Crazy

This is one of the first times in my life that i am reaching out for help.

I know i'm bad again (my depression, not really my eating disorder). I haven't had these "semi-suicidal" thoughts - yeah that's what i call them for some reason- in a long time.
I'll expand on what i mean by "semi-suicidal" thoughts...
-I do not want to be alive - at all!
-I wish that i was dead
-I have thoughts such as "what if i just stepped out into a busy street, then it would be all over with","what if i bought 100 pills and swallowed them all", "what if i just sped up really quick and then crashed into a wall".
I'm not necessarily saying i'm going to kill myself, because i'm not going to. I'm just looking for an escape out of my head, and just having these thoughts is like a back up of well that i could put an end to it all.

I am so grateful for my friends and family, my friends put up with me sobbing on them for what seemed like an eternity, my family have been really supportive as they can tell that i'm really down again. They're the only reason why i am sticking around right now. Despite my love for them, it doesn't make me feel less like i want to die, i still do want to die, but my love for them is what is stopping me acting upon these feelings.

After a long discussion with my auntie (who has mental health issues and is also a mental health nurse), she has convinced me to go speak to my GP and express how i feel. Since august 2014 i have had no support... no therapy, no medication reviews, no just general meetings with any specialist apart from my GP (who i only saw once). I've basically been battling it out on my own. I don't know what to expect from my GP appointment, i don't really know what to say to him, apart from "please help me i don't know what to do". I'm scared if i tell him about my "semi-suicidal" thoughts that he will refer me straight away for therapy again or send me away. I doubt they would send me inpatient but it is still a worry in my mind. I don't want my meds upping but tbh i think that is my only option right now, either that or to go onto new meds or stronger meds, I don't want councilling, i really dont. I don't know what i want i just don't know how to function at the moment.

I've been let down so many times, people have proven to me why i can't trust people and its shit. It makes me doubt making new relationships with people and makes me not want to talk to anyone about all my problems. Yes i have people that i trust, but only with certain things, i do not trust anyone 100%... not even my own mother. That sounds horrible but how can i trust someone 100% when i can't even trust myself fully.

I want my old body back. I want to be ideally 10kg lighter again, i want to have a thigh gap, i want small arms, no chubby cheeks, a flat tummy, be able to see my ribs and hip bones and collar bones. I know its a horrible thing to wish for but i do want that again. It kills me being this heavy, but i know it'd kill my family seeing me relapse into anorexia again. My bulimia is too strong at the moment for that to happen, i'm constantly just eating something and then purging, eating then purging. Its not necessarily a binge, it may just be like i eat 3 biscuits then purge, eat a yoghurt then purge etc. But it makes me feel out of control and like i can't stop eating. I'm tempted to join a gym and my mum said she'd be okay with that, but i think that would result in me relapsing into anorexia again.

Life is so complicated at the moment and i don't know what to do.

Life is shit

Im in a pit of depression again.
I'm fat, i've gained all the weight i lost again. I seem to constantly eat, and its not good food i'm eating, its complete shit that i'm eating. I feel out of control in my food sense, and my whole life.

I'm pretty certain i'm doing shit in college, i just don't have the motivation to start doing my work so i leave it last minute and then panic. I'm doing shit at signing, i just have lost my skill and i'm panicking that i'm losing my ability to sign and that i'm going to waste all this money because i'm going to fail my level 6 course. I'm a dissapointment to every one and i'm going to let everyone down.

My mind is a total fucking dark place to be. Being ignored for 2 weeks without any reasoning, just randomly stopped talking to me has totally fucked with my head. Have i done anything wrong? Have you lost interest? Why are you not speaking with me? Are you seeing someone else? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. I hate being ignored, my brain cannot function with it. Being ignored makes you realize how much a person means to you. I hope to god he has a legitimate reason for why he's ignoring me because i cannot think of anything going wrong the last time i saw him.

I hate myself, i don't want to leave my bedroom, i just want to lay in the darkness and let it smother me. I hate going to college, i don't want to go out with my friends even though i love them to pieces, i just really hate facing the rest of the world. I have to put a brave face on for everyone else so that i seem happy. Yes i do laugh and smile sometimes but inside i feel like utter shit. I need the biggest hug going but i need to be left COMPLETELY alone.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Help.

IDK

I've had a really rough few weeks. I had a relapse into anorexia which lasted almost a month (not a lot I know) but I ended up losing 3kg roughly which I was happy about. But then someone made me have something chocolaty and now its started the b/p cycle again. I sound such a horrible person because both illnesses are horrific, but I wish I was suffering with anorexic tendencies rather than bulimic tendencies.
My dad was very poorly and got badly burnt on his face from the bonfire - this didn't help my fear of fire and I was a complete wreck. Luckily he's on the mend and feeling much much better, which is brilliant coz idk what i'd do without my dad.
I've been missing fucking dickhead again like a lot. It frustrates me that I miss him when he was a complete tool, im still welling things over in my head whether to try stay in contact with him or just forever leave him out of my life. My family despise him and tbh I don't blame them, they're the ones that had to pick up the pieces when I fell apart so many times because of him.
I just really want to be able to curl up in a ball with a quilt and a hot chocolate/cup of tea and just let the feelings suffocate me and consume me, its a horrible feeling but it also makes me feel safe aswell, but if I ever do this my mum and I end up in a big argument. She doesn't really realize how hard it is to actually face each day, the anxiety of meeting/seeing other people, the paranoia, actually having to face food and trying to convince yourself to not purge/binge, to have to actually deal with things is really hard sometimes.
On a brighter note, I have a new job which i'm really enjoying! All the people  I work with are lovely and there are some good looking lads who work there aswell which is nice for the eyes ;) On a serious note I do really enjoy it because everyone is older than me and I get along with people who are older much better.

To sum up, i'm still stuck with ED tendencies but trying to lose weight, my dad was really poorly but is so much better now, i'm a dickhead who cares too much about others, I need to feel safe again, I have a new job which I so far really enjoy and i'm still fat and ugly.

Have a good weekend xxx

Fat

Please don't tell me I'm not fat because I am. I'm the heightest weight I've EVER been, I'm nearly in the fucking overweight BMI. I'm not curvy and I don't have a nice figure... I'm FAT... F A T. My legs are huge and my bum is saggy, my tummy sticks out so much it looks like I'm newly pregnant, my arms just wobble all the time and I have about 10 chins. Please don't try reassure me that I'm not fat because even if In your eyes I'm not fat, in my eyes I am and I can only see myself through my eyes so yes I Am fat.

I want Taylor swifts body. I just want to lose this 10kg that I've gained over the years. I wish I could be a bmi of 18 again... Yes it's not underweight but it's the bottom end of healthy and I know I'd be much happier at that weight.

The bloody problem is that I'm stuck in a horrible binge purge cycle which I have been stuck in for on and off 3 years! I'm too embaressed to go to the gym and exercise coz I don't want everyone laughing at my fat jiggling everywhere. I am stuck in the depressed cycle of eat, college,eat,sleep,eat, sleep and then restart. I don't know how I'm going to lose this weight without causing worry because to get to the weight I want to be, it will be a big difference in my looks.

EURGH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET SO FAT AND GROSS. I can cope with being ugly but being both fat AND ugly is just too much.

Lonely

I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Even if it's just a quick "hello how was your day?" And that's that. It's just nice to have someone actually want to speak to you and them texting you just proves that. I don't even necessarily mean having someone to speak to everyday in a romantic way (although that would be nice haha), but even just having a friend who you regularly chat to.

I'm vey lonely. Especially as I'm not at greenhead college anymore, I don't get to see my close friends 5 days a week like I used to. Now that I'm at Kirklees college I only have half days so the rest of my day I literally am at home not speaking to anyone just watching either shit tv or friends. Because I'm so bored as well I don't think that's helping my loneliness.

Being lonely isn't nice, and I keep contemplating getting in touch with said person which I know wouldn't be a good idea at all, it's just tempting to run back to your past, y know?  It's comfortable and familiar, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't go through all that pain again just because Im lonely and still care about him... I have to start putting my best interests at heart.

So if anyone knows anyone who wants to chat to me everyday then give them my details coz I'm bored most of the time and lonely and my dogs don't really chat very much 😂😂😂

Life

I don't really remember the last time i posted on here so im back!

Life's very confusing. I was for weeks in a bad BAD spell of bulimia but i think im getting out of that cycle slowly, i mean i havent purged a lot these past few days which is really good- but i weighed myself and i wanted to cry. I'm so afraid of asking for help because i know they'd laugh at me and be like you're too fat to have an eating disorder. I dont know if i want help or not, i just want to be skinny again.

I found out from my mum that i was nearly put back into inpatient unit 4 times after i was discharged from the priory.. WHY DIDN'T I FUCKING GO BACK IN AND GET THIS SHIT SORTED! If i could turn back time then i would of gone back inpatient because it might of sorted me out and not left me in limbo land like i am now. *sigh*

 this literally describes how i am feeling.

In other news, the person who caused a lot of upset in my life came back in contact with me and apologized. I think his apologies were actually sincere but i didn't accept him back into my life because i always end up so upset when things didn't work out between us and i cant put myself through it again. Plus he did get like 3 chances from me and fucked them all up and i can't keep offering him chances. It just sucks because i wish things had never gone wrong the first time. I still really care about him but i have to move on with my own life.

I just never have any luck with boys hahahaha. Ill just be forever forcing my dogs to cuddle me because i get no one else to cuddle. I wish i did have someone because it'd be nice to just know you have someone there who cares about you and likes you and wants to be a part of your life for the good and bad! But i don't expect that to happen to me any time soon.

I'm just going to go to sleep as i normally do because that's the only solution to my problems!

Rant

I've been stuck in this cycle for 3 and a half years now. I have times where i think im getting better but then i have a massive relapse.

I haven't been diagnosed, but i have all of the symptoms of a bulimic and i am 99.9% certain that i am bulimic. I go through phases of binge and purge and sometimes its ridiculously bad, and other times it isnt that bad. I'm truly ashamed of my illness... i hide any evidence that im stuck in this horrible cycle and yet i have been caught out several times.

Its embarrassing to think of how much i eat in a binge... how fast i eat it, what it actually is that im eating. I'm aware that i'm bingeing but i just zone out. Its like a possessed person who has been starved for weeks enters my body and rushed to grab ANYTHING to eat that's in sight. And then i realise how bad I've got and i run to the bathroom and puke it up. I've never used laxatives, its always just been purging.

Its so bad that i actually self taught myself how to purge without any help - and by help i mean i don't have to shove fingers/toothbrush down my throat or drink salty water or whatever. I'm so used to being sick now that it doesn't even feel horrible to me anymore. I now enjoy being sick because its like a relief once its out of my system. I know being sick doesn't work though because in the past three years I've gained over 30lbs, and its truly such a horrible feeling and sight.

I'm more ashamed of the fact that in a binge i eat so much.. rather than the fact that im sick. Im ashamed that i've probably wasted hundreds of pounds on binge food/my familys food by just eating it in a big binge and not enjoying it and then purging it.

I do sometimes cut back and start the restricting cycle again, and i think that if i did live on my own i would just restrict binge purge restrict binge purge restrict binge purge. But restricting at home is basically impossible seen as though my family force me to eat 3 meals a day and supervise me for them.

I am very open about my eating disorder to people, well about my anorexia.. but i'm so ashamed of admitting my bulimia. It's sick that i'd rather have anorexia than bulimia when really i should wish to not have either because they are both horrible illnesses.

I know that i'm poorly with bulimia and im stuck... im so so so stuck and i dont know how to stop it and i know that if i cant get help from it that it will kill me later on in life. But actually going and asking for help and admitting to a professional how severe it gets, its ridiculously hard for me to do and im so scared of getting turned down because i don't 'look ill' because im fat.

I so desperately want to have a normal life and i'm scared that if i ask for help and admit how severe i get, that if i did end up in inpatient that it would fuck my whole life up.

Theres never a right time to go into hospital, but right now is really not the right time and i dont want to go back, i want to beat this on my own but its so damn hard you dont understand.

No one knows the extent of my illness because i keep 90% of it a secret, i would keep it all a secret but i get caught 10% of the time.

Eating disorders are not glamorous.. and i wish that i could go back to when i was 12 and stop myself from going down this path. I'm going to be stuck with this for life and its really really hard to fight it.