I've spent from september until february working my arse off trying to improve my grades, just so i can pass this year - all my motivation has little flown away. At the flipping time i need motivation the most, its just gone!! Typical.
I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.
My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.
Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.
That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*
Tuesday 25 March 2014
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Update
I'm currently all over the place - i'm happy and sad and confused and angry and stressed and okay all at the same time, i don't understand this at all!
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
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