I don't even know

I'm not even sure of my emotions anymore, there is so much going on in my head and its like a battle of voices (except the voices all sound like mine)..
-"You're so lucky to have the support of your family", "You're all alone"
-"Your weight doesn't define you, you're healthy", "You are fat, you need to lose 2 stone at least"
-"You're happy now", "I feel like crawling in a hole and never returning"
-"You're recovering And this is what you're going to do to become fully recovered", "You are fat, you was never ill, you need to become ill and become skinny for once"
-"You got a good grade on that test and didn't really work hard, you're quite clever", "you aren't as good as your sister, you're lazy and will fail in life"
-"You are worthy of happiness", "You deserve nothing and shouldn't exist"
-"You will find love one day", "No one will ever want you, you're just a disgusting fat whale who has the personality of a potato, and you are ugly inside and out"
Need I go on...

Reminder

I was just walking my dogs and it had been raining outside, the smell of the rain mixed with the leaves and mud just took me back to when I was in the priory - the smell smelt EXACTLY the same as when I used to go for my morning walks by myself around altrincham.
That smell took me back and instantly made me feel alone again, just like I felt when I used to go for my morning walks whilst In the priory. It's weird how a smell can just take you straight back to a memory In your past.
I haven't thought properly or missed the priory in about 6 weeks. The only thing that I've thought about remotely to do with there is whenever I listen to my favourite band (the used) it makes me think of Chris as he liked them too.

I wish I could go back to three years ago from now...

SMOOTHIES

I decided yesterday that I needed to get a blender so I can make more milk shakes/smoothies and use up my milk and orange juice I have to have AND get more fruit into my diet.
So far it's been a smart move, I haven't wanted to binge because its filled me up.

It's a healthy snack and is very tasty!

This is my smoothie today - frozen berries, low fat natural yoghurt and milk.

Control

For me, my eating disorder started by feeling out of control in everything In my life, so I decided to control my food intake. I got very good at not eating and losing weight, it was my comfort blanket, my safety net. I couldn't control the situations outside myself but I could control my diet and weight and that somehow made me feel better.
Since then I am so afraid of losing control, when I went into hospital I couldn't control my food intake so therefore I started exercising to keep in control of my weight, and when that wasn't enough I started purging, I was so rigid with my control, I wouldn't let anything go.
When I got discharged at first I still had control over my weight, and I suppose over my food (as I wouldn't eat anything extra off of my meal plan), then one day I gave up the control, and it turned into a binge, so then to try relinquish my control I started purging more often as the binging episodes became often. Ever since I lost my control that one day (the first day I binged), I haven't seemed to ever get it back, that was 3 years ago and now I'm 15kg heavier.
Everything I feared when I would lose control has happened, all I want is my control back but it's like I used to be in control of food, and now food is in control of me and I don't know how to get it back.

Setback?

Well well well, basically i'm a lying little bitch.
I've lied to everyone about my binging and purging to everyone apart from my ed friends - i lied to my therapist, my family, i didn't admit it to my friends but i shouldn't really because wtf could they do to stop me.

Then i got caught out, i was very mixed with emotions.
In some way i was glad i have been caught out, because now the kitchen door shall be locked and hopefully i shall stop binging and purging as much which should STOP THE FUCKING WEIGHT GAIN!
 But then i also felt humiliated and embarrassed because i thought i could be strong enough to cope by myself, but thinking back i didnt at all, when all the control was given to me i ran straight back to bulimia, but hid it so well from even myself. It made me feel like a failure that i ran back to bulimia, im meant to be anorexic not bulimic, so the fact that i started to eat more and then be sick rather than restrict actually disgusts me and makes me upset.
NOW i have to admit to my therapist that i was lying to her, because otherwise my mum will tell her, i feel bad that i've abused her trust with me but honestly i wanted to cope with this on my own. Maybe i'm not strong enough to cope with this on my own, or maybe i'm too greedy now? Both i think are very possible, and depending on my mood depends on which i think is the right answer.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BADLY! I've gotten into my head my ideal weight to loose by summer - 10kg/22lbs/1 stone 8 lbs. I doubt that will happen though, so im trying to be more realistic and try to lose 3/4kg by summer, can i do it? i hope so, but sincerely doubt it as i'm a fatso greedy lump of utter pure lard.

I'm just sorry that im wishing to be ill, yet i know others who are dying to recover, i'm sorry im such a hypocrite and so ungrateful.

You

You seem to have slowly taken everything away from me...
-the person I fancied for years
-my best friend
-my opportunity to have a bit of happiness in my life

You just don't realise how angry I am with you, you just seemed to ruin my life. Because of you, my bulimia has been triggered off. Because of you I now hate school 10x more than I already did. Because of you, you have made me trust less people in the world. Because of you, you have made me feel lonely whilst in yours and his presence. I thought you was my best friend and maybe I've interpreted these things wrong, maybe I have no reason to be mad at you but I am and I don't think I can forgive you.

I just managed to get out of the ed cycle and now I've slipped ten feet under which I'm starting to realise started when you started betraying me. Thanks a lot, my life is fucking great because of you.

Slipping

I'm slipping back to bulimia. I do not want to continue gaining stupid amounts of weight, I want to lose every last bit of weight I have gained! Please give me strength to stop this binging purging business and let me go back to calorie control and losing weight