Monday 4 May 2015

What it feels like to have bulimia/bulimic tendencies.

I have come so far yet not far at all in recovery.
I started off anorexic (restrictive type), and then developed into anorexia (binge purge sub-type) and now then i became bulimic.

My official diagnosis is anorexia with binge purge tendencies, but i have done plenty of research and i know that my thoughts and behaviours are bulimic.

When i was in my very dark dark place when i developed anorexia binge purge sub-type/bulimia, i cannot fathom how exhausting it was! Every waking moment i was thinking about food, what food to eat next, where could i buy it from, how much would it cost, where could i hide it in the house so that my mum didn't find it, which shop did i last go to (because i didn't want to buy all binge food from one shop as i didn't want them to think "what a fat cow!"or to figure out what was happening). My whole world revolved around food, it still does. Every thought that i thought about would link back to food. "What time is it? Only 20 minutes until i can go to the shop and buy binge food","I should go walk the dogs, that way i can buy binge food on my walk with the dogs and can hide the wrappers on the walk". Even my dreams revolved around food. You do not understand how frustrating and draining it is to not be able to concentrate on anything but FOOD, I felt very self evolved, i couldn't really be there for my friends and family because my mind was far too consumed/preoccupied with bulimia. It's a miracle how i managed to get GCSE's and pass my BSL level 1,2,3. I became very deceitful, sneaky, sly, would lie constantly to try and cover my tracks. I was not me, i was my eating disorder but that had the physical appearance of 'Hayley'.

I don't know if this is what addiction feels like, but i feel like i was and still am addicted to food. Whether that was, what food can i get down me that is quick as possible to eat and is easy to hide and dispose of, or it was.. how can i get rid of the food i have just eaten, where can i go to buy more food, i hope they don't make me eat that, how many calories was in that etc. My life was utterly a consumption of food. I went from one extreme to the other... wanting to restrict, wanting to binge. My eating disorder was very irrational; if i had a meal that made me full, it would trigger off a binge as i felt guilty for feeling full. If i was starving hungry, i felt proud and accomplished as it meant i finally had some willpower. It's very hard to describe what it feels like to have these disorders. The best way i can describe it is that its like a demon has possessed my body, and its sole purpose is to make me eat until my insides explode, in the shortest amount of time possible... then to get rid of it all and repeat. When i'm binging, it is not Hayley that is in control, it is my eating disorder. I've had binges that have lasted for several months.

I have only gotten out of the binge purge cycle about 3/4 times in the past 4 years. When i am out of the binge purge cycle, i tend to return to my restrictive behaviours. I look healthy, i try to act like i don't have an eating disorder.I pretend to be 'normal', and i will force myself to eat in front of people. However I am far from normal. Every piece of food i eat, i have to have the battle of whether or not to purge it. My main motivation of not purging is that i don't want to waste my mums money, and i don't want to disappoint her. I do not care about all the problems that purging will be doing to my insides, i don't like being a burden. I want to make everyone happy... that's always been one of my problems. So for example, i try not to purge food that others have bought for me, but if it is my own money i would purge it all without a spec of guilt on my conscience. I know that i am a 'healthy weight', to me i feel obese. The numbers on the scale upset me, the BMI i am upsets me. I have no self esteem. I am very good at pretending that i'm something that i'm not. When i'm suicidal, i bet you wouldn't be able to tell as ill still smile and laugh and joke. Eating disorders are not taken note of until they manifest into a noticeable physical state. Hence why no one believes that i am poorly.

I am trying to piece my life back together, i force myself to do normal things... go drinking, have takeaways, go for meals out. All of those things provoke my anxiety. I'm not sure if i ever will be fully recovered from my eating disorder behaviours. My medication helps me, it makes my suicidal thoughts lessen and i can kind of 'brush off' the negative thoughts so that they don't show on my face that i'm struggling. Every so often they will get too much and i will crumble. I require a lot of reassurance and lots of cuddles. I'm a very complex individual who will drive you absolutely up the wall.

I have to try and remind myself that i am not my eating disorders, i have eating disorders but i am me... i am Hayley. I'm trying to make it so that Hayley is in control and not my eating disorders. I am like a mosaic, i am shattered but i'm trying to make beauty in all those shattered pieces, every now and again i shatter even more... its an endless cycle that i'm learning to accept. Even if i don't find the beauty in the pieces of me, i know deep down that someone else appreciates me, i just have to remind myself of that sometimes.


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