Please spare me all the bullshit such as..

You're pretty

You're gorgeous

You have a good figure

Because we all know that you're just complimenting me so that you don't feel mean as you know the reality is that i have a horrible figure and I'm just pure ugly (with and without makeup). So please don't lie to me or sugar coat the truth (e.g you're healthy - which basically means I'm fat) because its just making me feel worse.

Yeah shit day.

Life

So these past few months i have been tossing it off with no school (WAHOO). I havent really met any of my goals that i set myself to do this summer.
I told myself i was going to...
-Work extra hours (i did that)
-Read at least 5 books (i did not do that)
-Recover from bulimia (i did not do that)
-Go to the gym every day from monday-friday (i did not do that)
-Lose weight, healthily - but tbh i didnt care i just wanted the weight off of me (i did not do that)
-Learn my driving theory so i could take my test in september (i half did that)
-Go shopping to get a new college wardrobe (i did that)
-Save up to £2000 so that i can afford driving lessons (i did that)

so out of 8 goals, i only succeded with 3.5/8 of them... PREEEEEEEEDY SHIT.

I got my GCSE Results, they're.. okay i guess. Tbh i was expecting the results i got but deep down i really hoped i had got better.
I wanted to get...
-English A/A*
-English Lit A
-Maths A
-Biology A
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e A
-Media Distinction*
-Sport Distinction
-ICT Distinction

But i only got......
-English B
-English Lit B
-Maths B ( ONLY 1 MARK OFF OF AN A... SO ANNOYING EURGH!)
-Biology- A (Yay!)
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e B
-Media Distinction * (Yay!)
-Sport Merit
-ICT Pass

ANYWAY, i dont know why i'm complaining because i still got enough to get into Greenhead, yes thats right, GREENHEAD!! More like greenhell haha. I like it there like i think they have lots of things in place to support you which is fabulous, i know where all my lessons are etc but im just really extremely nervous and anxious all of the time. I am so scared that i am going to fail all of my courses and if i do that then my career is down the drain. Also i am scared i am not going to make any friends, i simply CANNOT start conversation - its too scary - but if someone else starts a conversation with me im fine, weird i know. I dont want people to think i'm rude because im not starting conversation when i really dont mean to be its just because i have no confidence to start a conversation. EURGH. Also, i was kinda secretely hoping i'd meet a boy and end up with either a good friendship or a relationship but now all i think about is how fat i look and how repulsed people are by me, and how ugly i look and how my hair is horrible, i have an ugly face, i wear horrible clothes, my name is ugly, im boring etc etc.
GOD DAMMIT MIND GIVE ME A REST! haha.
plus im so scared about eating in front of these new people. i mean i can eat in front of my friends from my high school but i just really dont want to eat in front of new people because theyll think im greedy etc. but then i dont want to eat at all in college but my high school friends will question why and tell my mum. i want to lose weight but i have to quit the gym because i have so much going on and like no time to go to the gym, so that makes me feel like a failure and i dont want to put any more weight on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok rant over. to sum up, i havent done fuck all all summer, i now have shit loads to do and its making me anxious. also i cannot make friends and i will be the loner of green head.
goodbye.

I don't even know

I'm not even sure of my emotions anymore, there is so much going on in my head and its like a battle of voices (except the voices all sound like mine)..
-"You're so lucky to have the support of your family", "You're all alone"
-"Your weight doesn't define you, you're healthy", "You are fat, you need to lose 2 stone at least"
-"You're happy now", "I feel like crawling in a hole and never returning"
-"You're recovering And this is what you're going to do to become fully recovered", "You are fat, you was never ill, you need to become ill and become skinny for once"
-"You got a good grade on that test and didn't really work hard, you're quite clever", "you aren't as good as your sister, you're lazy and will fail in life"
-"You are worthy of happiness", "You deserve nothing and shouldn't exist"
-"You will find love one day", "No one will ever want you, you're just a disgusting fat whale who has the personality of a potato, and you are ugly inside and out"
Need I go on...

Reminder

I was just walking my dogs and it had been raining outside, the smell of the rain mixed with the leaves and mud just took me back to when I was in the priory - the smell smelt EXACTLY the same as when I used to go for my morning walks by myself around altrincham.
That smell took me back and instantly made me feel alone again, just like I felt when I used to go for my morning walks whilst In the priory. It's weird how a smell can just take you straight back to a memory In your past.
I haven't thought properly or missed the priory in about 6 weeks. The only thing that I've thought about remotely to do with there is whenever I listen to my favourite band (the used) it makes me think of Chris as he liked them too.

I wish I could go back to three years ago from now...

SMOOTHIES

I decided yesterday that I needed to get a blender so I can make more milk shakes/smoothies and use up my milk and orange juice I have to have AND get more fruit into my diet.
So far it's been a smart move, I haven't wanted to binge because its filled me up.

It's a healthy snack and is very tasty!

This is my smoothie today - frozen berries, low fat natural yoghurt and milk.

Control

For me, my eating disorder started by feeling out of control in everything In my life, so I decided to control my food intake. I got very good at not eating and losing weight, it was my comfort blanket, my safety net. I couldn't control the situations outside myself but I could control my diet and weight and that somehow made me feel better.
Since then I am so afraid of losing control, when I went into hospital I couldn't control my food intake so therefore I started exercising to keep in control of my weight, and when that wasn't enough I started purging, I was so rigid with my control, I wouldn't let anything go.
When I got discharged at first I still had control over my weight, and I suppose over my food (as I wouldn't eat anything extra off of my meal plan), then one day I gave up the control, and it turned into a binge, so then to try relinquish my control I started purging more often as the binging episodes became often. Ever since I lost my control that one day (the first day I binged), I haven't seemed to ever get it back, that was 3 years ago and now I'm 15kg heavier.
Everything I feared when I would lose control has happened, all I want is my control back but it's like I used to be in control of food, and now food is in control of me and I don't know how to get it back.

Setback?

Well well well, basically i'm a lying little bitch.
I've lied to everyone about my binging and purging to everyone apart from my ed friends - i lied to my therapist, my family, i didn't admit it to my friends but i shouldn't really because wtf could they do to stop me.

Then i got caught out, i was very mixed with emotions.
In some way i was glad i have been caught out, because now the kitchen door shall be locked and hopefully i shall stop binging and purging as much which should STOP THE FUCKING WEIGHT GAIN!
 But then i also felt humiliated and embarrassed because i thought i could be strong enough to cope by myself, but thinking back i didnt at all, when all the control was given to me i ran straight back to bulimia, but hid it so well from even myself. It made me feel like a failure that i ran back to bulimia, im meant to be anorexic not bulimic, so the fact that i started to eat more and then be sick rather than restrict actually disgusts me and makes me upset.
NOW i have to admit to my therapist that i was lying to her, because otherwise my mum will tell her, i feel bad that i've abused her trust with me but honestly i wanted to cope with this on my own. Maybe i'm not strong enough to cope with this on my own, or maybe i'm too greedy now? Both i think are very possible, and depending on my mood depends on which i think is the right answer.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BADLY! I've gotten into my head my ideal weight to loose by summer - 10kg/22lbs/1 stone 8 lbs. I doubt that will happen though, so im trying to be more realistic and try to lose 3/4kg by summer, can i do it? i hope so, but sincerely doubt it as i'm a fatso greedy lump of utter pure lard.

I'm just sorry that im wishing to be ill, yet i know others who are dying to recover, i'm sorry im such a hypocrite and so ungrateful.