My sister is back home and it's killing me because I'm not able to be sick anymore coz she's ALWAYS FUCKING BY THE BATHROOM! I know it should be a good thing but that's my only control, I have no control of my food intake because I'm greedy and fat and don't say no, so my only way of making sure I didn't gain weight was by being sick.
I'm not proud of it, I wish more than anything I could eat little In moderation and not have to make myself sick but I'm not that strong ATM to be battling against my thoughts. I'm not struggling, I'm just fed up and scared .. So so scared of gaining more weight.
My focus ATM should be on revising, but I can't focus on it because all my thoughts are about food. I hate that the past 6 years my life has revolved around my food, my weight, how I look.
No I'm not struggling, I'm just fat and greedy and ugly and disgusting and I'm not doing anything about it to change.
I'm meant to be going on holiday with my friend and I need to lose weight in order to feel ok going on that holiday. Oh lord please can someone make my world not revolve around fucking food anymore.
Fed up, fat greedy and ugly... Oh please someone fix me.
Monday, 21 April 2014
Monday, 14 April 2014
Control...
Yet another attempt at trying to relinquish control over my life.
-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.
I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.
So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).
I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.
This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?
P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.
Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.
All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!
Wish me luck.
-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.
I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.
So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).
I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.
This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?
P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.
Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.
All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!
Wish me luck.
Saturday, 12 April 2014
Worries
i have so many worries and thoughts and im kind of just stuck not knowing how to feel or react. the worries are...
-im going to consistently gain weight and become obese
-im never going to have control over life
-im always going to be let down
-im going to fail all my exams
-im never going to get a boyfriend
-im never going to get a family
-if i do have children, will i pass on my 'illnesses'?
-am i even ill?
-have i ever been ill?
-am i a phony?
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Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Lacking everything
I've spent from september until february working my arse off trying to improve my grades, just so i can pass this year - all my motivation has little flown away. At the flipping time i need motivation the most, its just gone!! Typical.
I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.
My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.
Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.
That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*
I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.
My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.
Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.
That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Update
I'm currently all over the place - i'm happy and sad and confused and angry and stressed and okay all at the same time, i don't understand this at all!
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me - only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.
College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(
Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!
Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.
That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox
Monday, 24 February 2014
Ive felt shit for a long time now.
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.
The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.
My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.
Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.
I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.
Life is hard, is it even worth it?
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.
The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.
My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.
Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.
I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.
Life is hard, is it even worth it?
Monday, 10 February 2014
Feel like giving up
I'm stuck back in the binge purge cycle again
My grades are barely improving
My mood is all over the place
Is this really worth it all?
Should I just give up?
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