Fuck

I can feel it. I'm slipping back to bulimia... This deeply frightens me and was not my intentions at all! I wanted to slip back to anorexia not fucking bulimia. But I've already gotten back into the cycle of allowing myself to eat extras and then having to purge the extras, or purge when I feel too full.

It's strange and horrible cycle. I want to be skinny so badly but I give Into temptation (food) and end up either binging on it and then purging it; I panic when I'm hungry and eat ( which brings back all the feelings of losing control and self hatred ), but when I'm too full I purge. It's like a never ending cycle.

I want my control and will power back, to be counting calories and not going over a limit, to be eating healthy foods, to not crave and desire fatty foods, to even be scared of food, to be wanting to burn off every single calorie I've burnt off. I know I sound fucking selfish wanting back such a horrible illness but its the only time I feel content and in control.

I'm trying to increase my exercise but I just keep binging more, I need to get this sorted. My aim for march is to not binge and purge. Aim high, shoot for the stars.... Wish me luck, ill need it.

fuck this

Fuck trusting people, fuck forgiving people, fuck running back to people, fuck trying to be good enough for people. Fuck people because in reality you're all by yourself

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no body cares

You dont care about me, im not who you want, im not good enough for you, you just want me in bed.
I wasnt good enough for you either, but my best friend was, you lied to me. All of the things I wanted with you, you now have with her ( yes im jealous, it feels like a slap in the face )
No body cares about me as im not good enough for anyone! ( including myself ) I just wish I could move on.

I am also jealous of you, your scars, your willpower, your BMI, your looks.

I am also jealous of you, you have everything I wished for and more.

I am just worthless, no bodys wants me or deserves to have to put up with me.

I am nothing, I have no value, I shouldnt exist. I . Am. Nothing.

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Judged

I am constantly being judged wherever I go, whatever I do. I'm judged because I'm the fat girl who was supposedly anorexic. I'm judged because I have piercings. I am judged because my family have eccentric hair colours. I'm judged when I vent my feelings on twitter. I'm judged by the things i say. I'm judged if I do purge, I'm judged if I don't purge. I'm judged if I eat normally, I'm judged if I don't eat normally. And people wonder why I'm not always myself, it's because I'm FED UP OF BEING JUDGED!!!!!

Overall

Feeling pretty shit. You hate me, I hate me, everyone hates me. I have like two friends thats it. I can't trust myself and no one else. I'm a fat ugly mess who is so insignificant no one would care if I didn't exist. I am too much of a pussy to cut and too greedy to starve I'm literally a failure in every sense of the word. I want to crawl back into myself and never come out.

:'(

I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm dumb, I'm disgusting, I'm greedy, I'm forever alone because I'm not good enough for no one :'(
I miss what I think could of happened ( but you don't care about me, never have And never will, I'm sorry I'm not good enough or beautiful enough or skinny enough for you ).
Please lord let me cry I need a release.

Weight

I seriously need to lose weight. I intend to loose a stone this year, I need to get back my control and stop this binging business, I need to be skinny.