Lacking everything

I've spent from september until february working my arse off trying to improve my grades, just so i can pass this year - all my motivation has little flown away. At the flipping time i need motivation the most, its just gone!! Typical.

I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.

My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.

Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.

That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*

Update

I'm currently all over the place - i'm happy and sad and confused and angry and stressed and okay all at the same time, i don't understand this at all!

Still torn between the decision between recovery and relapse, i just feel too fat for recovery and that i need to lose weight because tbh 9 stone for me -  only 5"3 - is really heavy and i just look like a big fat lump. However on the flip side, i hate being out of control when it comes to food, i want to be able to eat anything but in moderation and not have to fight with myself to purge it or over exercise to compensate for the food that I've ate. I have been trying to decide whether to recover or not for almost 4 years now, this decision has not got any easier and i'm scared that ill never manage to make it and just be stuck in this limbo - stuck with all the horrible thoughts but still fat.

College is ridiculously hard. I am going to try my best for my AS level exams, but to be honest if i don't get at least 3 c's or equivalent, i think i'm going to drop out and get a full time job just doing sign language. It would be a good pay and its something i find easy, i just had my heart set on passing college and going to uni to do mental health nursing but i don't think i'm smart enough to get the grades :(

Driving lessons are going good, I PASSED MY THEORY FIRST TIME...Boom boom boom!
I'm just starting to do maneuvers, then polishing up my general skills and then test time! My instructor reckons ill pass first time in about June time which is so exciting yet nerve wrecking!

Finally, I've decided to write a book about my personal experiences with mental illnesses and my opinions on them. I doubt i'll ever get it published or ever let anyone read it, but i'm writing this for me. To try get 'closure' over my past. I don't know how successful this will be but its something i'm doing.

That is whats been going on the past few weeks.
Take care - Hayley xoxox

Ive felt shit for a long time now.
I'm very good at pretending to others that im okay, i even can convince myself that im feeling better.
Then it just hits me, like a ton of bricks just slapping me in my face.
The depression, its always there in the background, waiting to pounce at me when im at my weakest.
I dont look like i have depression or an eating disorder, i can smile and laugh and sometimes eat in front of certain people, i may even go and eat something voluntary. But the guilt when eating is enormous, most of the time now i purge anything i eat...its still not good enough though because im not losing weight, im still this fat lump that isnt good enough.

The depression, it hits me strong, it may hit me for a few days, a few weeks, or just when im alone. Little everyday comments or a situation that is easy to cope with for others sets me off on this downwards spiral.

My anxieties are horrible - i constantly know im being judged for being so fat and ugly and dressing weird and having piercings and being dumb and just generally not fitting in. Im aware that i dont belong anywhere, even with my family/friends, i just KNOW that im alone and shouldnt be there, i dont belong anywhere. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, because i know im not good enough for anyone or anything. I'm always last choice and people only speak to me because they feel sorry for me.

Yesterday was a major bad day, leading to me shaking for an hour because i was so mad and upset, screaming down the phone and just wanting to die. This keeps leading to my change of thoughts of binging/purging to restricting. I dont want to be here anymore, the stress of life is too much and it'd be easier if i wasnt here. I honestly cant see a way out of my thoughts, and i dont want to have to keep battling myself everyday.

I just want to be left alone so i can curl up in a ball in a dark room and just cry and scream, i don't belong anywhere, i'm an outcast, i'm not good enough and i just am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.

Life is hard, is it even worth it?

Feel like giving up

I'm stuck back in the binge purge cycle again

My grades are barely improving

My mood is all over the place

Is this really worth it all? 

Should I just give up?

I thought things were meant to get easier and come clearer as you get older... I guess not 😢

"I'm fine"

*note, just because she is laughing and smiling doesn't mean she isn't struggling in her head or wanting to scream out for help*

Ironic

I am constantly feeling alone, even when I'm surrounded by millions of people. 

I am so so scared of being alone in the future.

I hate feeling alone and sometimes the feeling is just there in the background like an annoying buzz, then sometimes it's so consuming and fills my head like a fog horn, everything and anything that I think of just reminds me of how alone I am (supports the fog horn theory).

Sometimes my solution is to distract myself in either my college work, or speaking to my family/friends, or watching a film/reading a book. All of those things seem like logical solutions, yet I rarely use them.

My other solution which I normally resort to, is wanting to be left completely alone, withdraw myself from everyone and everything where possible, and just relive all of the horrible thoughts screaming at me in my head whilst lying in the dark (if I'm not busy at college/work), or try to avoid conversation and eye contact (if I'm busy at college or work or I'm with friends).

Right now I'm laid down in bed, in th dark just wanting/waiting for my thoughts to suffocate me until I fall asleep.