Ive felt shit for a long time now.
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.

The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.

My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.

Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.

I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.

Life is hard, is it even worth it?

Feel like giving up

I'm stuck back in the binge purge cycle again

My grades are barely improving

My mood is all over the place

Is this really worth it all? 

Should I just give up?

I thought things were meant to get easier and come clearer as you get older... I guess not 😢

"I'm fine"

*note, just because she is laughing and smiling doesn't mean she isn't struggling in her head or wanting to scream out for help*

Ironic

I am constantly feeling alone, even when I'm surrounded by millions of people. 

I am so so scared of being alone in the future.

I hate feeling alone and sometimes the feeling is just there in the background like an annoying buzz, then sometimes it's so consuming and fills my head like a fog horn, everything and anything that I think of just reminds me of how alone I am (supports the fog horn theory).

Sometimes my solution is to distract myself in either my college work, or speaking to my family/friends, or watching a film/reading a book. All of those things seem like logical solutions, yet I rarely use them.

My other solution which I normally resort to, is wanting to be left completely alone, withdraw myself from everyone and everything where possible, and just relive all of the horrible thoughts screaming at me in my head whilst lying in the dark (if I'm not busy at college/work), or try to avoid conversation and eye contact (if I'm busy at college or work or I'm with friends).

Right now I'm laid down in bed, in th dark just wanting/waiting for my thoughts to suffocate me until I fall asleep.

😑

 I don't understand I don't understand  I DONT UNDERSTAND.

Oh life, you mystical creature, you always leave me hanging with "what ifs" and "whys" which actually drive me insane.

What if I fail my as levels and they kick me out of college

What if I fail my level 3 BSL and if cannot work with the deaf

What if I fail my driving test 

What if I'm never going to make new friends 

What if I lose my current friends

What if I never get a boyfriend

Why does everyone eventually leave me or break their promises to me

Why do I have no control over my food 

Why can't I change my boring personality

Why am I so unattractive 

Why am I so selfish

Why am I so dumb

Why am I so fat (well I know that answer - it's because I'm too greedy and too lazy)

Why do I exist

Does my life even have meaning?

All of these thoughts haunt my head everyday and literally drive me mad. Do you reckon I can get rid of or find the answers to these questions this year? I hope so!!!

Review

So 2013 was the year of...
-losing my virginity
-finishing high school (what a hellish time high school was)
-winning prom queen and king with my best friend aaron
-starting greenhead college
-starting driving lessons
-passing my BSL level 2 and starting my BSL level 3
-starting over with a new therapist

it doesn't feel like much has happened but overall, all of the above things have changed my life forever. Yes i've had heartbreak, yes ive had dark days, yes ive struggled... but i've survived and for that i should be thankful. i know that ive made plenty of mistakes, but i will learn and grow from them into hopefully becoming a better person. i'm not falling for the bullshit of 'fresh new start' just because its a new year, but i can say that 2014 will have a whole different load of memories and mistakes that i will get upset by, scream cry and hurt myself by, but i will learn from them and come back stronger.

my mental health issues will always still be there in the back of my mind, for as long as i am still breathing, my aim is to just recognize my issues when they arise and to try and challenge them and push those horrible thoughts into the back of my mind. its not going to be easy, but im sure as hell it will be worth it!

i just want to say i love all of my family and friends and i know that i feel alone in my head, but i know deep down in my heart i am not alone, and im blessed to have the support of you all.

happy new year, i wish happiness and health with you all xoxoxo