Confused is an understatement

Well exam season has well and truly begun! My anxieties arent no where near as high as i expected them to be!! But tbh i think i've given up the hope of even achieving good grades this year. I know i'm stupid and i didnt put as much effort as i should of done because im lazy, so im the one going to pay the price :l

I have a backup plan, if my grades are incredibly shocking this year, i shall drop out of greenhead college, go get a job signing and then start an access course so i can still go to uni to do my mental health nursing degree!! But obviously i'm hoping for good enough grades so i can continue at college where all of my friends are.

Time for my mood now... its kind of stuck in unknown land. I'm not happy, i'm not depressed, i'm kind of nothing. Its weird explaining it, i went from being quite depressed to this nothingness again. I just dont really care about anything that much anymore. I do care obviously, but the only conclusion i can come to is that i've given up trying.

ED wise. People tell me i'm poorly, but i don't see it! I still eat, but every time i have ate in these past few weeks, its made me feel physically sick! I eat in front of my friends - still have high anxiety and paranoia and i tend to purge it but i still eat in front of them. And i eat loads of junk food. I'm still purging but i dont think thats really a problem because i dont do it religiously after every time i eat?! I still have shitty self esteem and bad body image but tbh i think that's always going to be the case.

I've been told by my step dad " you care about others too much and ALWAYS put others before yourself, you need to have a 'fuck you' attitude and start putting yourself first sometimes. People use you for your kindness, you need to start to be a little bit selfish and deal with your own mess first before helping others out with their mess". I didnt know how to respond to that at all. I mean i agree with it but then i disagree with it also. I know i never put myself first.. but i dont think i deserve to be put first, plus no one else has ever put me first.. i've always been 2nd best. Yes i do jump to help other people, but thats just because i know what it feels like to feel alone and i dont want ANYONE to feel that way! But i dont think i have a mess to sort out, i know i have these issues but im managing in the real world so i dont feel its important?!

Golly gosh all of these confusions! Does life get less confusing? I hope so

Tired

I can still laugh and smile but i just feel shit.
I'm tired of all of this shit, im tired of being me. I wish i could be someone else because i just seem to be stuck in my ways.
I cant even express my feelings anymore, i just know that i arent happy at all and havent been for so so so long.
My family are saying i'm poorly again but i dont see it?! I'm just this fat lump who eats far too much i'm definitely not poorly.

I really wish right now i could either fast forward my life to when i have a partner and kids, or that my life would of never even begun.

fed up and hold no hope

I'm fed up of college - the constant thoughts and worries about how im failing, how i'm stupid, how everyone laughs at me, how i'm the ugliest girl there and they all judge me, how if i fuck this year up then its going to hold back my future, how i'm letting my teachers down because i'm going to get shit grades.

I'm fed up of never being able to concentrate properly, when i need to concentrate the most to revise - i literally have a million thoughts running through my head and the words just become a big splodge and the words in my head get mixed up and i just cant deal with it. If i increased my medicine i would just be too tired so i couldn't focus then, and they wont let my reduce my medicine because i'll get 'too ill' again. I'm fed up of at night when i want to go to sleep that my brain is thinking about a million things randomly which make me feel shit and it keeps repeating over and over again.

I hate getting flashbacks to things that i associate with my time at the priory, or memories of people. I was walking along today to college and because i was alone and walking fast and it was raining - i felt like i was back at the priory when i used to go for my morning walks by myself. Or when i randomly get a whiff of what i think is 'fortisip' but really its not even there. Or when i smell the strong smell of plastic at work when im getting plastic bags out and it makes me feel physically sick as it reminds me of the smell/taste of plastic i had when i had my tube in. Or when i hear a word i associate with a person and then memories come flooding back over me and i just lie there numb.

I'm fed up of constantly being tired. I don't know if that's because sleeping is my only way of my brain shutting up so my body makes me think im tired so i can stop the thoughts. But regardless - this is exam season... I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND GET THROUGH THESE FUCKING A LEVELS. But then i'm fed up because i wish i was just sleeping all the time because these thoughts wouldn't keep running through my head and i wouldn't have to eat and feel guilty and i wouldn't have people staring at me and my anxiety levels wouldn't rise up.

I'm fed up of things never being good enough- the amount of revision i do is never good enough, my grades aren't good enough, i'm too fat + i'm too ugly + i'm too boring + i'm too annoying + i'm too dumb... they all mean i'm not good enough.

I am tired of all this, all these feelings and thoughts and i just want to sleep forever so i don't have to deal with life.

I don't even know

My sister is back home and it's killing me because I'm not able to be sick anymore coz she's ALWAYS FUCKING BY THE BATHROOM! I know it should be a good thing but that's my only control, I have no control of my food intake because I'm greedy and fat and don't say no, so my only way of making sure I didn't gain weight was by being sick.

I'm not proud of it, I wish more than anything I could eat little In moderation and not have to make myself sick but I'm not that strong ATM to be battling against my thoughts. I'm not struggling, I'm just fed up and scared .. So so scared of gaining more weight.

My focus ATM should be on revising, but I can't focus on it because all my thoughts are about food. I hate that the past 6 years my life has revolved around my food, my weight, how I look.

No I'm not struggling, I'm just fat and greedy and ugly and disgusting and I'm not doing anything about it to change.

I'm meant to be going on holiday with my friend and I need to lose weight in order to feel ok going on that holiday. Oh lord please can someone make my world not revolve around fucking food anymore.

Fed up, fat greedy and ugly... Oh please someone fix me.

Control...

Yet another attempt at trying to relinquish control over my life.

-I have made a timetable of each day, fitting in revision, work, driving lessons, food and of course lie-ins.

I'm back and forth at the moment with regards to if i want to relapse or i want to recover. I've come to the conclusion that I want to be in control of myself, i don't want FOOD to be in control of me, because food makes me feel guilty fat ugly greedy and to be honest i punish myself with food. I'm not saying i don't enjoy food because i do, its just the aftermath of whenever i feel 'too full' or when i have binged.

So my proposed plan?
I hate to so it but ive made a meal plan with six meals included each day (i never thought i'd go back to that again, feels like im back in inpatient apart from i'm 2.5st heavier).

I hate binging and i hate being this fat, but the thing i hate most is not being in control, so i'm trying to take control of my own life as best as i can. Yes i still am fat and ugly and i hate myself, yes i have a love hate relationship with food, but i need to do this so that i can help others who are struggling.

This is going to be really hard, but i guess its worth a shot right?

P.S here's an example of a meal plan that i'd be having in 1 day - it sounds like a lot but to be honest i probably get through more calories whilst binging and purging so its definitely a better idea.

Breakfast- 2 weetabix with s/s milk and 200ml fruit juice
Morning snack- apple
Lunch- Humus sandwich and a fruit yoghurt
Afternoon snack- grapes/cereal bar
Tea- Spag bol
Night snack- Cup of tea with either a small form of chocolate or 2/3 biscuits.

All together that is probably 1600 calories which isnt too much to say that the recomended daily allowance is 1800-2000 calories a day. Lets just hope i can stick to it!!!

Wish me luck.

Worries

i have so many worries and thoughts and im kind of just stuck not knowing how to feel or react. the worries are...

-im going to consistently gain weight and become obese

-im never going to have control over life

-im always going to be let down

-im going to fail all my exams

-im never going to get a boyfriend

-im never going to get a family

-if i do have children, will i pass on my 'illnesses'?

-am i even ill?

-have i ever been ill?

-am i a phony?

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Lacking everything

I've spent from september until february working my arse off trying to improve my grades, just so i can pass this year - all my motivation has little flown away. At the flipping time i need motivation the most, its just gone!! Typical.

I'm lacking motivation in recovery, also in relapse. I'm not fully dedicated to either. I am not dedicated to recovery because every time ive tried to recover, i have gained weight and i am already far too fat (im at just below my highest weight), this then results in me binging and purging. Yet i am not fully dedicated to relapse - i want the scales to go down but i don't want to end back up in hospital, i know i need to get my education and for that i need food so i can have energy to concentrate, this is what is stopping me from over exercising and purging a lot and restricting. Its kind of worse, im just stuck in limbo, confused about what to do.

My mood is fairly constant - its just getting by, i know underlying there that i have a lot of hurt and pain and hatred towards myself, but i can laugh and feel semi 'normal'. Hey, maybe that's a good thing? At least im not constantly in a really really low mood, but in a kind of sick way i wish that i wasn't on medicines as they just give me a false happiness which i hate. Feeling low is horrible but at least my feelings are true? I don't know.

Forever alone - i've given up even trying to find a relationship or make more friendships, i have no social skills and no confidence to make new friends/possible boyfriend. I'm far too fat and ugly and boring and just inadequate to be noticed, so why bother. I've just accepted that im probably going to be alone for a long time.

That's pretty much it... time to go do past papers - WOO! *noting sarcasm*