"stop eating!"
Those are the words that have made me realise how much bulimia has taken over, its not just me that thinks I eat too much, even my mum thinks so. No wonder im so fat. I just wish I could restrict and lose so im not fat and greedy any more. Fuck you bulimia, I hate you :(
Im fucking a kilo gram heavier :'( im meant to be losing weight not gaining it :'( I just feel like Such a fat ugly greedy cunt and I have to pretend to be happy when I want to cut so badly.
I've pushed everyone and everything away
I pushed you away and now you hate me
I pushed my best friends away and they now have the friendships I used to have with them, with each other
I pushed my anorexia away and now im trying to grab it back I just can't
I pushed my self control away and replaced it with greed
I am truely alone, and I fake a happy face and even convince myself im fine,but underneath the bullshit im actually just not ok, im not ok, im not ok at all.
I feel so alone, like my best friends are leaving me, my other best friend who understands my problems hates me, and the one person who makes Me feel better I can't be with.
Also I feel like im in my own bubble of illness, im not Ill but im not cured, lost between two states, just floating by life unhappy, not utterly depressed but far from happy.
Please let me get fully depressed because that's when I have my illness back, which is the one thing that keeps me sane...
Im so pathetic, im constantly fighting with myself - whether to eat or not, whether to be sick, whether to cut, whether to binge, whether to exercise. Its fucking horrible, especially as I dont look/aren't ill, it makes me feel like a phoney! And then im moaning about my life when I know people far worse off than me, and those people would kill to have it as easy as me!
And im getting upset because the one person who makes me feel a worth while person I can't be with.
Life SUCKS! :-(
Loosing everyone :'(
Fuck sake why do I upset everyone.
Im so fucking selfish I dont deserve anything I have. Eurgh
