who doesnt have control over food anymore because she regularly binges and purges. But also who doesnt dare to cut because she doesnt want to dissapoint others. It feels like im normal and that honestly scares the shit out of me. I know i'm not ill anymore, but i would give anything to go back and actually be properly ill again, actually BE SKINNY and not eat, over exercise, have scars on my arms to prove that my head is still struggling and that i have struggled, because i feel like a fake/phoney.

Its very confusing this 'stage' im at now. I cant imagine myself restricting again, but i cant imagine not binging and purging anymore. I'm not ill in the sense that im anorexic, and im not ill in the sense that im full blown bulimic, and i dont think im ednos because i dont restrict and binge and purge, i just am lost, and i cant predict which direction im going to go in because im so scared of recovery, yet theres something in me that cant seem to hold back onto the eating disorder. Maybe this is a vital stage in recovery? Who knows. I just hope it doesn't last long, because i cant seem to find myself at all. I dont really have an identity anymore

Scared

Just had a breakdown (well an hour solid of crying and worrying)
I've realised most people in my life who I've trusted have betrayed me or abandoned me, which made me realise you can hardly fucking trust anyone, your all on your own and realising that for me was shit scary.
Also, I'm lost as a person, idk who "Hayley Mellor" is anymore, I don't think I've ever actually known. I used to be Hayley the anorexic but I still don't even think i was ever that. Now I'm Hayley the recovering anorexic.. Most people think I'm cured which most days i do also, but deep down I know I'm not, I still am obsessed with food and my appearance and am still desiring to be emaciated. So I'm not ill and I'm not recovered - I'm somewhere in between- this frightens me deeply because for the last 4 years all I've ever aspired for is to be the illest and I'm certainly most not that and if I couldn't be the illest then I wanted to be free of horrible thoughts and I certainly aren't free of them.

Basically I'm a girl called Hayley Mellor, I don't know who the girl is yet but I know she's lost, deeply confused, feels alone and is actually secretly very scared. And how can anyone accept me if I don't even know who I am ?

Fuck

I can feel it. I'm slipping back to bulimia... This deeply frightens me and was not my intentions at all! I wanted to slip back to anorexia not fucking bulimia. But I've already gotten back into the cycle of allowing myself to eat extras and then having to purge the extras, or purge when I feel too full.

It's strange and horrible cycle. I want to be skinny so badly but I give Into temptation (food) and end up either binging on it and then purging it; I panic when I'm hungry and eat ( which brings back all the feelings of losing control and self hatred ), but when I'm too full I purge. It's like a never ending cycle.

I want my control and will power back, to be counting calories and not going over a limit, to be eating healthy foods, to not crave and desire fatty foods, to even be scared of food, to be wanting to burn off every single calorie I've burnt off. I know I sound fucking selfish wanting back such a horrible illness but its the only time I feel content and in control.

I'm trying to increase my exercise but I just keep binging more, I need to get this sorted. My aim for march is to not binge and purge. Aim high, shoot for the stars.... Wish me luck, ill need it.

fuck this

Fuck trusting people, fuck forgiving people, fuck running back to people, fuck trying to be good enough for people. Fuck people because in reality you're all by yourself

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no body cares

You dont care about me, im not who you want, im not good enough for you, you just want me in bed.
I wasnt good enough for you either, but my best friend was, you lied to me. All of the things I wanted with you, you now have with her ( yes im jealous, it feels like a slap in the face )
No body cares about me as im not good enough for anyone! ( including myself ) I just wish I could move on.

I am also jealous of you, your scars, your willpower, your BMI, your looks.

I am also jealous of you, you have everything I wished for and more.

I am just worthless, no bodys wants me or deserves to have to put up with me.

I am nothing, I have no value, I shouldnt exist. I . Am. Nothing.

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Judged

I am constantly being judged wherever I go, whatever I do. I'm judged because I'm the fat girl who was supposedly anorexic. I'm judged because I have piercings. I am judged because my family have eccentric hair colours. I'm judged when I vent my feelings on twitter. I'm judged by the things i say. I'm judged if I do purge, I'm judged if I don't purge. I'm judged if I eat normally, I'm judged if I don't eat normally. And people wonder why I'm not always myself, it's because I'm FED UP OF BEING JUDGED!!!!!

Overall

Feeling pretty shit. You hate me, I hate me, everyone hates me. I have like two friends thats it. I can't trust myself and no one else. I'm a fat ugly mess who is so insignificant no one would care if I didn't exist. I am too much of a pussy to cut and too greedy to starve I'm literally a failure in every sense of the word. I want to crawl back into myself and never come out.

:'(

I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm dumb, I'm disgusting, I'm greedy, I'm forever alone because I'm not good enough for no one :'(
I miss what I think could of happened ( but you don't care about me, never have And never will, I'm sorry I'm not good enough or beautiful enough or skinny enough for you ).
Please lord let me cry I need a release.

Weight

I seriously need to lose weight. I intend to loose a stone this year, I need to get back my control and stop this binging business, I need to be skinny.