Review

So 2013 was the year of...
-losing my virginity
-finishing high school (what a hellish time high school was)
-winning prom queen and king with my best friend aaron
-starting greenhead college
-starting driving lessons
-passing my BSL level 2 and starting my BSL level 3
-starting over with a new therapist

it doesn't feel like much has happened but overall, all of the above things have changed my life forever. Yes i've had heartbreak, yes ive had dark days, yes ive struggled... but i've survived and for that i should be thankful. i know that ive made plenty of mistakes, but i will learn and grow from them into hopefully becoming a better person. i'm not falling for the bullshit of 'fresh new start' just because its a new year, but i can say that 2014 will have a whole different load of memories and mistakes that i will get upset by, scream cry and hurt myself by, but i will learn from them and come back stronger.

my mental health issues will always still be there in the back of my mind, for as long as i am still breathing, my aim is to just recognize my issues when they arise and to try and challenge them and push those horrible thoughts into the back of my mind. its not going to be easy, but im sure as hell it will be worth it!

i just want to say i love all of my family and friends and i know that i feel alone in my head, but i know deep down in my heart i am not alone, and im blessed to have the support of you all.

happy new year, i wish happiness and health with you all xoxoxo

Please spare me all the bullshit such as..

You're pretty

You're gorgeous

You have a good figure

Because we all know that you're just complimenting me so that you don't feel mean as you know the reality is that i have a horrible figure and I'm just pure ugly (with and without makeup). So please don't lie to me or sugar coat the truth (e.g you're healthy - which basically means I'm fat) because its just making me feel worse.

Yeah shit day.

Life

So these past few months i have been tossing it off with no school (WAHOO). I havent really met any of my goals that i set myself to do this summer.
I told myself i was going to...
-Work extra hours (i did that)
-Read at least 5 books (i did not do that)
-Recover from bulimia (i did not do that)
-Go to the gym every day from monday-friday (i did not do that)
-Lose weight, healthily - but tbh i didnt care i just wanted the weight off of me (i did not do that)
-Learn my driving theory so i could take my test in september (i half did that)
-Go shopping to get a new college wardrobe (i did that)
-Save up to £2000 so that i can afford driving lessons (i did that)

so out of 8 goals, i only succeded with 3.5/8 of them... PREEEEEEEEDY SHIT.

I got my GCSE Results, they're.. okay i guess. Tbh i was expecting the results i got but deep down i really hoped i had got better.
I wanted to get...
-English A/A*
-English Lit A
-Maths A
-Biology A
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e A
-Media Distinction*
-Sport Distinction
-ICT Distinction

But i only got......
-English B
-English Lit B
-Maths B ( ONLY 1 MARK OFF OF AN A... SO ANNOYING EURGH!)
-Biology- A (Yay!)
-Chemistry B
-Physics B
-R.e B
-Media Distinction * (Yay!)
-Sport Merit
-ICT Pass

ANYWAY, i dont know why i'm complaining because i still got enough to get into Greenhead, yes thats right, GREENHEAD!! More like greenhell haha. I like it there like i think they have lots of things in place to support you which is fabulous, i know where all my lessons are etc but im just really extremely nervous and anxious all of the time. I am so scared that i am going to fail all of my courses and if i do that then my career is down the drain. Also i am scared i am not going to make any friends, i simply CANNOT start conversation - its too scary - but if someone else starts a conversation with me im fine, weird i know. I dont want people to think i'm rude because im not starting conversation when i really dont mean to be its just because i have no confidence to start a conversation. EURGH. Also, i was kinda secretely hoping i'd meet a boy and end up with either a good friendship or a relationship but now all i think about is how fat i look and how repulsed people are by me, and how ugly i look and how my hair is horrible, i have an ugly face, i wear horrible clothes, my name is ugly, im boring etc etc.
GOD DAMMIT MIND GIVE ME A REST! haha.
plus im so scared about eating in front of these new people. i mean i can eat in front of my friends from my high school but i just really dont want to eat in front of new people because theyll think im greedy etc. but then i dont want to eat at all in college but my high school friends will question why and tell my mum. i want to lose weight but i have to quit the gym because i have so much going on and like no time to go to the gym, so that makes me feel like a failure and i dont want to put any more weight on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok rant over. to sum up, i havent done fuck all all summer, i now have shit loads to do and its making me anxious. also i cannot make friends and i will be the loner of green head.
goodbye.

I don't even know

I'm not even sure of my emotions anymore, there is so much going on in my head and its like a battle of voices (except the voices all sound like mine)..
-"You're so lucky to have the support of your family", "You're all alone"
-"Your weight doesn't define you, you're healthy", "You are fat, you need to lose 2 stone at least"
-"You're happy now", "I feel like crawling in a hole and never returning"
-"You're recovering And this is what you're going to do to become fully recovered", "You are fat, you was never ill, you need to become ill and become skinny for once"
-"You got a good grade on that test and didn't really work hard, you're quite clever", "you aren't as good as your sister, you're lazy and will fail in life"
-"You are worthy of happiness", "You deserve nothing and shouldn't exist"
-"You will find love one day", "No one will ever want you, you're just a disgusting fat whale who has the personality of a potato, and you are ugly inside and out"
Need I go on...

Reminder

I was just walking my dogs and it had been raining outside, the smell of the rain mixed with the leaves and mud just took me back to when I was in the priory - the smell smelt EXACTLY the same as when I used to go for my morning walks by myself around altrincham.
That smell took me back and instantly made me feel alone again, just like I felt when I used to go for my morning walks whilst In the priory. It's weird how a smell can just take you straight back to a memory In your past.
I haven't thought properly or missed the priory in about 6 weeks. The only thing that I've thought about remotely to do with there is whenever I listen to my favourite band (the used) it makes me think of Chris as he liked them too.

I wish I could go back to three years ago from now...

SMOOTHIES

I decided yesterday that I needed to get a blender so I can make more milk shakes/smoothies and use up my milk and orange juice I have to have AND get more fruit into my diet.
So far it's been a smart move, I haven't wanted to binge because its filled me up.

It's a healthy snack and is very tasty!

This is my smoothie today - frozen berries, low fat natural yoghurt and milk.

Control

For me, my eating disorder started by feeling out of control in everything In my life, so I decided to control my food intake. I got very good at not eating and losing weight, it was my comfort blanket, my safety net. I couldn't control the situations outside myself but I could control my diet and weight and that somehow made me feel better.
Since then I am so afraid of losing control, when I went into hospital I couldn't control my food intake so therefore I started exercising to keep in control of my weight, and when that wasn't enough I started purging, I was so rigid with my control, I wouldn't let anything go.
When I got discharged at first I still had control over my weight, and I suppose over my food (as I wouldn't eat anything extra off of my meal plan), then one day I gave up the control, and it turned into a binge, so then to try relinquish my control I started purging more often as the binging episodes became often. Ever since I lost my control that one day (the first day I binged), I haven't seemed to ever get it back, that was 3 years ago and now I'm 15kg heavier.
Everything I feared when I would lose control has happened, all I want is my control back but it's like I used to be in control of food, and now food is in control of me and I don't know how to get it back.