Love

Love isn't just in a romantic sense... Yes it is a huge part of what 'love' is associated with and yes it is a big part of what it is, I'm just saying that people fixate on he romantic sense of love rather than the other versions of it. There's the love of a mother and their child, the love of a programme, the love of an idol, the love of the family, the love of a friend.

The love I'm going to focus on for me is the love of a friend of mine. I have been friends with him since I was 12, not very close friends at first but he soon became my bestfriend (even if I wasn't his) and someone I just trusted. He's been with me through so many things, he has made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry because I was laughing so hard with him, he's seen me do embarrassing stuff as I have with him.

He's been with me all through my darkest times. When I was in hospital he visited me often and rang me up several times a week, trying to make sure that I'm ok. He would listen to me snuffling through the tears and still cheer me up - he supervised me when I had to eat and didn't make judging comments. He even bought me a massive teddy bear just to cheer me up. He's sent me a link to a song called "true colours" when I was particularly depressed. He's seen my scars and been supportive of me. After all of this, he is still my best friend.

Love isn't just in a sexual way. With me and my friend (from my point of view), it's in the way he remembers little things about me that I wouldn't expect, it's in the way he can make me smile even when I feel shit, it's the way he's always been supportive of me and the fact he hasn't given up on me, it's in the way he doesn't judge me, it's in the way I can trust him to not constantly pester me about my problems... Like he focuses on Hayley and not my issues, it's in the way he cares about others, and finally it's in the way that I couldn't imagine him not ever being in my life.

I myself have been focusing on the romantic side of love and how unlucky I am etc etc, but actually thinking about it, I'm one of the luckiest girls for actually adoring my best friend and having such a wonderful one at that. Yes this is a bit soppy, but you focus so much for one thing and you don't really appreciate what good you have in your life.

So this is for you, I am so grateful you're my friend and have been for just over 5 years, words don't describe how much I adore you. Thank you so much xxx

I'm sorry

I feel so bad and I know I shouldn't but I do.
I forgive too easily, I am attached to you idk why but I just am, my thoughts go to you when I feel sad/alone and want someone to cuddle me to make me feel better. I care a lot about you even though you have made me feel so shit and made me cry and hurt me, but I still care! I don't want you to feel so shit because I've felt it and I know how immensely horrible it is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - especially not you. I want to help but I know I don't help you, I don't want you to feel like I've given up on you because I haven't I just had to be selfish... I can't handle you blowing hot and cold - I physically can't put myself through that again, wondering what I've done wrong, worrying how to fix it, feeling so guilty and so bad because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.

I really wish that the things that have happened between us didn't happen, I wish I could of made you happy and you could of made me happy. I don't know I just feel full of regret and guilt.

I'll always have a soft spot for you and I genuinely wish you can overcome your demons. I'm so sorry if you feel I've given up on you and abandoned you because I haven't I just had to protect myself.

I'm so sorry, please stay strong.

Alone

I have always felt alone, even since being a little girl.
-At primary school i always used to watch my 'friends' play and just watch and guard all their coats whilst they had fun because i was too self conscious to join in with them.
-I had a really difficult time at high school and got bullied.

-I have never really had many friends, and theres only been one friend who has lasted for 5 years - the rest have not lasted that long and are history pretty much.

-I've never really had anyone to talk to everyday, no one really seems to 'get me'.. even though i try to make attempts to talk to people, it just doesnt really work so i get fed up and give up.
-I've only had 1 boyfriend and tbh it was hardly a relationship, we had nothing in common and i wasnt happy. So now i'm just scared of being forever alone

Yes i have my family and others that i do talk to, but no one really seems to understand fully what i'm feeling, i have people who feel and think very similar things to me, but i just dont know. I am in a room full of people and i just am trapped inside this body that i hate with thoughts that i cant control which hate me.

Yet another rambling that is very repetitive and boring... oh life.

*big sigh*

So an overview of my ed history.
At the age of 12 started restricting and overexercising
At the age of 13 was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa ( i hate that word its like venom in my mouth)
At the age of 13 i was put inpatient for my eating disorder
At the age of 13 was put on anti depressants
At the age of 14 was discharged from inpatient
At the age of 14 started binging and purging severely
At the age of 14 started self harming
At the age of 14 gained 10 kg
At the age of 14 was put on anti-psychotics
At the age of 15 lost 7 kg
At the age of 16 gained 13 kg
At the age of 17 lost 3 kg
At the age of 17 gained a further 5 kg.

Since the age of 14 i have been stuck in a binge purge cycle or a restricting cycle. At the moment im stuck in the binge purge cycle again but yet again am at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT! Literally i'm so so huge and it is really disgusting. I don't even know if i want to get better, i just want to stop this binging and purging because it only makes me gain weight and feel shitty.
 I've never since the age of 12 been able to 'eat healthily' without restricting or binging and purging. I don't know if there is an end to this cycle which is flipping scary!
I'm fed up of being stuck, I've tried so many things to try eat 'normally' but i just cant seem to.

My plan is to stop b/p and to stop purging full stop. I don't know if that's realistic or not but i know i need to stop. I cannot deal with more weight gain and bloated-ness and spending all my money, all the embarrassment and sneaking around. I want to be in control of food, not continue with food being in control of me. I've said this so many times and im hoping one day i can stick to this.

I don't know what my plan is to do but i know something needs to change. Being stuck with disordered thoughts and food habits for 6 years isn't very nice at all.

Confused is an understatement

Well exam season has well and truly begun! My anxieties arent no where near as high as i expected them to be!! But tbh i think i've given up the hope of even achieving good grades this year. I know i'm stupid and i didnt put as much effort as i should of done because im lazy, so im the one going to pay the price :l

I have a backup plan, if my grades are incredibly shocking this year, i shall drop out of greenhead college, go get a job signing and then start an access course so i can still go to uni to do my mental health nursing degree!! But obviously i'm hoping for good enough grades so i can continue at college where all of my friends are.

Time for my mood now... its kind of stuck in unknown land. I'm not happy, i'm not depressed, i'm kind of nothing. Its weird explaining it, i went from being quite depressed to this nothingness again. I just dont really care about anything that much anymore. I do care obviously, but the only conclusion i can come to is that i've given up trying.

ED wise. People tell me i'm poorly, but i don't see it! I still eat, but every time i have ate in these past few weeks, its made me feel physically sick! I eat in front of my friends - still have high anxiety and paranoia and i tend to purge it but i still eat in front of them. And i eat loads of junk food. I'm still purging but i dont think thats really a problem because i dont do it religiously after every time i eat?! I still have shitty self esteem and bad body image but tbh i think that's always going to be the case.

I've been told by my step dad " you care about others too much and ALWAYS put others before yourself, you need to have a 'fuck you' attitude and start putting yourself first sometimes. People use you for your kindness, you need to start to be a little bit selfish and deal with your own mess first before helping others out with their mess". I didnt know how to respond to that at all. I mean i agree with it but then i disagree with it also. I know i never put myself first.. but i dont think i deserve to be put first, plus no one else has ever put me first.. i've always been 2nd best. Yes i do jump to help other people, but thats just because i know what it feels like to feel alone and i dont want ANYONE to feel that way! But i dont think i have a mess to sort out, i know i have these issues but im managing in the real world so i dont feel its important?!

Golly gosh all of these confusions! Does life get less confusing? I hope so

Tired

I can still laugh and smile but i just feel shit.
I'm tired of all of this shit, im tired of being me. I wish i could be someone else because i just seem to be stuck in my ways.
I cant even express my feelings anymore, i just know that i arent happy at all and havent been for so so so long.
My family are saying i'm poorly again but i dont see it?! I'm just this fat lump who eats far too much i'm definitely not poorly.

I really wish right now i could either fast forward my life to when i have a partner and kids, or that my life would of never even begun.

fed up and hold no hope

I'm fed up of college - the constant thoughts and worries about how im failing, how i'm stupid, how everyone laughs at me, how i'm the ugliest girl there and they all judge me, how if i fuck this year up then its going to hold back my future, how i'm letting my teachers down because i'm going to get shit grades.

I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.

I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.

I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.

I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.

I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.