fuck

Im a fucking whale, am ugly and boring, and I always get in bad situations. I just wish id met you first, and that's really selfish that I've got attached when you attached to him first. I can't fucking believe how stupid I am. But it still doesn't stop me wanting what should of happened.
Fuck me this is cryptic. Lhfsuccsubnowsgiblbgoidvvvshhisdhh FUCK LIFE

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:(

Im going to be a shit host for this party. Everyone's going to be bored and it'll be awkward :'( fuck.

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fuck

Why did I do that, ruining everything ergh.

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fuck

Everyone is relapsing and im just here fat and gaining weight :'( I just feel so fucking disgusting and gross, I need to trigger myself into losing all this weight ive gained. I just can't deal with this, I SHOULD be falling back down instead im just getting bigger and bigger.

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i don't know whether its because its suicide awareness day, or because ive watched demi lovato's stay strong documentry, but i'd thought id send you all a message...
recovery is hard, it is ongoing, it is strenuous but you have to keep going. like demi lovato said, recovery doesnt take a break... and i dont think it ever will, sadly they're will ALWAYS be a little demon in your head trying to take over your soul again, but i can promise you that the little demons voice/ affect on you shall lesson more and more the further along in recovery you go.
yes its a struggle, yes its hard, yes some days it seems like the easy option is to give up. and probably some of those days you will make a few mistakes, but each mistake is something to learn from and it will make you even stronger.

please please please STAY STRONG, and if you ever need anyone, please dont hesitate to ring/text/inbox/speak to me or anyone, just don't try and keep things bottled up because a problem shared is a problem halfed ( as our dearest natalie from the priory once told me ;) )

love you all so much, keep fighting because there is a whole world out there waiting for you, you can do this!!!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

today

Utterly shit. Flashback of my past and it felt horrible ( being called emo and that I slit my wrists and wrap chain around my neck). Then eating at school where I dont live up to the expectations of an anorexic because im FAT, especially recently after gaining all this weight. Eating sweets and purging, wasting my mum's money. Wanting to self harm and actually cry which I haven't done since November. Having the pressure of succeeding in my gcse s , which I doubt I will reach my expectations because im fucking lazy and thick. Oh and not even receiving a fucking apology which I fucking well deserve.
Might go and make my mood worse by embarrassing myself and admitting to my mum that im not such an innocent girl.

Fuck fuck fuck.
Let me crawl into this disease and feel secure again, make me feel numb.

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I just want to be ill again. In control of what I eat ( well dont eat ) instead if what I eat controlling me. I want to actually be skinny, so skinny that people darent touch me. So my bones protrude and slice my skin. So people are worried about me and believe im poorly, so I actually believe im poorly. Please just let myself sink further into myself.

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shit

I've lost both of my friends because of a fucking stupid joke :( I can't believe I was such an idiot. I just want to reverse back a week ago ! Fuck fuck fuck.

I can't even describe how nervous I am for school because I hate it and the only good things about it hate me.

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