Life

I don't really remember the last time i posted on here so im back!

Life's very confusing. I was for weeks in a bad BAD spell of bulimia but i think im getting out of that cycle slowly, i mean i havent purged a lot these past few days which is really good- but i weighed myself and i wanted to cry. I'm so afraid of asking for help because i know they'd laugh at me and be like you're too fat to have an eating disorder. I dont know if i want help or not, i just want to be skinny again.

I found out from my mum that i was nearly put back into inpatient unit 4 times after i was discharged from the priory.. WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING GO BACK IN AND GET THIS SHIT SORTED! If i could turn back time then i would of gone back inpatient because it might of sorted me out and not left me in limbo land like i am now. *sigh*

 this literally describes how i am feeling.

In other news, the person who caused a lot of upset in my life came back in contact with me and apologized. I think his apologies were actually sincere but i didn't accept him back into my life because i always end up so upset when things didn't work out between us and i cant put myself through it again. Plus he did get like 3 chances from me and fucked them all up and i can't keep offering him chances. It just sucks because i wish things had never gone wrong the first time. I still really care about him but i have to move on with my own life.

I just never have any luck with boys hahahaha. Ill just be forever forcing my dogs to cuddle me because i get no one else to cuddle. I wish i did have someone because it'd be nice to just know you have someone there who cares about you and likes you and wants to be a part of your life for the good and bad! But i don't expect that to happen to me any time soon.

I'm just going to go to sleep as i normally do because that's the only solution to my problems!

Rant

I've been stuck in this cycle for 3 and a half years now. I have times where i think im getting better but then i have a massive relapse.

I haven't been diagnosed, but i have all of the symptoms of a bulimic and i am 99.9% certain that i am bulimic. I go through phases of binge and purge and sometimes its ridiculously bad, and other times it isnt that bad. I'm truly ashamed of my illness... i hide any evidence that im stuck in this horrible cycle and yet i have been caught out several times.

Its embarrassing to think of how much i eat in a binge... how fast i eat it, what it actually is that im eating. I'm aware that i'm bingeing but i just zone out. Its like a possessed person who has been starved for weeks enters my body and rushed to grab ANYTHING to eat that's in sight. And then i realise how bad I've got and i run to the bathroom and puke it up. I've never used laxatives, its always just been purging.

Its so bad that i actually self taught myself how to purge without any help - and by help i mean i don't have to shove fingers/toothbrush down my throat or drink salty water or whatever. I'm so used to being sick now that it doesn't even feel horrible to me anymore. I now enjoy being sick because its like a relief once its out of my system. I know being sick doesn't work though because in the past three years I've gained over 30lbs, and its truly such a horrible feeling and sight.

I'm more ashamed of the fact that in a binge i eat so much.. rather than the fact that im sick. Im ashamed that i've probably wasted hundreds of pounds on binge food/my familys food by just eating it in a big binge and not enjoying it and then purging it.

I do sometimes cut back and start the restricting cycle again, and i think that if i did live on my own i would just restrict binge purge restrict binge purge restrict binge purge. But restricting at home is basically impossible seen as though my family force me to eat 3 meals a day and supervise me for them.

I am very open about my eating disorder to people, well about my anorexia.. but i'm so ashamed of admitting my bulimia. It's sick that i'd rather have anorexia than bulimia when really i should wish to not have either because they are both horrible illnesses.

I know that i'm poorly with bulimia and im stuck... im so so so stuck and i dont know how to stop it and i know that if i cant get help from it that it will kill me later on in life. But actually going and asking for help and admitting to a professional how severe it gets, its ridiculously hard for me to do and im so scared of getting turned down because i don't 'look ill' because im fat.

I so desperately want to have a normal life and i'm scared that if i ask for help and admit how severe i get, that if i did end up in inpatient that it would fuck my whole life up.

Theres never a right time to go into hospital, but right now is really not the right time and i dont want to go back, i want to beat this on my own but its so damn hard you dont understand.

No one knows the extent of my illness because i keep 90% of it a secret, i would keep it all a secret but i get caught 10% of the time.

Eating disorders are not glamorous.. and i wish that i could go back to when i was 12 and stop myself from going down this path. I'm going to be stuck with this for life and its really really hard to fight it.

pros and cons

PROS-
*The guy who has caused me so much grief and upset i think is finally out of my life! ive just realised that even though i dont think im worth much, that i know that i deserve better than that and tbh even when i was hooking up with him or speaking to him.. i wasnt happy and i didnt trust him so what was the point of even staying in contact. I mean i still care for him and wish him happiness,i just dont want him in my life anymore.

*I've made a new friend who is lovely jubbly and thats very exciting and new to me!

*Im starting a new college and a new job which hopefully is a better choice than staying at gh because i hated it there.

CONS-
*Im fucking huge.. i mean huge, i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i just want to be back to like 10kg less than i am now, i would look so much better and feel so much better but im too fucking lazy and greedy to actually lose the weight.

*I'm stuck in quite bad binge purge cycles at the moment which is embaressing for me to admit to anyone but yeah i feel quite stuck

*I dont like my part time job i have atm anymore, ive been there 2 and a half years and im just fed up of the shitty customers and to be honest i dont fit in with any of the members of staff there.. the only way to describe it is like they're all the 'popular cool kids' who are all up to date and know eachother and go out all the time etc, then theres me the 'lame dorky fat weirdo' who doesnt have a lot of friends, knows no one and doesnt really have a social life.

So im pretty stuck between all these sorts of feelings- as per usual haha.

Sigh

Yet again i don't have a fucking clue about my life.
I am not consistent at all! My mood literally changes drastically in 1 second.. I don't know if that's because of my medicines or not as I've missed my medicines. I think I'm slowly accepting that I need medicine to survive.
Looking back on my ed, I've come so far yet not far at all... I'll explain. I don't restrict anymore and I don't always count calories (which is a big achievement as I couldn't survive without counting every single calorie) I can eat out in public more (even though I still have high anxiety and mainly end up purging what I've had). However it is basically not much better as I hate my body and want to lose weight desperately, I binge and purge so often and I purge still even when I haven't binged. People do not think Ill because I'm a healthy weight. I also have anxiety which is not very nice and still have depression.
I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone forever or that I'm just going to be treat pooey like I always have been by boys. I get far too attached to them which isn't good because I end up still caring for them and running back to them when I really shouldn't. I'm trying to just remember I have really good friends ATM and I shouldn't be focusing on not having someone. It would just be nice to have someone who likes me for me even though I don't like myself at all and someone who would treat me nicely and care for me. Sigh. If I stop looking maybe I'll find someone? If not I'll just cuddle my doggies because I know they love me .

Bla bla bla this post is pointless and repetitive as all my posts at but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell this stuff so I just vent on here and feel slightly relieved to get it off of my chest.

Hope you're having a lovely summer xxxxx

Catchup

So this week has ended up being a good week!!!
I passed my driving test on Wednesday - FIRST TIME WOOO!!!!! I was and still am so happy about that, I love driving by myself it just keeps me busy and keeps all the horrible thoughts at bay because im concentrating so hard. I just hope that I actually am a good driver like my family and friends have said I am.

Yesterday I took my best friend out to costa which was actually SO NICE! It was quite and just a chilled atmosphere and It was nice just to spend time with him :)
I've also (for the moment) had a euphoria moment, the person who ive got a lot of history with, I am accepting that it is just history... he's made so many promises that he hasn't kept so why should I keep him in my life? Yes if he tries to speak to me I will reply but im not wasting my time trying to make an effort with him or worrying why he isn't making an effort with me. Hopefully ill keep this mentality.

Finally my last bit of good/bad news. Today I drove my grandma out and bought us both a meal, and because we had trouble with my grandmas food, we got a free MASSIVE like mega chocolate ice-cream sundae thing to share. I didn't want pudding but as it was on the house, I shared it with my grandma... this was delicious but I knew as soon as I got home where it would end up going (yes it went down the toilet if you couldn't of already guessed). That made me feel guilty, but then I felt less guilty as I was the one paying for it, so Its not like I wasted her money it was just my own money I wasted.
The other good/bad thing today was that I've weighed myself, and in two months I have lost nearly 4kg!!!!!!! It makes me SO HAPPY! I know its a bad thing but it still fills me with glee seeing the numbers go down. Im not no where near underweight so its not a dangerous thing, I doubt ill lose anymore but we'll see.

So all in all a pretty decent week! I am going on holiday on Monday for 11 days so I wont be posting much during that time.
Stay strong xxxxx

.

My head is a whirlwind at the moment.
I'm struggling, not in an obvious way but i am. My friends can't tell that i feel like shit because i'm laughing and smiling and being talkative, but really thats not how i'm feeling.

I'm at home again, so im eating more as i'm in the house more... hence ive been binging and purging more - im back up to purging like 5/6/7 times a day again. Purging doesnt bother me, i enjoy it because i enjoy the feeling of being empty... its the binging bit beforehand that i hate. My thoughts are centered around food/my weight/my appearence/people who treat me shit. I'm stuck at the moment, i SO badly want to lose weight, i want to lose 8/9kg asap!! But the ways i go about it are difficult, i'm trying not to let my ed take over but its pretty hard not to when food/weight is involved. I'm constantly flipping between counting calories and then binging and purging. I want to start counting calories and exercising more, but i know that could start off a viscious cycle and i really really really can't deal with the agro with my family again. EURGH! Why cant i have a normal relationship with myself and food for goodness sake!

My mood is very up and down, the ups arent manic but they're 'the old hayley', where she's happy and chatting away and smiling and laughing. The downs are more often, where i'm tired and lethargic, very withdrawn and agitated. I've been living in my bedroom this past week,  just sleeping most of the day away... this is so i don't have to deal with my thoughts because im too tired of them, i've had them for 5 years now.

Thats basically it, i'm just so tired of these cycles... my life revolves around like 5 different cycles that i'm stuck in!

Best of me- a day to remember

This is my song to you - it makes me sad but it perfectly describes everything ATM....

What'd you expect from me?

It's not my fault you'll never be happy.

Just cause you're right doesn't mean I'm wrong,

Our days were numbered and we knew it all along.

Can't you let things be?

Now all that's left is misunderstandings.

Spent my nights wishing I was gone.

My dad was right, we will never get along.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

Can't you act your age?

Is it that hard to say what you're thinking?

Lately my life's moving way too fast

You'd drag me down if I'd let you hold me back.

What a mess you've made,

And you hide from it at the bars you frequent.

Blamed myself avoiding time this cost,

But looking back you only learn from what you lost.

So I'm done, cause things could never be the same.

This is the last time, this is the last time you'll ever burden me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I will never be the one you want, no I will never be the one you want. (Oh-oh oh-oh)

Finally come to terms that I can't stop, no not this time. (Ye-yeah)

[x2]

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

Stretched myself out way too far,

Now I can see you for who you are.

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe I trusted every word you said.

It's all finally making sense,

You took what's left of my innocence. Oh no,

I can't believe you got the best of me.

I can't believe you got the best of me.