Sunday 12 November 2017

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Frustration.
This is a natural part of my every day life. My life is a whirlwind of contradictions and anxieties, often leading to pent up anger and heartbreaking frustration. Let me explain...

I am insecure, i am so insecure that it affects every single aspect of my life.. literally every aspect. From the moment my eyes open in the morning, until the moment they finally close when i go to sleep (even when i dream), i am insecure.

My thought processes on a daily basis:

-My hair looks slightly greasy today, everyone is going to think that i'm disgusting and want to avoid me.

-I'm really hungry today but i'm scared of what everyone will think when i'm eating so much, so ill try eat in secret to prevent being judged, but then that means that i must be fat because i'm eating so much i have to hide it.

-Why do i feel so hungry today? That must mean that i'm slowly eating more and more, i'm going to gain even more weight and become even uglier and lose control over everything.

-I don't feel comfortable in any clothes that i wear, everyone will be laughing about how hideous i look, my bulging fat, how my bum jiggles when i walk.

-I feel exhausted today, i bet everyone is staring at me thinking how lazy i am and looking at my ugly bags.

-When i'm yawning everyone can see my 10 double chins, try yawn and cover it.

-Its been two hours and i still haven't gotten a reply, i've done something to upset them, they hate me *thinks about every possible reason why someone may hate me and what i've done wrong*, i'm annoying and they're probably fed up of me. Everyone gets bored of me, there's something about me that drives people away. I need to change but i don't know where to even begin. *heart pounds out of chest when any notification comes in as i'm expecting a long message of why i'm not good enough*


I am aware that this is not rational thinking, and the majority of the time what i'm worried about is not what is actually happening. That makes things even more difficult, i know that i'm most likely being irrational but i cannot deny that those anxieties that come into my head have power over everything i do/think/feel. I constantly need reassurance that my anxieties are irrational, and most likely not true as that seems to be the only thing that quietens them down (albeit, then i sometimes think "they're just saying these things to appease me, when they actually hate me and think that i do look hideous and am a lazy waste of space".

I'm not easy to deal with, i struggle to deal with myself.. nevermind others dealing with me. I'm sorry for people that are a part of my life, i truly am.

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